Husband and I are 33, not had sex in 1 year

[Pregnantthenscrewed]

We have been together for many years and married for 3. We have a 9m old baby. I don’t think we had sex past the 2nd trimester when I was pregnant with her and ever since then we haven’t had sex so its a total of 1 year now.

Initially it was down to exhaustion but now she sleeps well and is an angel baby, our life is peaceful and calm. He says he does not want to initiate sex because I nag him incessantly about cleaning, tidying etc and that it causes arguments and the last thing he wants to do is be intimate because I have got his back up. I admit I am a bit of a control freak but that’s because I like things doing efficiently not next year! But my argument is that sex is sex and that even the most dysfunctional relationships end up having it. So then I get upset that he doesn’t fancy me which he says is untrue. He says sex for him starts with emotional intimacy. I know he doesn’t have physical issues and I know he masterbates too. He also says that me constantly pestering him for it is off putting. We argue about it almost every night which usually ends in him sleeping in the spare room.

I am not prepared to stay in a sexless marriage. Aside from the fact I want more children, sex is important for a couple. We do love and fancy each other, I just don’t know what to do. I have tried backing off like he’s asked but then he usually stays up later than me and I’m fast asleep by 10pm. He won’t go to therapy. I am absolutely lost as to what to do.

Without being rude, no one (man or woman) will want to have sex with a partner who is nagging them about the housework.
does he actually want to father more children, or is this just something you want? As I would suggest you thrash out this key issue before you do anything else.

and stop being a sex pest, try and encourage the same bedtimes but just sleep together and the relationship back on an even keel

Hi Op

I think you will get more replies on the relationship board to be honest and what you describe does sound like relationship issues. You may want to see if it can be moved over there.

I wouldn't want sex with someone who was constantly nagging me either. It sounds like you have different standards within the home and you do say you're a bit of a control freak which I know must be hard but I would try backing off a bit with that. You have a young baby and sometimes I feel the dishes can wait etc... I'd much rather a long cuddle with my partner than being worried about the dishes.

I think if you want things doing 'to your standard' around the house then you need to do it (assuming he is putting in reasonable effort). Also ask any women on here, there's nothing going to turn you off faster than someone who pesters you for sex.

You need to concentrate on doing some nice things together - that's how you're going to get things back on track and get the intimacy back. Stop pestering him for god's sake.

I think people are being quite unfair on you here. I absolutely get why this is bothering you.

Are you actually nagging him though or is this simply a man throwing his toys out the pram because he's expected to pull his weight in the house? You've been together a while, I assume you had the same standards for your home all the years prior to having your DD. I feel like this might just be an excuse.

If you know every night you ask it turns onto an argument then perhaps it's not productive to be bringing it up every night. Call his bluff, don't mention cleaning to him or try to initiate sex for a few weeks and see what happens. I can almost guarantee there'll be no difference because you are not the problem here.

I was in a sexless marriage and it's tough. It completely ruined by confidence so I can only imagine what it's doing to yours after having a baby. Unfortunately it transpired that my exH was cheating. Not saying that's the case here but there's definitely more to it than you 'nagging' him about cleaning.