Sex with my stbx was awful. We are still
legally married (but separated for 2 years now) while things are sorted (finance)and it’s our 25th wedding anniversary later this month. Hopefully, things will be sorted soon and the divorce finalised. He is gutted. I’m sad about it (and feel terrible for our two teenagers) but also sad at what I have missed out on and sacrificed. I was being nice to him by staying but, under the surface, destroying myself and depriving myself of true happiness and PASSION!
Sex was terrible. He was terrible (at sex). I knew I craved more and he wasn’t able to provide. He lacked passion - there was no foreplay and teasing (which I love and give - as I’ve since discovered). He wouldn’t kiss because it ‘affected his asthma’ - and I adore a good snog! There was no general affection - ever. No hugs, nothing. Trying for a baby became a military operation and like a chore rather than something pleasurable. In fact, baby two was conceived artificially (IUI) because we couldn’t get pregnant a second time even though all tests were ok and they said nothing was wrong with either of us (I now think there is some link with my body rejecting it all tbh). IUI was successful first time.
As time went on I realised I wasn’t attracted to him but I stayed because he was a ‘nice man’ and we got on ok. Both working full time and we had a good life with holidays etc. But something was missing and it niggled away at me for years. We were nothing more than friends. I was at university when I met him. I was 19. He was 30!! I had only ever had a quickie in a car (just a few months before I’d met stbx) with someone else (another older man) which was a terrible mistake as it turned out he had a heavily pregnant girlfriend at home!!! I was naive. But, I was 19 years old when I met my stbx and it’s really young! My eldest child is 19 and so inexperienced in life!! I can see that now. I am almost 51 now. My stbx had only ever had one girlfriend who ‘came out’ and ran off with a woman! I’m not surprised ha ha!
Marriage became sexless. I can tell you the last time I had sex with him. It was awful and boring. I didn’t get turned on at all. I never did really. My daughter was 9 months old at the time - she is now approaching 15!! There wasn’t just the lack of sex, which I’m now very aware of. There was no intimacy, no affection (from either side) and no real connection. No chemistry.
And boy, after ending up menopausal and hormonally charged, I unintentionally ended up going off the track and got involved with someone else. All I will say is - mind blowing!! Not just sex, affection etc. but also the connection on a personal level. Sadly for me, this man is married. He won’t leave her. Of course he won’t . We are still in touch but I know it has destroyed me as I ended my marriage. I couldn’t go back to it. It was a massive wake up call for me. I ended my marriage immediately. I’m now trying to make a future for myself. I’m the bad person of course (although no-one in my real life knows about the OM).
My biggest regret is that I stayed in a marriage that was sexless for many years. We just didn’t connect and he was a bit too old for me and I felt it further down the line. No affection nor intimacy in a relationship is a killer and if a man doesn’t turn you on like a tap then there is something seriously wrong. It can get better but, in my case, it didn’t. I’d advise any woman to end the relationship if you feel like you aren’t getting anything out of it - even if they are a nice man! Don’t be a fool like I was. I was young and naive and became trapped after having his children (because I wanted to be a mum) and my job and lack of family support meant I couldn’t leave. Self sacrifice at its best!!
Nothing changed over the years. It got worse.
I actually think I need counselling to sort myself out. I have been deprived of a healthy and happy relationship (and sex life) and it’s a sad revelation.