Can you ever ‘get over’ hugely mismatched sex drives?

[Kitanai]

Wasn’t sure whether to put this in relationships or here, think it comes more under this one!

I’ve always had a higher sex drive than DH. It wasn’t so noticeable during the first few years but it really started to take a nose dive after dc.

We’ve talked a lot about it, but it’s not really improved. We haven’t had sex for nearly a year now. This is mainly because I’ve stopped instigating. I hated feeling like I was forcing him and if I’m honest just wanted him to take the lead for once and throw me on a bed! Never happens though.

I’m honestly finding it really difficult to get over the crushing loneliness I feel. And feel also that I’m in the wrong for being upset over it, as DH is a wonderful father and very happy as things are.

I feel torn, I can’t imagine destroying our family over something like this. Equally, I feel really sad to think that I’m never going to feel ‘wanted’ again.

Has anyone ever got through some thing like this in their marriage?

You're not wrong to feel this way. He has an equal responsibility to the relationship and if he knows you feel this way he should be shouldering more.

Simply put I'd say the lack of sex doesn't bother him, your frustration and sadness doesn't bother him.

This is more than mismatched sex drives.

@Jackofallsorts that is part of what is so confusing.

I have brought it up a few times. He’s always happy to talk about it and says he understands how I feel. A few weeks ago he said he would go for a blood test because he thought his testosterone might be low, but then he never went.

I’ve keep wondering whether it’s something I have done wrong. As far as I can tell I haven’t changed in appearance. I know it could be off putting if I was constantly harassing him for sex so have backed off, never instigate and try not to raise the subject unless he does first.

He did say last week I should stop watching romance dramas because real people don’t push others on to the bed or up against a wall. (I did point out that he used to!)

It wouldn't work for me. I couldn't stay in love with someone who didn't want to have sex with me

@MaireadMcSweeney I do still love DH, which makes it difficult for me to even think of leaving.

It does feel like he’s settled into a ‘best friends’ mindset in regards to me.

It could be a symptom of something else

Have you talked about couples counselling? It might help to find out whats behind it and it's clearly putting a strain on your relationship.

No, it would have been a deal breaker from the beginning for me.

@Kitanai
I know exactly that you're talking about. You question what you've done, why things are the way they are, you try and reason with them, you explain your position, you don't want to pressure or sound unreasonable. And nothing changes.

No doubt you love your partner. You want him to show some enthusiasm and desire for you. It eats and eats away at you.

I know. I'm sorry but it won't change. Ever.

That post hit so hard (in a good way!). It sounds like you’ve gone through something similar .

@Choconut it wasn’t really noticeable until after dc. Mine was always a little higher but it wasn’t an issue until then.

@Kitanai
Yep. At some stage you realise it's not going to change. You resign yourself to the reality. You realise it's not you.

It's at that stage, you begin to lose interest and stop caring. You mentally move on.

At that point, the other person does one of 2 things.

1. they continue on
2. they panic. They realise there is an existential threat to their comfortable life.

@Jackofallsorts I’m not quite at that stage yet, but could definitely see that happening if it carries on sadly.

I was in a similar situation.

Mismatched lobidos led to irregular sex turned into just a few times a year, which turned into a lack of all physical intimacy (no kisses, cuddles or holding hands). Then the emotional intimacy disappeared, as did the trust and respect. I spent 5yrs in the spare bedroom. Multiple relationship counsellors and sex therapists couldn't fix it. We're now a year into a painful divorce, my future is terrifyingly uncertain, my love turned to hate, I stopped liking myself, and it's easy to reason that it has all had a negative impact on my DD.

That's my story, but its not unique. Yours might be different.
No one can tell you if yours will get better, but if you're asking the question now, you need to think about what happens if it doesn't.

Good luck. ❤️

It’s incredibly difficult if the low libido partner won’t contribute to efforts to improve things. I had this with a partner of 3 years. Started out good but tailed off to nothing after a year but by that point I was committed. He said I just needed to be patient and once he was less stressed / lost weight etc.. it would improve but it didn’t. The rare sex we did have was all about him and getting on with it whilst he was hard. The casual intimacy of a kiss or holding hands went too. Eventually there was nothing to lubricate us past tricky parts and I finally ended it. At this point he started sending raunchy texts which totally devastated me. Only once we’d split did he have any interest in fixing anything.

