Feeling Guilty

[DefiningGalaxy]

For ordering a sex toy. I have no idea why it’s so embarrassing for me, but I ordered one online this morning and then I’ve just cancelled it.

How can I normalise the idea in my head?

I’m in a sexless marriage, which makes me feel sad. My H has never had a high sex drive, but it has totally disappeared over the past decade!! We’ve gone from twice a week to weekly to monthly to yearly. I feel broken inside as a result.

Neither of us have health issues, we’re both early 40s with a nice home and lovely children. Both successful senior jobs. His job is a lot more stressful than mine, or maybe I just handle the stress better.

I can’t really describe how damaging his lack of interest is to how I feel about myself. He seems entirely happy with a 5 minute bedtime cuddle and a peck on the lips/cheek when either of us leaves the house 😭

I bought myself a vibrator about 8 years ago and introduced it one of the times we had sex. He got offended and thought we should have discussed buying one before I bought it. We ended up stopping part way through having sex and I then threw it away 🤦🏼‍♀️

This past year my sex drive has been rampant when I’m ovulating. I am distracted by the thought of sex during that time and could almost be swayed into an affair, but I won’t, because I love my children and wouldn't consider shared custody.

I know I’m attractive and I know that sounds vain and not a good thing to say about yourself. I work in a male dominated industry, I wouldn’t have trouble attracting someone else, but I don’t want that. I wish dearly that the person I chose to marry for life desired me. He really couldn’t care less.

Are there any words of comfort or advice please. I have a yearning to feel full and a need for release. So why the hell can’t I bring myself to buy the vibrator?!!

directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/25329861?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email

This podcast and quite a few of the others might shed a little light and hopefully will help.

Wanting to feel desired by the one you love is such a huge and enriching element in a relationship and it not happening (or at least as you would like) to both men and women is not uncommon, you are not alone!!

Some of it I think is based in the script passed on by parents, previous relationships, a number of things tbh.

The most fundamental bit I would work towards is communication. That will form the basis of your understanding of each other, your personal scripts, where it will go and how quickly. Holidays, weekends away etc time where both you and your DH can relax and be open to begin to talk.

In the meantime remember you are a wonderful individual and deserve some you time so go and buy yourself that vibrator...or even more than one!!

Good luck, but batteries or don't lose the charger, get lube too!!

Not an uncommon experience, though personally devastating. Perfectly reasonable, so I'd not feel guilty! Not to be desired by your life partner is emotionally and physically crushing. Good luck.

I think because some of us associate them with guilt and as not normal. I’ve had a vibrator for years. My ex bought it when we were not long going out and we did have some fun with it. Must admit I haven’t really used it since I’ve been single (over a decade) as I’ve had a lot going on health wise for many years and been on the mini pill (so I don’t have to have periods) and anti depressants plus kids always popping into my bedroom to see the dog so I don’t have much privacy! I’ve just met someone else and it’s only been 3 weeks so we haven’t slept together as yet as meetings so far been in public but I’m going round there next week. And let’s say my sex drive has reappeared with a passion! Maybe it’s the thought of sex with someone I fancy (horrible to say but I didn’t fancy sex with my ex most of the time). I am going to bin my old rabbit and replace it as seems weird to use it when I associate it with my ex. But I must admit I’m not 100% comfortable using it on my own. I didn’t even discover masturbation until my early 20’s when I slept with a friend and because I didn’t come he said he’d sort me out. Jeez I nearly died, who knew!

I really don’t know how people manage to stay in sexless marriages. I am an extremely loyal person and have never cheated but I think in this situation I would find a discreet FWB or I would go mad.

I can’t believe you are both in your early 40s and aren’t having sex! That’s so young. Is there any chance your DH is bi and seeing men or something similar? I just find it so hard to believe people lose their entire sexual interest.

Forgive me if I'm making assumptions here, but it sounds like you're holding onto the shame felt when your dh was offended by the original sex toy. You could revisit that incident and try to reframe it. You were trying to do something fun with your partner and he took it as a criticism, probably due to insecurity (making assumptions again). That's not your problem. I understand the need to discuss such things in advance, but to shut it down completely for good is an overreaction. Being sexual and curious to explore that is normal. I'm actually quite angry on your behalf! Think of all the years of pleasure you've not experienced because of this.