Spanking

[Judeisnotobscure]

I consider myself a liberated woman, I strongly believe in equality and abhor violence of any kind. I also love to be spanked, I request it in fact! Has anyone in a similar situation managed to fully reconcile both aspects of their lives?

What's in my mind is that the role reversal (ie from the preference on this thread) is generally a turn-off. The images that come to mind are elderly Tory men with, shall we say, hired help, or emasculated men with mother issues.

Or am I over-thinking this and it's just that it feels nice?

Same. I don’t think the sensation of spanking feels nice either.

I am very much a feminist, I’m also a survivor of DV emotional abuse in past relationships; and I absolutely love being spanked (hand & instruments), face slapped, spat on, name called and degraded; so yeah I am a full on Sub. But my Dom, is 100% a man who is kind and gentle and would absolutely never cross over these things into real life.

For me, it’s about the sensations, as well as knowing that I am the one who can control and stop it at any time. I just need to say the word.
i also love that a slap/spank brings me sharply into the moment. My mind is such a busy, overwhelmed mess, that ‘sub-space’ properly centres me. The name calling, is always at my instigation, I’m owning what’s happening.
Its taken a lot of thought and talk with my Dom and my best friend to reconcile my past with this side of me.

I see it’s each to their own, but only partake if that’s what you fully want and you have a partner you trust totally and know will never go too far.
every person has a choice of their own pleasures in the bedroom (legal, of course), and sometimes they conflict with our beliefs, but I believe women have a right to choose if they wish to be spanked etc, and they need to find their own ways to reconcile the two, it’s a complicated subject I guess.

@Tunnocksmallow I am so glad that you are free from the abuse now and free to live a beautiful life in a trusting relationship. You truly are a survivor. Thank you so much for replying to me, you’ve given me a lot to think about. Much love xx

I've always described myself as a feminist (as I'm a man, maybe that should read feminist ally), and I attend feminist conferences – I was at the recent WPUK day in London.

So the idea of inflicting physical pain on a woman goes against every instinct I've encouraged in myself down the years.

I guess I could imagine spanking happening in a trusting relationship if a partner reassured me it was genuinely pleasurable for them. But it would go massively against the grain for me – which I think is a good instinct. As others have said, it's about trust and honesty.

So yes, open to persuasion, open to suggestions, but the persuasion would have to be pretty compelling...

Not so many men on this thread as usual- the mumsnet men seem to love questions about cunnilingus or making sure their lover cums first.

I have found getting on in years (now 45) the sub space feels less comfortable for me. And men perhaps view an 'older' woman as more appealing to domme/ spank them .

Do any of the women here have a partner slightly younger than them who spanks you?

I love being spanked, the emotional feeling of someone else being in charge and I love the pain aspect as well. I find it difficult to do tho, as I have an inbuilt fear of hurting a woman, so I probably would hold back from going too hard, even if it was something the woman liked and wanted.

@PotteringPondering my partner is exactly the same. We had a several in depth discussions about him spanking me, he didn’t want to let me down as I had asked him and I didn’t want to force him to do something he really wasn’t into. But he agreed to try, we started with a soft flogger and worked up to spanking. It’s not just about him slapping my skin, it’s the dopamine high, it’s the surrender, the loving affirmations afterwards. Bliss!

I never expected my wife to say she wanted to bring spanking into our bedroom play. She just always seemed too prim & proper and I had never tried it before (nor had the desire to). But she asked a couple of years ago after 8 years together.

But it was what she wanted, so I gave it a go. Needless to say, she really likes it and it turns her on greatly.

She moans nicely from a few firm slaps on the the ass-checks during doggie. Her moans correspondingly turn me on.

The consensus seems to be come on chaps, get us in line in the bedroom!

Consential spanking has nothing to do with abhorant violence. The very important difference is consent.

It'll surprise nobody to hear that I enjoy heavy impact play. As a bratty masochist, my scenes are often based on "misbehaving" until I'm tied up and "punished".

But, if you'd have told me three years ago that I'd be letting a man hit me so hard that I still had bruises weeks later, I'd have been horrified. I'd assume that any woman engaging in that type of sex must have low self-esteem and that the guy was clearly abusive.

What I understand now is that the submissive or bottom is the one who holds all the power. Nothing happens to me without my explicit consent and any edge play is carefully negotiated at length beforehand.

There are a myriad of reasons why people like spanking and impact, from wanting to submit or serve to enjoying the sensation and endorphin release. I know some women who want to reenact past trauma but in a way where they control what happens and the outcome.

For me, it's a power trip... look at what I can endure, you can't break me! So it actually comes from a place of strength not weakness.

Unless you really understand the motivations behind the behaviour, it's easy to assume that spanking is abhorrent, disgusting behaviour copied from the porn industry. But the reality is much more complex.

@PinotPony Thank you, you managed to explain it in a way more eloquently than I ever could!
it’s easy for those who don’t understand that lifestyle and fundamentals of it to blame the porn industry; but it is actually really nuanced and usually quite psychologically deep for all the reasons why someone is into impact play.

