Would a toy help stir up a low libido woman? Or no libido, no interest?

[Plymouthmouthy]

Would love to hear from any women who used toy of some sort to stir up their low libido.

Or would it be pointless because low libido = no interest in such black magic.

I'm the HL bloke but sitting in a dead bedroom. And wondering, if taking myself out of the equation for a bit might be some way to undead the bedroom.

Toys can perhaps help but low libido for myself was a physical issue that needed to be addressed medically and no amount of toys or anything was going to fix that. I might as well have been fighting the current of the ocean.

I think they can help. I know for me the more sex I have the more sex I want. So I guess the theory could apply with toys, that could kick in someone’s sexual wants again. Assume that your partner has spoken to the GP about it (assuming she wants to kick start her sex life?) - things like contraceptive pills can affect libido etc.

In the absence of a physical/psychological barrier to libido you could try exploring the often quoted fact that the brain is the largest sex organ. I cannot praise the erotica on Audible enough for reawakening my inner freak!! I realise the books are not going to win literary prizes but they certainly set my imagination on fire!

Also, whoever invented the Womaniser actually does deserve a prize!! Good luck, I hope your situation improves!

I would say no physical barrier per se but still a physical barrier to to age and declining hormone levels. There is a psychological which is complicated and trying to work through that, albeit on my own at the moment

In that case, sadly I don’t think a toy will help matters. Could you explore therapy or counselling to work through the psychological issues?

Really depends, there is always a lower level of libido in any relationship or it's equal (pretty rare in my experience).

Perimenopause, underlying health conditions, stress, medication, relationship the list goes on.

Sometimes the best place for you to pour focus, if you are the higher libido person, is you.

I'm re-reading a book by David Schnarch called Passionate Marriage, not expensive and it has helped me in a number of ways the biggest is my own Emotional Development and Differentiation of my own Self.

I know it's not necessarily what you want to hear when you are gasping for some jiggy jiggy but you might need to continue taking care of yourself and take care of your Self, get some development going for you.

How are things in your wider relationship?

No advice, but in the same boat, DW has zero libido, I have also mentioned toys but no interest in that, dead bedroom for a couple of years now.

I don't think this will work, sorry.

In my experience, low libido is about being overwhelmed with work and household duties, plus feeling fat, frumpy and just generally unsexy and mumsy. Nothing to do with sex toys or lack thereof.

I don't think so, and tbh why would it? I don't want to buy eg specialist equipment to help with my golf swing, because I'm not interested in golf. Buying the equipment wouldn't make me suddenly want to play.

Toys are sexy and fun if you want to have an orgasm or to try different things when having sex. If you have no libido, you don't want to use them.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. The person who comes up with an answer will make a billion pounds. In the meantime, you're just stuck. I don't know what I'll do if I'm ever in that situation; I'm afraid I will probably end it. Having sex is like drinking water to me, absolutely essential. I'm also terrible at keeping secrets so wouldn't be good at an affair.

If there's no desire, simply presenting someone with a sex toy is unlikely to perk it up. Indeed, it's probably more off putting than giving golf clubs to someone who doesn't play golf. It would probably make the recipient feel somewhat objectified and manipulated and feeling like the giver had watched a lot of porn and was being insensitive. Sadly, sometimes people just stop fancying one another.

I'm really sorry to add my agreement to those who have already expressed doubts about this. I do feel for you. I've been there with the same thought in my own relationship in previous years and found it didn't work. I think the sense of pressure or expectation on someone who has a lowish libido when being presented with a toy, however lovingly, helpfully and hopefully, is liable to have the opposite effect.

I think for someone to enjoy toy use they need already to possess a desire for sex rather than for the toy itself to be a tool to unlock libido.

My ex got angry when I bought a toy.

Buy a massage table. Give her a massage that is not so sensual at first but next time a bit more sensual. You don’t have to know how to treat musclues, it just feels nice and I promise you that you will light a litle fire inside her.

