No one to talk to

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

DH and I have been together nearly 20 years, together from a young age, now in early 30's, two young kids. I've no one irl to talk to about this, I need somewhere to vent and feel a bit too delicate/explicit for AIBU?

DH watches a fair amount of porn, he has light BDSM preferences. I'm a lot more vanilla but willing to try, and feel I have tried, a lot of what turns him on.

A year or so ago we had an argument about me not enjoying sex, we had an infant, I wasn't getting much sleep, when we had sex everything felt different and I often felt pressured to go further than vanilla when I barely wanted sex in the first place. We had a frank discussion where I promised to try and enjoy it more and in return I asked for a bit more intimacy, massages, sometimes just for me and sometimes as foreplay.

Since then we've had some really great sex and a lot of ok sex. The other week I gave DH a bj to completion. This is a first for both of us, we've always just moved on before the big finish before. DH had mentioned it a couple of times so when the mood felt right I went for it. DH has not stopped talking about it since.
Following on from this he set out an evening focussing on my pleasure. He laid out plans to tie me up and make me come multiple times, definitely more his fantasy than mine but I was willing to play along as we'd both be satisfied, we'd use some of my fav toys and some of his, we'd both have fun.

So I dressed up to his specifications, was tied up for over an hour and started feeling uncomfortable. Part of our argument was me not speaking up so I told him what wasn't working for me and we moved. There wasn't much other communication, I felt really uncertain and ridiculous and I would have found it very difficult to come in that situation.

DH picked up on my discomfort, went to take a break and came down with my pyjamas. I felt that as soon as I didn't live up to his porn fuelled fantasy I was rejected and dismissed. I'm really unhappy, I feel like a sex doll and not a real person, the only thing I've asked for hasn't happened, if this was supposed to be for my pleasure why did he set up a scene from a porno where he knows I'm out of my comfort zone?

I've tried really hard to be enthusiastic and do things he wants but I feel like as soon as he's satisfied there's no room left for me. I'm really upset about this situation and I've told him how I feel but if I say more I'd hurt his feelings.

He's being completely selfish, he doesn't get to decide what you want or like. If he wants an evening focussing on your pleasure then he needs to ask you what you want, not decide for you what you would like.

You need to stop playing along and just going along with what he wants. He wants you to speak up so I'd start by telling him you don't want sex again until he starts listening to what you actually like and following through on it. Tell him you want to be massaged, kissed and loved but instead that you feel like you're just someone to act out his porn fantasy. Now it's your turn so he needs to do exactly as he's told and you're taking control. Then do it - who knows he might love you taking control, if it turns him into a sulky child who's not interested in your wants and needs then it looks like unfortunately you married a sulky sex pest arsehole.

OP I've had a similar experience when my partner said he wanted to focus on my pleasure, when what he actually meant was that he wanted to focus on his idea of my pleasure.

It made me really annoyed and it took quite some time for him to appreciate that what he thought I should find sexy and arousing, weren't necessarily the same things as those that I actually did find sexy and arousing.

I suppose men's frame of reference for female pleasure is so often skewed by the male perspective. I would sit him down and have an honest conversation about what you want and help him see his role in making that happen.

Firstly, kudos for having a crack at it! Many people would simply say no, it's not their cup of tea, and that would be the end of it.

Secondly, sex is one of those annoying things where even the best of people can start off with good intentions and end up completely deviating from it. I think we've all had the "I'm more of a giver" partner at some stage... only for them to become selfish once they realise how nice it is to receive. I think that's what's happened here... you've made the effort, he's got caught up in it, and your pleasure has taken a bit of a back seat.

I don't think there's anything wrong from either side... you've tried and realised it's not you, and he gets caught up in the fantasy when it is enacted at the detriment of your needs.

I think perhaps an alternating pleasure thing is needed... a day for him and a day for you. He gets his porn fantasy (with firm lines in the sand), and the next time you get a more romantic, sensual experience, which might not be completely his thing?

This is really a communication is key situation...

I would tell him your idea of a hot night is a huge dildo up his arse and him tied up.

Then pop out to a friends house....
Or better still leave him altogether..
Nobody should be bullied into any sort of sex they aren't comfortable with.. His is a sex pest op.

My exh was worse. Won't go into it but I did leave him.

You're giving an inch and he's taking a mile and only thinking of himself.

Nip this in the bud now, as I can tell you, years down the line you are going to feel bitter at his manipulation of you.

better still leave him altogether..
Nobody should be bullied into any sort of sex they aren't comfortable with.. His is a sex pest op

Agreed

I do wonder if he saw porn with a lady really enjoying being tied up and made to cum over and over (not realising they are probably faking?).

