@Lacey1990 and @Olliee1983 I've name changed for this as I contribute every now and then on this topic but really want to do that from how things are now, in a much better and far more positive place, 26 years later in a marriage in which my wife and I have vastly differing levels of libido, with mine on the high and very enthusiastic end and hers much, much lower. In every other way we are well matched.
I originally wrote a much longer post detailing some of the experiences of personal agony of this but I'm sure people aren't going to want to read my life history and, having read other recent posts on this, it seems there are many, many people who understand this situation very well. It was a very cathartic exercise though.
It wasn't that we never had sex but for the majority of the time - there were occasional wonderful exceptions - it just wasn't very enthusiastic on my wife's part. As though she wasn't really bothered and would quite happily live without it. I was always the one to come up with ideas, buy toys, suggest different things etc. She had no desire at all for any of that or even to talk about sex in any way. Basically I didn't feel fancied or desired by her in the same way I fancied and desired her.
I quite quickly learned to tone the whole business of sex down and approached it more tentatively, gently and carefully but it didn't make much difference. Often when we did do it I felt as though she was just doing her best to accomodate a sex mad husband ("Can't you go to thr Dr's to get something?" she would joke) or she'd just say "no" and we didn't do it.
At the same time I realised that if we were going to continue to have any kind of physical relationship that it was solely down to me to work out a way that was going to happen.
Suffice to say I know the sadness, despair and loneliness of this situation with the danger of resentment and hurt beginning potentially to destroy a relationship. The feeling that you are the only one in the relationship to recognise that this is an issue. The confusing sense that something which should have been fantastic is turning out to be such a hard slog and the sheer emotional dog tiredness it causes. The self-doubt and the "is it me?" questions tearing you apart inside. Trying everything and anything year on year to make the situation better but never coming up with any resolution. For a long time I felt diminished as a person and my self-confidence was on the floor.
I did consider leaving. I didn't for two main reasons. Firstly I love my wife from the bottom of my heart and I know for sure that she loves me. And secondly because of the devastating effect I feared it would have on our wonderful kids. And (I now realise) that my wife's much lower interest in sex was not about me - as I'd assumed and feared for years - but simply because that's who she is. And I love her for who she is. So, approaching 26 years later we're still together and actually very happy.
And the sex thing, well I've got no real explanation but the past 4-5 years have been much better. Maybe I'm more chilled out about it in a strange, emotionally wrung-out sort of a way. The fact that I realise and accept that our sex lives will never be what I hoped and expected all those years ago has maybe communicated itself to my wife and perhaps taken the pressure off her to respond in the way she thinks I would like, but can't, and "the sex issue" - the way she probably felt I was fixated on sex - has gone away. Without realising or planning it we've somehow met in the middle.
She is much more relaxed and open to sex and invariably is up for it, although I always, always have to do the initiating. It probably wouldn't happen otherwise. We can make love (and that's really what it feels like) several times a week and it's always good, happy, mutually enjoyable and relaxed sometimes quite varied and adventurous lovemaking.
That's my experience. I stayed. I can quite understand people coming to make different, momentous decisions. It's been awfully hard at times, but we're certainly in a good place now.