He doesn’t like sex

[Madamshame]

LTR and DP has admitted he doesn’t like sex very much and has a low sex drive.
I knew early on he wasn’t the type of man to take the lead and rip my clothes off every day, but I learned to accept not all men are like that and enjoyed the sex for what it was as I love him and we had great chemistry outside of the bedroom.
He has now told me he only has sex with me for my benefit as I have a high sex drive. This has really upset me as I thought it was a mutual need.
I always have to initiate but I don’t pester, we have sex maybe once a week at most so I reach for the sex toys in between which he knows about and dislikes.
He has never initiated and 9/10 he needs to take viagra. We are only 28 and 26.
He did make the effort to see his gp and they didn’t have any concerns about his physical health, they suggested it may be a confidence thing or performance anxiety. He saw a counsellor for his mental health who were happy and dismissed him.
I have never pushed it and never raise the subject, if he turns me down I accept it and pretend I’m fine. It makes me feel like a desperate sex pest, which I’m far from, I just long for regular sex that he also wants.
We have a 2 year old and he works long hours so he is very tired which I respect, but when we have the opportunity he either isn’t in the mood or can’t get an erection. I know it’s a genuinely low sex drive and not caused by an affair or porn, but I’m looking for advice from women who have been in this position how you improved your sex life. I don’t want to leave him but I do want him to desire me and make more effort, I’m not sure if this will ever be possible.

I’m not sure there is a solution i’m sorry to say, you are incompatible and it will lead to resentment. Doesn’t sound like it’s a confidence issue i suspect he’s asexual and that can’t be fixed. Take care.

Oh op this sounds completely unworkable. This should be the easy time at your ages. Sorry to say he either doesn't find you physically attractive, maybe has hidden kinks he doesn't want to share or perhaps he isn't 100% sure of his sexuality. Who knows, but the result is you don't feel physically close and that is obviously a really important part of a good relationship.

Sounds like you've both done all you can regarding seeing a Dr, talking about it etc.

You just have to decide if you want to continue in a relationship where you feel rejected and like he's dtd out of duty only. Must be soul destroying.

Even though you say you dont want to leave, the hurt and resentment will fester. I would gently suggest life is too short and find someone who finds you irresistible.

I don’t want to leave him but I do want him to desire me and make more effort, I’m not sure if this will ever be possible.

if he not interested in sex, then he is not interested sex ( which is completely fine), but I don’t think he will ever change, I think what you are asking for is never going to happen, sorry.

I'd leave, even with a child involved. You're still young, you can move on and make a more fulfilling life for yourself.

I’m sorry OP that must really hurt to hear that and going forward it’s going to be really tough having sex with someone who you know is only going through the motions for your benefit. It’s not something I’d be comfortable with. If you were content with minimal or no sex maybe be different but you’re so young to sign up for a life of no sex and no passion. I recently started dating someone after 10yrs single and then 10yrs or so in a relationship with father of DC. I’m having amazing sex for the first time ever really and I can’t believe how long I lived with mediocre or no sex. It really makes a massive difference to your life / confidence etc having a fulfilled sexual need. No it’s not everything but it’s fun and something you should be enjoying when you’re younger. I guess it’s your choice now what you do

He doesn't want sex. He's not going to change and become someone else. You're far too young to settle for a life with no sex.

That sounds really difficult and you have my sympathies OP. It sounds like it is definitely a him problem, not a you problem.

Why did he feel the need to tell you he only has sex with you for your benefit? It’s a pretty harsh thing to say and he must be aware that it would hurt you. Does he never orgasm when you have sex?

Why does he object to you using toys? Surely if he was just asexual he wouldn’t mind? It sounds like he has underlying issues that he hasn’t addressed.

Did he really engage with the counsellor that he saw before? If he didn’t open up to them properly they may well have thought that he was fine.

Could you consider seeing a sex and relationship counsellor together, and he possibly have some sessions with them on his own if needed? See if this is something that could be resolved with a little help from a professional?

This is already soul destroying for you. You know that already and the hurt is there that he doesn't want sex.
I had an ex who wasn't bothered and I felt the sadness and worry I wasn't attractive etc and missed intimacy. Was instrumental in killing the relationship as I didn't want a live in friend, I wanted a lover.

Took a while to get over it, but when I did the feeling of having the intimacy back was lovely. Knowing that the man sleeping beside me wanted sex whenever he could, found me attractive and wanted me was so empowering, and yes, I always appreciated since how much he always wanted to cum in me, and the feeling from that.

If you don't have kids I might cut losses. I know womens libido can change but not sure about men. Does he prefer sex in the morning?

My fluctuated more than changed, divorce, redundancy, death of a parent, those kinds of things hit my hard and took a toll on libido.