Thing is he's not an idiot, he knows porn's not real and I don't mind playing along with the fantasy. I'm not completely vanilla, it's just most of the things I do in bed are purely for him, I don't hate them, they don't turn me on but I am turned on by how turned on he is.

I think I got my wires crossed thinking he was thinking of me when it turned out to be purely his fantasy fulfilment and when I didn't play my role correctly he stopped. Which was probably correct but I was upset, willing to try something else and he said HE felt rejected.

I sound completely wet but I am really upset that I feel I do a lot, I feel completely ridiculous that I was dressed up for him and then had pjs unceremoniously dumped on me instead of an orgasm.

It doesn't sound ok, but he might have thought you were into it more than you were. The PJs is him sulking, probably embarrassed as I guess in his head you were going to have the time of your life, when in your head you were just thinking 'this is shit'. As others have said communication is key, he needs to know firmly how you feel, what works for you and what doesn't. If you told him he's making you feel like a sex doll, he will probably wake up. Be firm with what you need, just do only what you're comfortable with and personally I'd be asking him to scale down the porn and pay more attention to your needs, not what he thinks you need

Thank you for the replies.

I know it's not ok and I know I need to talk to him. I'm probably the one sulking today, I don't even want to look at him.

I told him as much earlier when his solution to yesterday was "trying again tonight" I told him I just want a bath. But tbh neither of those things would improve on the hurt and rejection I feel.

I'm starting to think I just don't like sex.

OK - this man is NOT thinking of you - not at all. His porn watching has convinced him that what he is doing to you is what all women like - and he justifies his actions by convincing you he has your pleasure in mind. Porn distorts the relationship between men and women - men fall for the fairy tale. Most women have more sense.

Leave him.

You are feeling "wet" - he is manipulating your thoughts and making out that you are pathetic to get you round to his way of thinking, rather than your own valid preferences.

Get rid.

I'd say there's plenty of conversation to be had before just leaving someone, particularly when you've been together forever and have kids. Men can change, it just requires bold and brave conversation to highlight the errors of his ways. If he doesn't want to change, then that's different

I'm not going to leave him over a stupid sex session and it really was stupid.

I am upset though and I don't understand how he thinks he was rejected! I was honestly left sitting there feeling like such a mug.

I think I feel like I go the extra mile for him sexually and he only goes that extra mile for himself.

There's a difference between sharing fantasies with a partner and imposing them. I've shared a few fantasies with my other half, some which she's been v happy to explore, others which she told me quite direct she wasn't interested in. She wasn't offended by me asking and I wasn't offended by her not wanting to as there were plenty of other fun things we both like. No bigger turn off than a partner who's heart isn't in particular activity/fantasy.

In this case it sounds like the heavy handed way of imposing a fantasy has made sex stressful and unenjoyable, and I would say your partner needs to back off a bit as being tied up doesn't do it for you.

He got over excited, didn’t he?! I love to be tied up but over an hour is too long , it gets too sore. He needs to manage his expectations.
You need a re-run, a perfect night just for you. This time with explicit instructions about what you want from him.

With regards to the pjs, it sounds like your DH realised he had went too far and brought those for your comfort. It was a clumsy attempt at aftercare though because, without proper dialogue, it’s left you feeling rejected.

Communication and compromise will see you both through.

You really don't need to go any extra miles with a proper partner....
Raise your bar op.

I had something similar. DH wanted me to do anal. Guess what I said?
"You first"
So that was that. He actually laughed a lot. Never going to happen and he knows it. Each to their own.
Men eh?
OP DH needs to grow the fuck up. Stand your ground.

When I just started seeing my DP, he once proposed a sex session where we saw how many times he could make me orgasm in 90 minutes. I had to explain to him that would be a huge turnoff to me because I would feel under pressure to respond, the best sec for me does not necessarily correlate with more orgasms, etc. he took it all on board and we have a great sex life.

My point is that men often don't understand what turns women on, what amounts to amazing sex, and how porn is inaccurate. I am puzzled why when your DH proposed a night dedicated to your pleasure the proposal didn't actually seem like your cup of tea? Why not speak up then rather than play along?

I totally understand your feelings, OP but the only way forward is to be blunt and explicit with him. He may not take it well at first but it is essential for you two to have a satisfying sex life long term. (And being tied up for an hour without an orgasm doesn't sound wonderful to me!)

My ex DH was extremely sensitive to what he perceived as criticism about sex. It killed our sex life because it meant we only did the same things, which were what he enjoyed. Now I realise there's no need to let that happen.