How do you vary your longterm sex life?

[HakunaMaToytes]

Sorry if this sounds really obvious.

But DH and I have been together a long time and have mostly missionary or woman on top. It's perfectly nice, not overly exciting.

Just wondered how people in long relationships keep things fresh. We don't have any major kinks, don't think would be up for anything overly risqué! But there must still be some ideas. Would like to hear real life experiences from your average married couple, not necessarily the extreme ends of the spectrum.

This is totally us, I have nothing helpful to add as I'm curious too. I've started to talk a more with DW about sex (at appropriate times), more likes and dislikes, and she's opened up a bit more too. We're a little unbalanced though as my sex drive is high and her's is probably below an average. I've bought her the odd toy over the past year, that has helped. I had suggested 1 night a week of just fun, where the other can request what they'd like (always fairly standard), but as the weeks went on it just because a normal night 😐Would love to know what a couple without kinks can do, although like you we have no issues, it's 'perfectly nice'

This is it. I've seen other threads like this where replies always end up being things like "join a swingers group" or "try S&M" and I'm not convinced that's what either of us want. Like you, my libido is probably lower than my DH's - which I think maybe puts him off experimenting because I do sometimes knock him back. But there's nothing "wrong" with what we do, just sometimes feels a bit predictable and unexciting. Would be lovely to feel a bit more naughty and connected and something to really look forward to. I do wonder if it's social conditioning though that bombard us with messages that just normal sex isn't enough, and otherwise we'd be perfectly happy. I mean you don't see animals joining swingers clubs or investing in whips and chains, do you?

Some of the simple things I have seen recommended are. Have you had sex in every room in your house?
Do you go to bed in the afternoon?
I have had long chats with a friend about this. PM me if you would like to OP.

It's a difficult one OP and something I think everyone struggles with to some extent.

Without going to the extremes, I think communication is step 1, discuss likes and dislikes with each other openly and without judgement, even dropping in questions like 'is there anything you'd ever like to try?' to flush out maybe some of those things you've been a bit shy to mention.

Some suggestions:

• Surprises. Everyone loves surprises, right? Why not take the first step and wear an outfit or some new lingerie or something as a surprise? It sounds like you may have to make the first step but after that he might open up about certain fantasies or similar and may even reciprocate! Don't be afraid to share yours either.. a pilots outfit or sexy butler etc might be something he'd try

• What about sex dice or similar? They're a great way to mix things up a bit without really delving too deep. The ones we have have an action (like, bite, suck etc), a body part (bum, nipple's, neck...) And a time (10-60 seconds) though we don't use that one.

• Maybe if you're in the mood and both feeling a bit frisky, suggest watching something adult (porn)? It's a good way to open up discussion on likes/dislikes and maybe will give ideas on dressing up.

• Toys.. again, no need for anything extreme as I get that it may not be your thing but a vibrator he can use on you, some handcuffs or even a small paddle for some light spanking could be of interest?

It's such a difficult piece of advice to give as every relationship dynamic is different but I think it starts with having a conversation and picking up on hints etc as it can be uncomfortable for some people to discuss sex with their partner. For me it's about communication and then aiming to translate that to the bedroom. I do think the sex dice is a good starting point though!

This is yet another case of my recommending Mojo Upgrade.

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It's a free to use quiz that both partners answer in private and concerns things that they'd either love to try, be willing to try, or are a case of simply 'no way would I do that'. The answers are compared but the beauty is that there is no possibility of embarrassment or recriminations, because things that you'd love to do but your partner finds abhorrent (and vice versa) are hidden. The topics range from mild to wild.

Alternatives are available; just search for mojo upgrade alternatives.

I am sure that you will discover some untrodden sexual paths for you to explore with your partner.