Ive moved on now and a good sex life was high on my list for a new relationship. Luckily I have that but my body image and sexual confidence took a huge knock from 2 years of rejection and I’m still not back to my usual self.

I was previously in a relationship where I wanted sex less than dh, and he also stopped instigating to reduce the pressure on me. I think this was a kind and loving thing to do, although it didn't solve the issue. In your case it may be one of the reasons he is so comfortable and that's difficult.

It did at least mean I felt completely able to remain physically intimate - we always shared a bed, hugged and kissed lots. I don't know if that made it easier or more difficult for him but I feel that it helped us get over the driest patch. By the time dh died we were at about once a fortnight, sometimes twice in quick succession with a fortnight's break, which I'm not going to claim was great but wasn't disastrous either. If you can stay physical I think it really helps.

Something that made a huge barrier in my head for years was a comment he made about being too loose/he couldn't feel much. I've never forgotten that, and for a very long time my sexual confidence was below floor level as a result. He apologised a couple of years afterwards but it didn't make much difference in how I felt. I think guys can feel the same about a single episode of a shy erection, or indeed some sort of verbal comment. My dh was absolutely paranoid about the size of his penis, he never felt big enough and it was always an issue I had to avoid. Is there anything lodged in his head he's not able to stop hearing?

[Climbs into my titanium suit of armour and prepares for the onslaught!!]

Are mismatched sex drives repairable...? Not in my opinion, no but it doesn't have to be the disaster most people think it is.

30yrs we've been together. Life is good. Hugely mismatched sex-drives though... to the point that things went off the boil in the first year. It was discussed and she said she just didn't enjoy sex.... it didn't float her boat.

So then... what to do...? The relationship works... we're life partners... married... good lifestyle... we live well... we laugh lots... good friends... good social life. So everything works but one bit.

How about this for an analogy? If you had a good car that worked well... did its job well and everything worked apart from the radio which just would not be repaired despite best endeavour attempts what would you do? Would you really throw the car away for the sake of the radio... or would you get your music fix elsewhere?

Down the years then I've made the acquaintance of a small number of ladies who have been in similar circumstances and we've enjoyed some music together - often for years at a time until either one or both of us moved on - either to another stage of life or moved geographically. We've been very discreet... set rules and had a really good understanding about what we were doing. Nobody got hurt. Have our DPs known... I don't think so. Is it deceitful... well yes of course but the choice is to keep the good lifestyle and the otherwise happy relationship going or bin it and wreck the home.

It's not ideal of course - life rarely is, but it's been a situation that has worked well without causing any damage.

How did you manage to make it all work? Do you think your wife has ever had any suspicions?

1: Manage? Carefully, with patience and planning. It helps we don't live in each others pockets (I'm avoiding the phrase 'connected at the hip' for obvious reasons !!) and so rare nights out to socialise in other parts of the country a couple of times a year have always been the norm.... or a local dalliance can be more spontaneous if you can usually bail out for a couple of hours.

2: No I genuinely don't think so. I've no wish or reckless intent to cause hurt... that therefore intensifies the need for careful planning and absolute discretion. If it ever comes up between us then there'll have to be a long conversation about where we are. I think the car analogy is a good one and it's on the list of bullet points should the conversation ever happen.

At the risk of sounding hugely dramatic…I would find it soul destroying to have a relationship without passion and sex. You’re in such a difficult situation @Kitanai
In your shoes I think I would be asking for relationship counselling and a GP visit to rule out any physical concerns.

@Kitanai I agree with @Mermaidparades go to the GP to rule out physical stuff.

Please tread carefully with couples counselling and be sure you find one that doesn't focus on who or what's wrong (pathology) as counsellors from this POV seem to want to take you backwards to the early days of your relationship as opposed to walking forward and encouraging you both to become students of your relationship.

I've mentioned a book by David Schnarch called Passionate Marriage on a few threads before as my DW and I have found it very helpful.

The abridged Audiobook is on Audible and is a great place to start but the physical/kindle full version is amazing.

I'm still only half way through as when I hit bits that are useful I work on them before moving forward with the next section.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.

@Rieslinger thank you for clarifying the differences within couples counselling, I didn’t realise!

@Mermaidparades You are welcome!

The aspect of the book about Pathology blew my mind tbh, I think when you hit the mismatched libido bit in your relationship there are so many aspects that seem to just take you away from your partner and you.

@Kitanai It can be hard for men to transition from partner to father/partner. I think some struggle with one or the other or both.