It's worth a try surely!

Personally I’d try tantra erotic massage
and very slow intimate massage

loads of stuff on YouTube (organismic meditation )

If she doesn't feel desirable and good about herself, no amount of toys will rekindle her passion.

If the problem in the relationship is a lack of intimacy, you need to learn to be comfortable just touching each other again. Holding hands, cuddling on the sofa, a bath together... all that stuff helps her to feel relaxed without any expectation of sex. Then you have a conversation about tantric massage...

Try Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch and look specifically at Differentiation. bloody game changer for me.

He doesn't focus on what's wrong but how to develop you. Nothing is sexier than a calm, confident, open and brave individual who is not looking for reflective soothing.

Not saying it's for everyone and I'm only just beginning on my journey of self development but I love it (and the effect it has on those around me especially my DW is pretty good too).

www.amazon.co.uk/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3760KXI00ZBE7&keywords=passionate+marriage+by+david+schnarch&qid=1674474323&sprefix=david+schnarc%2Caps%2C364&sr=8-1

Good luck

I think for a woman to go off sex she might be tired of feeling like she’s not seen and not heard by you, and she just can’t summon up the energy needed go into all of that in order to resolve it and then try to feel sexy again. Rather than buy toys, you could try doing/fixing all the small things or big things that annoy or overwhelm her in the house. Basically think back over everything she’s complained about more than once in the past, and sort them all out. Or just quietly do a job that she normally does that she’s sick of. She might magically come back to life. That might not be your issue but it’s a common one.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful, insightful and really productive points of view so far. Everything mentioned I've been thinking about. It's all valid.

Cards on the table - I tried dropping posts in the 'relationships' section and not had anything back. So I wanted to try a different crowd. And you have not disappointed. So thank you. Whilst my question was real, it is one of many swimming around my head because naturally, it would be rather naive of me to think about toys being a solution in themselves.

We used to have a passionate, very much alive bedroom. But it could be fiery too with impossible arguments in our younger years. Time and stresses, pressure of becoming parents and finding out (eventually) our child was ASD have taken toll on us. I've found myself in dark places mentally but I believe, well I hope we can survive and get back to a loving caring relationship.

Rieslinger thank you I am reading that book now. I have also found a lot of help from listening to Dr Psyche Mom podcasts, she is a marriage therapist and I've found her advice 1000% more useful than the 1:1 therapist I started talking to. If anyone can recommend a therapist please holler.

Would love to keep hearing your views and thoughts and thanks again.

Just to wish you the very best. We also have a child, now a young adult but still living with us at home, with ASD which can be very, very tough as we share our anxieties about him.

Reading between the lines I sense that you are in the same bedroom territory that I have been in although things have improved greatly in recent years lt really can happen! I sincerely hope it does for you.

I'm also reading Passionate Marriage with great interest - thank-you @Rieslinger for your recommendation!

Oh love. Parenting takes it’s toll on a lot of relationships but add in the pressures of advocating for your child to access assessments, statementing, even acceptance from family and friends and it is crazy hard! I am truly sorry to read that your mental health has suffered, and I empathise.

You’re taking a holistic approach to the difficulties in your relationship, understanding it’s not just lost libido but reaction to stress, and seeking out further information from various sources. You’re demonstrating your commitment to your partner and desire to move past the bad times. All positive actions, I wish you both the best.

You said that the toys issue was only one question, are there any others you want to get feedback on?

This Esther Perel talk might be worth a watch... "The secret to desire in a long term relationship "

I've found Esther Perel really helpful too. Can I also warmly recommend you read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. I found that really, really excellent in helping me to understand what DW was thinking and feeling a whole lot more. A real eye-opener actually and very helpful towards getting us back on track sexually.

Things can help..whilst my libido is good, sometimes when I'm not in the mood he has given me a massage and as soon as he goes near my boobs or top of thighs I start getting that warm feeling and his fingers are usually very welcome when they stray. However, it isn't a long term solution