We definitely won't be visiting a swingers club anytime soon 😆As a man I know I would love it if she surprised me on the odd occasion with oral or something at a different time of day when not expecting it, that would make it more interesting for me. I briefly mentioned this once, she kind of laughed and just said this wasn't something which happened in real life or something along those lines 😕I took that as a no. I'd love to have a little non-explicit video of a private moment, something to use in 'my own time'! That would spice it up for me. I've come close to asking on a few occasions but fear the answer. I'd like it if she surprised me some time and picked a toy to use sometime. I surprised her a few months ago with a sleeve to go over my bits, just so she could have a change of sensation after just having me for 20yrs, I thought that would spice it up, a little 'bigger'. I got drunk one Friday night, plucked up the courage, she was shocked! But was up for it, tried it, hated it, chucked it in the bin. But hey, I'm trying to make an effort without suggesting anything wild

I might pluck up the courage to give Mojo upgrade a whirl. My fear would be she thinks our current sex life is shite and she's not doing enough...which isn't the case. Just a little mix up every now and then would be nice

I was going to suggest Mojo upgrade too.
Or a smaller step could be signing up to the LoveHoney position of the week email. On Saturday morning you get an email suggesting a new position to try- some are a bit wild, some are for trying solo but some are just alternatives to the usuals you do. They recommend some toys you can try in conjunction if you try it/like it or want to enhance things.
Agree with pp that it really depends on your relationship dynamic as to how to go about suggesting trying new things- I've though about it and I'm not sure I have any tips for you @yorkshireteabagman but best of luck, it's a topic than can be hard to approach without it being taken the wrong way.

we've been a little more open with each other the past few months, which has helped a bit for sure. I've looked at the list of fantasies on that mojo upgrade and she'd freak out at some of the stuff on there (It asks about being punched and role-play rape?!) if it was totally mellow I'd say sure as there are some of mine on there which I'd like to try but scared to ask! Like I say, no concerns with our moments together

Love this, while we're pretty open about sex in our relationship, it may throw a couple of surprises!

Some great advice on here. OP, I think if you're conservative (small C) mixing it up around the house, a few clothing surprises and using furniture in new ways is probably a good "safe" first step. "Safe" in the sense of being in your comfort zone (privacy of own home) and yet might stimulate a new exploration of likes between you both.
Relax & enjoy 😉

Thanks all. I think different rooms may be a good starting point. Even though that sounds ridiculously basic doesn't it! Quite like the sound of the dice too especially with the times, so not committing to have to do anything for too long. And maybe watching some sexy programmes together.

I'm not really keen on role playing and if I wear nice underwear he just takes it straight off so seems a lot of effort for nothing! I like the IDEA of toys and positions but in reality the ones we've tried have all been awkward and pretty anti climatic. I mean a bog standard vibrator is fine but I see those more as something just for me.

@HakunaMaToytes I really didn’t like the way you described your starting point as ‘ridiculously basic’. Be gentle with yourself! There’s zero point comparing your sex life to anyone else’s, but it is definitely worthwhile listening to other’s advice and incorporating the ideas that you and your partner find pleasing.

We have nights away, not often but it definitely spices things up, DW seems to get far more turned on than when at home, her latest is rubbing around between butt and balls with the occasional finger hovering close , she just wouldn’t do that at home , not sure why

You could try browsing a site like lovehoney together and see what items grab his attention, start on the clothing section and see what he would like you in, they have some nice general bed wear and some more kinky stuff. Then move on to the toys, it could open up ideas for things for you to try. Read the reviews see if any of them get him going and then if you buy something write your own review together

Try a bath together to start a night off with bottle of wine, room lit up by candles. We have duvet downstairs nights with naked not optional, a dice like mentioned could be good here. Get some good lubes/oils for a good sensual massage too.

Have a look on love honey, lots of things you can buy, not all out there, sure you’ll find some things to spice things up.

Totally in the same boat on this one! We've been married over 25 years and in our mid fifties. Did the exciting intimate mutual exploration of each other in the first few years finding out what was nice, what we both liked. Discovered the excitement of sharing fantasies, fun of sex toys, etc.

Kids came along, career responsibilities broadened, exhaustion and sheer lack of time for each other had its inevitable impact. It's the old familiar story.

The toys are gathering dust at the back of a drawer, the shared fantasies have petered out and energies are not what they were in our twenties (speaking personally, DW is still full of beans!)

We still manage to have sex anything between one and four times a week depending on tiredness and opportunity. And it's good sex. But maybe "bog standard", a bit predictable most of the time. Quite a lot of missionary, woman on top, sometimes from behind. Occasional anal sex is probably the "naughtiest" thing we do. Familiar stuff probably to a lot of middle-aged couples.

