Diabetes and ED?

[MilliwaysUniverse]

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly 3 months and we are very fond of each other, to the point where he has said he would live with me in a heartbeat (we have talked about our views on marriage and while he is prepared to remarry I am not). We are both widows and our late spouses died a few years ago - 6 years for him, 4 years for me. He’s 50.

Although I have stayed at his place several times now, we have still not managed to have penetrative sex because he doesn’t get hard enough. He does get an erection but it doesn’t last long enough to do PIV. He’s not a selfish lover and always makes sure I am satisfied - in fact despite his difficulties he’s actually quite highly sexed and we have attempted sex many times.

He thinks that it’s either his diabetes or medication that is causing issues - he’s on metformin for diabetes, and mirtazapine for depression - is this possibly the reason? He assured me it isn’t me that is the problem, he really fancies me and everything he does seems to back that up. But secretly I wonder if it is me that causes the problem, because my ex only had sex with me a handful of times over 9 months and admitted he didn’t find me physically attractive apart from my face, but had fallen for my personality. The chap I dated briefly before my ex couldn’t get it up either. My late DH also had ED in the last years of his life. I seem to be the common denominator (albeit my ex never had a problem with erections, just frequency). Apart from DH, all the men are the same age, I’m 44 and fat.

How can it be though that my BF is asking me to commit to him for life, if it is that he doesn’t find me attractive? So maybe it is the meds. I’m so uncertain. While I could live comfortably without sex and did for 5 years, someone with a high sex drive like my BF surely won’t be happy not having sex even if it’s he who has the physical problem? Ugh I wish I wasn’t back dating again. I really want it to work out this time. My ex is now my closest friend and he said if my BF says it’s the meds then it will be because men would be honest about that sort of thing, but my ex and I have always been ridiculously open about everything with each other so while I know he would be honest, perhaps he’s thinking everyone is like him? Also my BF is autistic so my ex has said that will make his openness even more reliable - is this likely?

ED is a known complication of diabetes. If he wants to get into bed with you and is an enthusiastic sexual partner then I’d believe him that this is medical and not you. Has he spoken to a gp about potentially getting some help?

My ex had ED and blamed it on health issues but he also had zero interest in anything sexual with me. After we split he confirmed what I suspected - he just didn’t want sec with me. In your case he DOES want sex, just can’t get the old chap to work.

Love your user name, big Douglas Adams fan here.

ED is a really really common issue with Diabetics, a trip to the GP is the 1st thing really, if he only gets partially erect then all the responses in the brain & nerves signals etc are probably working ( is his diabetes under control? )

www.diabetes.co.uk/diabetes-erectile-dysfunction.html

I don’t think mirtazapine has the same side affects as many AD meds,

It sounds to me like it’s the diabetes. He needs to go and speak to the GP. He can’t just carry on and assume you’re having to never have PIV. I’ve been with someone for 3 months too who is 49 and if we hadn’t had PIV I’d be very unsatisfied and expecting him to speak to a GP. Same would go for me if something was causing me to not be able to have penetrative sex. I wouldn’t over think it, if all other signs are good then he sounds keen and just medical reasons preventing it, not you.

Thanks for the replies. He has an appointment with his GP this week. It’s hard to know what can be done because he has slightly high blood pressure so Viagra might not be suitable, but he’s willing to see if there are options. I do feel reassured though.

Cockrings are your friend. Find the one that fits well.

Definitely sounds medical to me. Tbh if he didn't fancy you he wouldn't want to have any sex at all and wouldn't be able to get anything up at all!