Old likes with new partners

[Estherpologist]

Having recently got out of a spirit crushingly sexless marriage and starting to be with a new partner who carries similar scars, but is equally motivated to make up for lost years, is abso**inglutely great. Discovering what we both like is so much fun but ...

I find it really difficult to say "I like doing xxx and I want to do xxx with you" without it ending up as "I used to like doing xxx with a previous partner." I mean how would I know I like "xxx" if I hadn't done it with a previous partner? And we're both in our 50s so it's not our first ride on the rodeo for either of us.

It's never the way I want the conversation to turn and it's a bit of a passion killer.
So any thoughts on how to be middle aged and say "I want to do xxx" without the ghosts of previous partners?

Your both in your 50s so it would be a bit daft to think you found out what you like on your own.

Previous partners don't really come into it as theyre a given but theres no reason to link that with knowing what you like.**

Oh... and have a couple of unexpected stars for undefined reasons 🤔

I just pretend I've not done it before and am curious to try. Avoids any awkward talk of exes, or outing myself as a total degenerate if he's icked-out by what I have in mind. I would never reveal what I've done with other men, in the past. It's good to keep some mystique.

You could say you've seen certain things in porn that you'd like to try

Just say you have seen it in porn, or read a magazine article about it, a story popped up on Facebook. Or the subject was being discussed amongst friends over coffee/wine etc. Can then gauge partners reaction as to whether to push it more.

Unless its something so absolutely out there that no one in their right mind would discuss in open conversation 😂

Don't say you want to copy the porn you've been watching, you'll sound like a right saddo! 😂

Another idea... Say you had a dream about the two of you together, doing whatever pervy thing you have in mind. See how he reacts.

Gosh, had never thought of that! (In similar situation.) I know I'd said "I love X or Y" to him before we actually met, but I think it's reasonable in 30+ years to have tried a few things. He's recently told me something his ex-wife wouldn't do which made me a bit sad. And also recently when discussing something else used the phrase "the woman in question" which just really amused me!

I think as long as you don't say you used to love it when your ex did such and such, you're ok? Maybe phrase it as, I was thinking about you doing this to me? Or, I was imagining doing that to you? Keep it focused? 😀

(^ sad for him. Not sad that he'd mentioned it.)

You could also perhaps say, I have always wanted to try X but never really got a chance?

I don't think lying, whether directly or indirectly, is a good thing though.

I really don't see the problem, why can't you just say I like/don't like X.

There is no reason to say or think of it it terms of omg they did that with their ex!

Your in your 50s, you know what you like, good for you and own it.

You could say you read about X or Y on Mumsnet 😃

Blame Munsnet or say it was an ex from student days.
The phrase "he wanted me to....." works

@Estherpologist Hit the big red F* it button!!

Seriously tho, be honest, we have or are in the same boat and when my DW says she likes something the last thing think of is who has she done this with, I just take it at face value cos she wants to do it...what's not to like.

Boundaries in terms of things you like are only there till you are familiar and comfortable with them after all.

Good luck, have a glass of whatever floats you boats and pull your new sexy brave pants on, you will be surprised how it goes...I reckon anyway.

Report back too!!

I would Just keep it simple.

I like doing xxx
i would like to try xxx
i don’t really like xxx

if are both in your 50s, then you probably have 50 to 60 years or sexual experience between you, I’m sure probably seen / done/ tried most things that you wanted to ?