Old fetlife

[Worriedaboutmybrother]

Me and DH have been together 5 years, he had fetlife before we met- fair enough. Told me he come off everything when we became serious, however I’ve just found out he still has the profile but “doesn’t use it”.

Im beside myself, do I have the right to be?

He says it was before me and him were an item and as he’s not been on it since it’s not an issue, I’ve asked him to show me he’s not used it but he says he can’t log in (he’s shown me him trying to and he says he’s forgot the passwords and access to old email he signed up with). For some reason I’m devastated. We’re into BDSM but it’s OUR thing, not for the world to see him in all his glory.

Fetlife is not a dating site...

Many people use it just to keep track of events, chat with other like-minded people, share pictures, talk about the lifestyle and so on.

It is not just about searching for partner(s).

If I am honest I think you sound a bit controlling and insecure.

Our boundary at the start of our relationship was that we didn’t have fetlife (it was mutual) I was a fetish model and he requested I stop- I did out of respect.

I don’t think having healthy and clear boundaries and everyone being clear from the get go of a serious relationship is controlling or insecure.

Well you either trust him when he says he hasn’t used it or you don’t.

I imagine when you agreed to not use these accounts he just… didn’t use it? Whilst you deleted yours (or would have in the same situation etc).
I don’t use a lot of my old accounts for things but have not necessarily gone in and deleted my profiles.

Unless you specifically had the conversation where you said “have you deleted your account?” And he said yes…. Then sure that would be a lie.

But what it comes down to, do you trust him to be telling the truth, if the answer is no then your relationship is over tbh

If he’s genuinely forgotten the details for it and it’s therefore been dormant for over half a decade, the likelihood of anyone actually seeing or interacting with it on Fetlife is tiny. It’s just one of the thousands of old abandoned profiles out there in the stack. And if it was from before he met you, it presumably doesn’t have any reference to you - so whatever sort of sex you’re having is still “your thing” between the two of you.

Is there something else going on in your relationship currently, which has brought this to the fore? After so many years, why has the question of his old Fetlife profile arisen?

So did you not know he had an account at all when you both agreed to not have one?
Or is he saying he forgot to delete it after you made that agreement?

It comes down to if the profile has been used or not since you made that agreement. It doesn't sound like you specifically asked him to delete it at the time? Search his username, has the profile been updated at all? Has he added new photos or profile info?