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Guilt after becoming a mum

7 replies

Alwaysworrie22 · 30/01/2023 21:10

hi,
Im 26 and I used to occasionally watch porn on Reddit, not often just every now and then. I’ve recently had a baby and I seen a video about ethical porn and so I started researching it. I’ve been reading about the porn industry and how people are coerced and trafficked into taking part in porn and even amateur porn which magazines like cosmo describe as ‘ethical’ can be revenge porn being uploaded without consent. I honestly don’t know why I never thought about this before and I feel so much guilt that I ever even looked at porn, Im suffering from PND at the minute so I don’t know if i’m just looking for another reason to make myself feel bad but just wondering if anyone else has felt the same & their views changed on porn after becoming a mum?

OP posts:
AbsolutePixels · 31/01/2023 00:50

Yes, my views on porn have changed radically. I initially started using it as a way to escape the drudgery of caring for my baby, but became more and more disturbed by the violence, abuse and degradation. I would find myself looking at the young women in the videos and wondering who they were, and what kind of adversity had caused them to end up in porn. And yet, even though I knew it was wrong, I carried in using it, because I felt I needed that escapism so badly (I also had PND).

Finally, the cognitive dissonance became overwhelming. I was volunteering for a charity that supported CSA survivors. One night I came home, went on pornhub and was scrolling past the ubiquitous incest-themed videos, and it struck me that I was part of the problem. Ok, so I didn't watch these nonce-orientated videos, but to repeatedly visit a site that hosted such content was to tacitly participate in the normalisation of paedophilia.

That was seven years ago, and I haven't watched porn since. However, I'm definitely still a work in progress. E.g. I'm a radical feminist now and opposed to BDSM, but there are aspects of my sexual programming I'll probably never be able to undo, and I'm ok with that. I'm not going to crucify myself for enjoying a bit of rough sex now and then.

Please be kind to yourself also. It takes courage and integrity to confront such things. You should be proud of yourself. Remember, you were raised in possibly the most pornified culture that has ever existed: that's not your fault. You've made an effort to explore the realities of the porn industry, which is something that most people will never do. Now you know better, you'll do better.

Enjoy this time with your baby and don't feel guilty for things that are not your fault. Are you receiving support and treatment for the PND?

AverageGuy · 31/01/2023 10:45

Try MLNP.

Alwaysworrie22 · 31/01/2023 11:13

Ah yeah I feel the same absolutepixels, I just wish I would have looked into the porn industry earlier feel quite disturbed after what I’ve read.
& thank you for the suggestion averageguy, I’ve read they try to keep it ethical but think I’ve been put off for life now haha thanks anyways.

OP posts:
AbsolutePixels · 31/01/2023 13:40

I think there's a more positive way of looking at this: you feel upset because you're a good person who cares about the vulnerable, and the porn industry is - frankly - a horror show. That concern for others is a good thing, it shows you have a functioning conscience.

However, try to keep things in perspective. You didn't cause direct or deliberate harm to anyone. You weren't well informed back then. Now you are, and will act accordingly.

Try to focus on the future, getting treatment for the PND and enjoying life once more. If you find yourself ruminating about this and feeling terribly guilty, that's a symptom of the depression, not a sign you're a bad person.

Iloveabaconbutty · 31/01/2023 21:01

I agree with absolutely everything that has said by @AbsolutePixels. The porn industry is awful. There may be some "ethical" websites in which participants are well paid and on a career path which they have freely chosen.

But for a vast majority of what's available to view there's simply no way of knowing if there's been coersion, consent for the videos going online, or anything. What's for sure is that there's a real human being behind everyone depicted on screen. Are they all there of their own free choice? I doubt it.

I think to come to realise that makes you a really good, caring and concerned person. Absolutely no need to feel guilty at all. And congratulations on becoming a new mum! There's so much to enjoy just now. I do hope the PND lifts soon.

Alwaysworrie22 · 08/02/2023 12:08

Thank you both for your replies you’ve both really helped. I think I’m just struggling because like you said you never really know If the video is non consensual/ if the participants have been trafficked/ have drug problems causing them to take part and a lot of the content out there is violent and degrading to women so this is the main thing I’m really struggling to live with at the minute. I also question if Reddit is really able to asses this content as there is so much amateur stuff posted it’s impossible for them to know if it’s consensual and not revenge porn. I have reported a lot of the content to the IWF ( who have came back saying they aren’t concerned) and also to the NCA to see if they can asses if any of the videos are abuse or non consensual. I know this sounds silly and they will probably just look at it and think why is this girl reporting porn (because the violence/ degradation seems like a running theme across all mainstream porn sites) but just felt like I needed to actively do something.

OP posts:
Iloveabaconbutty · 08/02/2023 12:46

It's not silly at all. Speaking from your heart and conscience can never be that. That's the the most effective way that the world has only ever changed for the better.

The very best to you.

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