We know each other so well. We're both in pretty good shape physically and keep very fit and we still actually fancy the pants off one another, but the sheer familiarity of each other, love each other as we do, etc. etc

I'm reading some great suggestions here, but sex in different rooms just isn't practical when several of our now young adult kids are still living at home. Ditto spending an evening in the bath together, lovely as that would be.

Nights away in hotels definitely a great idea though. Last year we went to a town for our eldest's graduation and arrived mid-afternoon in our hotel room with three hours to kill before we met up for a meal in the evening with our daughter and her boyfriend. An on the spot decision to get naked and jump into bed resulted in the hottest sex session I can remember!! Unfamiliar place, different time of day from usual, spontaneity. It was pretty powerful. It took us both by surprise!

So in some ways yes - things can definitely happen and maybe we do have to make them happen. At same time I wouldn't want to worry too much that "normal run of the mill sex" between a couple who have been together forever isn't a great thing as well, as it definitely is!

Things we do that enhance our sex life are

Naked Sundays- we don't have children in the house every other weekend so this is easy for us to do. We just spend the day naked, have a chilled day, watch movies, have a nice dinner, but both remain naked all day, when the kids aren't around we will often do this in the evenings too, we tend to find that by both being naked it leads to a lot more sex and fooling around when we are just snuggled up on the sofa and it makes us feel so comfortable with each other's bodies and builds intimacy which in turn leads to better sex.

We often build up to a session of 'special sex' where we spend a little while in advance talking about what we want to do/try, we talk about it over text, just while chilling out or during sex. I love this because I love anticipation. It's often nothing particularly wild, a little light bondage, blindfolds, sometimes toys or anal. But talking about it makes me really turned on in advance.

No penetration nights- this is one of my favourites, we have a set night every week where we can kiss and fool around but absolutely no penetration. No PIV or oral penetration, no toys or fingers, but licking and teasing is fine. This makes me feel like a teenager again and means the next day I am really desperate for sex.

I think that the more you can communicate about sex the better it gets.

Working out what your real turn ons are and building around those.

Hope some of that is helpful x

If the issue is being stuck in a penis-in-vagina penetrative sex rut, so to speak, you should get an OMGYes subscription and watch it together. It covers a lot of ground for further exploration, without any kink, just female pleasure.

People complain about the cost but honestly, you get a lot of bang for your buck (we aren't even 1/3 of the way through despite putting aside time to watch weekly) and it doesn't cost any more than a decent sex toy or two.

We are a married couple, together 15 years, one small child, both mid-late 30s and are currently planning a dirty weekend at a hotel with nothing planned except sex, partly following the purchase of OMGYes in the Black Friday sales: omgyes.com

Just had a look at OMGYes and it seems spot on for me but I'm not sure how much DH would engage with it...he doesn't really read articles etc. How much practical/ tutorial stuff is there to put into practise as a couple and take away rather than just instruction videos and articles which I'm not sure he'd pay much attention to? And is it heavily female-focussed?

Given that you only mainly use 2 positions, there are a whole host of others to try. From behind for one, always a good staple for deeper penetration. Or change the angle of missionary by putting a pillow under your bum. Spooning from front or behind. Then there's oral play and touching from different angles - stroked from behind perhaps.

Yes it is heavily, pretty exclusively, female focused. The first 12 chapters focus on external stimulation and the second 12 chapters focus on internal stimulation including penis in vagina sex. Each chapter starts with videos of women talking about their experiences and is followed by a couple of paragraphs explaining the OMGYes science, followed by more videos etc.

It is quite novel, which is why I think it is actually quite easy to engage with tbh.

There are also interactive videos where you can 'touch' a vulva on your phone. Again novelty, but quite fun. My DH is threatening to show his mates down the pub! That is how much he has engaged...

Also - dead simple one this - continuing to bring DW a daily morning cup of tea in bed on a day off. A relaxing hour or two in bed following that with nothing particular to get up for can lead to lovely morning sex of various kinds.... Much more so than last thing at night sleepy sex (or no sex at all) at the end of a busy day.

Follow "hello Jenny Keane" on Instagram. Tomorrow (Monday 16.1.23) she is doing a free live Q& A and questions like this sometimes come up. She also has some paid workshops coming soon that relate to sexual topics. She gets lots of rave reviews for them. She also has a website of her same name.