Medical, psychological or simply incompatible?

[Uncertain12345]

My girlfriend and I have been with each other about a year. Very much still loved-up, we get on well and it feels very “healthy”. Our sex life is enjoyable and appear to have matching libidos but there’s just one aspect that has started to cause a bit of worry.

I’ve always tried to be an attentive lover, and -have always been able to learn how to bring my ex-partners to orgasm. It was always a mutually pleasurable thing. My current partner, however, always insists on bringing herself to orgasm. Sometimes it’s while we’re doing the deed, which feels fine, but other times it ends up with her insisting on essentially masturbating with her eyes closed next to me whilst I feel like a spare part.

Until recently she said this was down to a) medication she was taking and b) getting an orgasm required her to focus on herself anyway. As such, she just wouldn’t be able to cum from anything I did, whatever I tried. But she assured me she still enjoyed sex with me.

However she recently let slip that one ex from years ago was able to make her orgasm within minutes and was totally unprepared for it when it happened. This revelation has made me question things. Is it possible that rather than it being a biological issue like she claims, it’s just simply that we don’t have enough chemistry in bed? We find each other sexy - but maybe not sexy enough for her to get carried away enough to cum with me or from my touch?

We’re so good together in all other aspects it feels awful to think we might be incompatible after all. I think she wants to ignore the issue as everything else is so good. She’s told me it could also be an anxiety issue - that she needs to learn to “let go” - but, again, she was able to “let go” a bit more easily with her ex! I’ve not been pressuring her about it - quite the opposite, it went largely unmentioned until very recently - certainly as something that might be causing an issue. Has anyone any advice?

@Uncertain12345 Hey mate, firstly don't worry, walk the walk with your OH and focus on you.

Be you, be present, hug often, relax and look her in the eye in and out of the bedroom.

Have a look at Passionate Marriage (it's for everyone btw).

There is nothing wrong with either of you, ever.

Don’t take this offensively but could it be you’re not able to bring her to orgasm so it makes sense for her to do it herself, or has she never allowed you to bring her to orgasm.

I fail to see why this is a big issue. It is not the route to a destination that is important. Do you hold her at the same time?

Was partner on the same medication when she was with her ex? It’s really hard when meds are brought into the mix and I’ve been there before, it was zero to do with the partner.

Could you spend an evening without orgasm being the aim but just enjoyment.. so (if she’s comfortable) a whole session of foreplay and exploring her body and what she likes/loves? Make a point of no penetration but everything else and the focus being making her comfortable, feeling loved, sexy and turned on.

Btw when I say focus on you I don't mean from a selfish/individualistic perspective I mean that you grow, you develop and you move forward in yourself.

Believe her. People change.

I had sex last week for the first time in a month due to a miscarriage, with my partner of >2 years. My orgasm just didn't work in the same way. Same the next time we tried.

I had to do it myself because i could respond immediately to what i wanted, to allow me to get the engine started.

I agree with PP, lose your focus on her orgasm. Instead let her know that you want to spend an evening totally focused on her pleasure. Have a few things up your sleeve to try and get her to tell you what she likes. No pressure on orgasm, she knows she can do that herself. This is just about making her feel amazing.

Some great advice here from@Choochoo22 @StarlightLady @Violet90 @Whataretheodds mate.

To add (I always think of me after I have pressed return), most men I've known have actually enjoyed the sight of me doing it.

And nobody knows the woman's body better than that woman herself.

I think there's some really excellent advice here and more wisdom than I could offer.

But when you are saying that she lies next to you with her eyes closed and you feel like a spare part, could her masturbation not actually become part of your lovemaking, both physical and emotional? I'm sensing that you are feeling separated off for some reason when actually she doesn't necessarily feel that at all. She is with you now because she wants to be and is happy to share these close intimate moments with you.

This happens with DW and me sometimes, and we continue kissing, holding each other, etc, as she masturbates. Or I just lie I back and enjoy the intimacy of watching her bring herself to orgasm. That she knows exactly what to do to get herself there brings a different sort of thrill of closeness. And then holding each other in a warm glow afterwards.

You've already had some great advice here, I think if you could feel "part of it" maybe that could help? In a way that doesn't distract her?
Have to agree with @Iloveabaconbutty when he says That she knows exactly what to do to get herself there brings a different sort of thrill of closeness and to take this a bit further, I think it's especially intimate that she not only feels able to do this with you watching, but also is clearly so comfortable in this situation that she's able to orgasm. I think it's the ultimate intimacy, for me personally, there's not many partners I've felt comfortable enough to do this with (only two that I can recall, one of which wasn't even exh).

I have come with past partners but it’s not easy and it has become harder as I age. I also can’t always get myself off. I’m better at it though although I really enjoy masturbation whilst my partner holds me or plays with the boobs or fingers me. He is providing me a lot of sexual satisfaction at the moment and I can’t get enough but I still have to push myself over the cliff. I enjoy sex even if I can’t come (sometimes I can’t even if I touch myself).

I think you are overthinking this….

I do cum with my partner, but not as easily or as often as I'd like..and I understand your OHs perspective because if she can get the job done quickly..it makes sense in her mind for her to just do it. What I can do in 2 minutes, it might take 15 minutes of oral for my partner to get me there. That's nothing on him or his technique because he's great and I've shown him exactly what I like- I think it's anxiety and not being able to fully relax. It's almost a pressure related thing for me - I know the whole point of what he's doing is to make me cum which makes me overthink how long it's taking/is he bored/is it even gonna happen. On my own I don't have that worry because if it doesn't happen, il stop and it's fine...if it doesn't happen when he's doing it, he's gonna think he wasn't good. Maybe she's an overthinker in this context?

Thanks everyone! That’s eased my anxiety - I suppose I’m coming from a place where she gives me so much by bringing me to orgasm that I feel bad about not being able to return the favour.

@dalmation4046 she says she is, however thee as that’s why her comment about her ex concerned me - because this evidently wasn’t an issue with him or rather he was able to get her aroused enough to overcome this and make her orgasm despite herself (and fairly quickly too). I guess as others have pointed out though, that was a long time ago and she wasn’t taking the medication then.