@Judeisnotobscure Thank you. I hope you manage to find the answers you’re looking for. And it’s good you’re asking questions and thinking, not jumping to conclusions. Any questions feel free to ask x

@PinotPony i think the idea of past trauma is the side that actually frightens me, I was raised by physically abusive parents. However, I feel like I’ve dealt with that and moved on. I certainly don’t want my past interwoven in my sex life!

Hmm, genuine trauma-focused therapy never ever suggests sexual roleplay as a way of dealing with adverse or abusive experiences, in fact very much the reverse — so i’m pretty sceptical that it could be anything other than quite a maladaptive response to past trauma.

I think it’s really worrying that this has grown up as a kind of myth (often among younger people) — as reenacting past trauma like that is actually pretty dangerous, risky and unhealthy in psychological terms. I have to say that myths like these make me a lot more sceptical about bdsm roleplay!

Am a feminist in the streets,
Absolutely not in the sheets!

It's interesting because my experience of submission was absolutely the opposite of powerful. That was the point. I was doing things that were dangerous, making myself weak, unsafe, powerless and dependent. It went against everything I'd been brought up to do and believe. It was mentally such a ride - blasted all the difficult stuff I had going on in my head away. I think 'the sub is actually in control' stuff is a misogynistic take, in fact*. No, if you're tied up, prevented from speaking etc you aren't in control, even if you do have a boundary/ safe word. You have voluntarily handed over control, which is not imo the same thing.

*I say this because my experience of dominating men was quite different. But then although I can be an assertive lover, I'm not sure that I'm really a dominant.

I was heavily into bdsm as a submissive. 5 years since my last bdsm relationship I am actually shocked by the dangerous situations I put myself in. Beware of the endorphin high, it is addictive and you end up seeking more and more of the high. Finding a long term partner in bdsm is not easy, most of the men are married although will lie through their teeth, creating all sorts of stories that you want to believe cos you are a submissive and need the next ‘hit’.

I am an intelligent professional, single parent, own home and business and come across as very capable with my life sorted . I did things that I actually cannot believe I did because I would so easily go into a sub space, at that point you have no control because it is like you are drug induced. Alpha males, dominant men, have a control over you, the experienced ones know how to drop you into a submissive state so quickly , a look, a gentle tug of your hair, hand in the small of your back guiding you into a restaurant.. some of you will know what I mean. It’s powerful, liberating and complete escapism in the heat of the session.

I now see that my life was dictated by the need to have a dominant partner, there are so few sane unmarried ones. I have missed out on some genuinely nice guys who did not have that ‘air of authority’ about them because I was obsessed with the thought I had to be with a Dominant man. I feel mentally damaged and I admit it was my own fault. I constantly feel uncomfortable, guilty and embarrassed at the situations I have been in and I can’t block it out and it happened over a 15 year period in my life.

The desire is still there but I can’t do this any more.

Just want to say for those that are dipping their toes in, beware of bdsm dating sites, beware of men that seem to good to be true and try to keep the balance between the need to be a submissive and your day to day life .

I will out myself as a member of the hairier half of humanity.

I would have no problem spanking DW if that's what she wanted. I would see it as a loving act.

BUT- I'll add that some years back I was having a bad time in a relationship - really not being treated well - and it result in submissive fantasies. I think it was a way of letting the storm blow over me. I'm not in the situation now and the fantasies have gone, and I've since been very suspicious of their origin.

Thanks @naughtytortiefortytwo

You may well be right. I can't speak with any certainty about it, having not experienced any past trauma myself. I only repeat what I've heard other women tell me about their experiences. I certainly wouldn't recommend that any woman seeks out a D/s dynamic solely as a means of therapy.

In the early part of marriage before kids came along it was fun to have a romp with my DH where I would play tricks on him or be very cheeky and end up over his knee for a mild bum warming with his hard hand on the way to the bedroom. The fact one wore miniskirts at the time added to the impression of the professional woman being a naughty girl. Bit of fun sex play and certainly not BDSM. Certainly added a bit of spice to things but I know it’s not everyone’s way of doing things.

I think there's a difference between a bit of 'slap and tickle' (for want of a better description) and full on spanking. There's a difference between a slap on the arse to get the blood flowing and full on spank mode. Understanding the motivations or reasoning or expectations helps. If it's a case of a smack on the arse feels a bit naughty all well and good. Then there's the deeper version. The version where power and control comes in to play. And this is a different realm. It would seem like the one doing the spanking has all the power and control, and yes in effect that's true. But it's also about the anticipation, the submission, the trust and the waiting for it... I like to spank or be spanked, depends on the mood and situation but I never feel not in control as that's just not how it works. But there's something about being spanked so hard that over the next couple of days every time you sit down you're reminded of the event. And that's a turn on.

Hello I'm a female who is looking for older people who gives spanking.

You won't have long to wait on here.

I tried a few spanks on my partner, during the day I had smacked her bum and told her that she was going to get more later, she seemed quite up for it. When it came down to it, she really did not like it and it was a bit of a moment killer. I guess it is one of those things that you have to try and see how it works for you. I like the idea of giving out playful spanking, I would even try the bended over the knee, these things need consent though.