Sex expectations and health issues

[namechange826783]

I've name changed for this because it's not the sort of thing I'd usually post but I've been here for many many years.

DH has some health issues, nothing life threatening but he is often in pain and uncomfortable. This means sex is not really an enjoyable activity for him. He's been referred for investigations but this is the NHS so he's been waiting a year so far. Medication can help slightly but figuring out the problem is the only hope for a cure.

When this issue first emerged and we realised it would impact our sex life I told him the ball was squarely in his court. If he was in the mood just let me know but that I wouldn't push, complain or even mention it unless he'd given me the green light. I told him it wasn't that I'm not attracted to him, goodness knows I am, but that with all he has going on the last thing he needs is me being a sex pest.

He has started in the last few months making remarks and comments implying that we would have sex that evening. 9/10 times this ends with him going to bed at night and feeling too crap to be in the mood for anything. Which I understand but I've asked him if he could please stop doing that. I don't like being lead on only to be disappointed. I'd rather he just saw how he was feeling at night and if he still fancied it then grand but if not I've not going any expectations. I am trying really hard not to be disappointed but thus far am failing miserably. He doesn't agree as he feels I shouldn't take it personally and I can see where he's coming from but it's happened a few times now and it is upsetting me.

Have I handled this wrong? Anyone been in a similar position with any words of wisdom?

No you’re definitely not in the wrong. Who wants to be thinking all day they are going to get some (especially if not happening much these days) and then massively disappointed. It’s not like you don’t understand, but he needs to keep it to himself or do it when he’s feeling horny (obviously not if kids around)

I dont think you are in the wrong, you have listened to his needs and not pestered.

How about next time he suggests that you will have sex that night you tell him not to wait and just go for it there and then?

He doesn't get to decide how you do or don't feel though. He needs to listen and respect that in the same way you have respected and not pestered him.

Yeah, we have a young DS so bedtime is really the only option. Again not his fault.

I could have written this but in my case I am the M and my partner (F) is the one with the pain. It’s been going on for nearly 3years and it is a very difficult situation. You have my sympathies and understanding.

Just to clarify that we have the same ‘conversations’ re maybe later maybe later - and then it never comes to anything. It would be preferable if nothing had been said at all until the moment was likely to occur.