When can we do it?

[Izbizbiz]

I’m feeling at a loss about this and I just don’t know how others manage.

my partner and I both have high sex drives and want one another every day.

problem is, we have a 12yo and 8yo in the house and busy lives with work.

the 12 yo doesn’t go to bed until 10:30 and takes about 1hr to fall asleep and my partner is up for work at 5 am. We’ve been really frustrated at not being able to be intimate.
we’ve tried being quiet but we are sure she hears things and it puts us off. We’ve tried staying up but my partner is going to end up having a heart attack if he keeps running on like 4/5 hours of sleep. We’ve tried a quickly in the morning but we both keep falling back asleep 🙈🤣

I wonder if this is a common thing and how other parents cope with older kids/later bedtimes and the impact on their ability to be together?

weve discussed him going to bed before she does but we both agree we should go to bed together. We’ve each been in relationships where that intimacy of going to bed together was a bugbear and caused problems.

we do have time together every other at weekend but it’s not enough in terms of frequency 😞

Maybe more starchy carbs in your kids diets at the end of the day and maybe some exercise?

It's hard to do much else's especially with little ones, you could also try to shift their wake up time to be earlier in the morning which should help their energy levels later in the day and they'll hopefully need to sleep earlier.

Good luck!!

Does 12 yo have a TV in their room? I'd just say on weekdays they need to be upstairs by 9 and tv off by 10. They need sleep at that age. If they are watching TV at 9 you could do it then.

lock the door, whack the radio up and go to town 😁
I think if they hear some noises, as long as they are mostly happy noises then what's the harm? Maybe save any heavy BDSM for weekends away but a bit of slap and tickle, why not??

How about at teatime, sit them both down with their tea and sneak off to another room.

Make use of what you have available, do you have a kitchen counter you could lean over where he stands behind you so it would buy you a few seconds if you were interuppted.

Or try the "mummy just needs to help daddy find something in the garage/bedroom" line and sneak off for a few minutes

We have the same situation. You're not alone. 15 year old who likes to come and say goodnight, every night around 10 and is on the move until 10.30, showering (next to our room), kitchen (past our bedroom) etc. We're up for work at 6 and have a 9 year old who's up at 6.30 everyday including weekends.

It's ruining our sex life which is already limited by dh having a much lower drive than me and he lacks passion, is getting older, doesn't seem that interested. It's me who needs intimacy and sex otherwise my eyes wander and I'm unhappy in my marriage.

We've tried weekend mornings but it's rushed because we're interrupted and it's off putting knowing your kids are about.

I have no solutions but I'm interested in ideas.

I fell your pain. I came on here for answers and saw your post.

We only have one much younger kid (3) but have a similar problem. In the evenings we're mostly too tired, plus one of us does weird shifts, including nightshifts once a week and late shifts on other days.

We can sometimes make time in the day when DD is at nursery school and that's about it these days. Sometimes we're not too tired in the evening although the quality often isn't great when we do have the energy. Sometimes we can send DD to the grandparents for a bit, but they're 200km away so its not like we can just drop her off for a couple of hours. DD stopped napping about six months ago, so that's not going to work either.

For you, are well-timed after school clubs for both children an option. I realize this probably only frees up an extra hour here or there, but it might be enough?

We have a 5y/o and a 9y/o home every day, and then a 10 y/o here every other weekend...we never have an issue? If they're upstairs..we will have a bathroom session or on the sofa. Yes it's less sexy and you have to keep an ear out but it's never stopped us. If they're downstairs, we nip upstairs..with the bedroom door closed they'd never hear anything unless we were being stupidly loud which we aren't. I think if we only did it when they were asleep, we'd manage about once a week which just isn't enough. I think it's just about being aware of when they're occupied - in the shower, watching TV and quickly sneaking off. Leave the longer, louder, more intimate sex for your child free weekends and make the most of quickies/quieter sessions when they're home. There's always a way! X

Thank you all for the responses.

i maybe should have said that my partner is not my kids dad and doesn’t live here full time. He is here about 9 days a fortnight but he goes home when he has his daughter because she isn’t really comfortable here. She is also 12.
we have been together for 4.5 years and my kids are comfortable with him though.
i added this context because somehow in my mind it makes it slightly different because nudity is something he is very careful about - he doesn’t go upstairs at all when they are in the house because I have a very acrimonious relationship with my ex and I wouldn’t put it past him to make up horrendous allegations. He’s made different but awfully and untrue allegations before.
anyway, I couldn’t risk them wandering in and catching us so meal times are out. They are like little ninjas and we wouldn’t hear them approaching.
I feel like if they saw their dad putting on clothes or a bare bum enroute to cover up, it might not be questioned but seeing him definitely would be. Don’t know if that makes sense but it does to me.

my kids don’t have tvs in their rooms. I can’t afford one and my daughter watches tv with us until 10 then it’s lights out at 10:30. She has enough sleep as she doesn’t get up until 7:30. My son goes to bed at 8:30 so she gets some alone time with me/us.
both children have a range of activities now from swimming to football to running club to horse riding. So I’m not worried about them needing more activities.

my partner isn’t home until after 7 and at least one of them are always home.

my partner too is older and tastes a bit longer to get into it and we need to be a bit more creative. Gone are the days when a quicky could happen. That’s another thing, when we do have sex after my dd is asleep, it’s rarely a 10 or 15 minute thing. It is usually well over an hour. He would rather not have sex if both of us don’t get there. Me on the other hand (no pun intended 🤣) wouldn’t mind if I didn’t.

it’s both comforting and sad that others relate. I’ve spoken to him and he’s said that when he’s not here, he’s going to try and go to bed earlier so he can cope with a later night when he’s here. It’s not ideal.

it’s refreshing that some of you have been a bit more ‘selfish’ than I’d expected re the kids. I’m used to posts on this page being all about the kids and putting your own needs to one side. Maybe it’s because I’m on the sex pages that I’m seeing a different approach.

Nothing to add other than we also have a 12 and 8 year old, plus a 1 year old. I'm at work 7.30-4.30 and dh is out 9.30-7.30 just resigned ourselves to the fact it's a (very) rare occurrence now.