Affairs/extra marital 'fun'

[Funberry]

I, like many others who post here, am in a marriage that doesn't feed my sexual appetite.

Like many others too, everything else in our relationship is good. Sure, we have a few arguements here and there about things like anyone else, but I am otherwise happy. We have three kids, we are both lucky to have jobs etc..

We have frequently discussed our sex life, and I do get the line of 'it's not you, it's me'. It is hard to believe this all the time, but I do know she has problems with self esteem and her body and that very much influences our sex life.

When I am at my most frustrated, I have contemplated seeing an escort, or whether to try and meet someone online. I know this isn't a good solution, and I don't think I could personally go through with it.

I know a lot of people on MN see these things in black and white, "if it's not right, leave" etc.. However, relationships are not simple things, and everyone's is different. I am not here to judge, as I don't know what it is like to be you, for example.

Given my situation, I can understand why people may sometimes have an affair, when a marriage seems to be good. For me, I want to feel desired, wanted, attractive. I want that from my wife, not someone else, but if that isn't going to happen, but everything else is good, what is the solution? There is only so mch one can masturbate!

I have talked openly, we do talk, but I understand she can't just change what she feels.

I have had some erotic chats with people online, but never looked to take it too far. It is more a discussion about sexuality and turn ons etc..

I am interested to know how others deal with this, have you had an affair? What was the outcome? What solutions may have worked for you?

Sorry for the long post!

Sex is never a good enough reason to cause someone you are supposed to love such hurt imo. If it is such an issue you need to leave.

This is such a similar story to my own I posted about last evening, albeit I wouldn’t say every area of our marriage is good because my frustrations over my wife’s lack of sexual appetite do impact other areas of our lives. We both have good jobs, 2 great kids and if I could flick a switch and be less turned on by her, I think I would. Your circumstances sound similar however I’ve not heard my wife say “it’s not you, it’s me”. In our conversations, it always feels like it’s my issue to sort out.

In terms of having an affair, I don’t think I could but I also wouldn’t judge someone who was in my position finding sex elsewhere. Like you, I want my wife to desire me. Find me attractive. I don’t think someone else feeling that about me would make me want to have sex with them. I’d love to have that connection with my wife but quite honestly I’m struggling to remember a time when I truly felt it. We’ve been together 16 years, married 11 and I struggle to recall more than a handful of times when she made it absolutely clear she wanted me. Sad really.

does your wife know that you’re thinking of looking elsewhere? have you talked about getting your needs met elsewhere? How long have you been together and has this always been an issue, or has there always been an imbalance whether you’ve admitted it or not? Something which you might consider is her own self confidence and how she feels about herself. For all the compliments in the world, you can’t control what someone thinks about themselves and if there are some self esteem or body issues you might need to address them first before expecting your sex life to improve. It does sound like your wife acknowledges her part in this which is a positive. Next step is to understand if she wants to change that or is happy and contented with her life as it is. Sometimes we hate to ask the questions because we’re afraid of the answer. I think both my wife and I are in this situation. I wish you both all the best, it’s certainly not easy to navigate through something like this.

Affairs can be complicated. You need to ensure feelings don’t get thrown in the mix and you need to be able to separate the affair from everyday life and the guilt that comes with it. Have you discussed opening up your marriage with your wife? How old are you both?

Thanks for your opinions all. I think I have misled slightly, I have said I have been tempted but couldn't go through with it. I don't think I could deal with the guilt, and I have no doubt I will regret it. It is simply that the frustration of that desire being unreturned is huge and can get very frustrating.

I don't want to create hurt, which ultimately rules it out.

I guess therefore, what my post is simply saying is that it is a hard situation to deal with, I don't know how to rectify it without causing hurt, which I don't want to. I wondered what others had done in similar situations.

I have discussed opening up the marriage, but she isn't keen. We are both in our early 40's, sex used to be great, and we have been together since 2005, married 15 years.

I am also aware that with escorts, they are desiring your money, not you. It would thereofe not meet the need I am missing.

I think as you’ve said yourself there is no straightforward answer, if everything else is good in your marriage, do you think it’s something you can accept and come to terms with? If not, you are still young enough to end the marriage and move on but it doesn’t seem like this is something you want to consider but this may only be the most logical answer.

This is the difficult thing is this, I would like more sex with her. Not someone else. I still fancy her, she still makes me tingle in all the right ways, but we simply don't feel urges in the same way. I want her to want me, like I want her. That is what is sad. I have even tried to think of ways I could lower my libido, as it would make it much easier to deal with.

I’ve had this very same conversation with my wife. I don’t want sex with anyone else, I just want sex with her when they are feelings involved. Like you, I don’t know how to rectify the situation. I’ve considered going to the doctors to seek help to lower my libido too…… does anyone know if they’d help?

But if she doesn’t want more sex then the only answer is acceptance, women can’t be coerced into having more sex they don’t want because there’s a difference in sex drives. There really is no easy solution.

It’s never only sex. I truly believe that. I left a marriage to a good man. People were shocked as we were ‘perfect’. But we weren’t, because we were housemates, and not lovers.

If it hasn’t always been like this and you both want to stay together I’d try couple therapy. If my ex and I had done it sooner we might have stayed together, but we did it once the gap was too big.

This is actually heartbreaking. I hope you can reach a solution without attempting to lower your libido. Best wishes xx

Things that negatively impact sex drive in women I know include childbirth/ breastfeeding, feeling "touched out" by caring for small children, antidepressants, birth control pills, being saddled with all the emotional labour, domestic work and unpaid care in the relationship.

That's called life.

These impact most people, it's how you deal with them and how you manage them is the difference.

I’m the one with the low libido in my relationship, medical issues being the cause, sometimes it can be off the charts. DP has very high sex drive and is literally in the mood all the time, I feel bad I can’t sometimes, but it doesn’t help when he asks every night if I’m in the mood, we’ve had a few arguments, because I feel pressured and then annoyed which then lowers it even more. It’s not like I’m not sexually attracted to him, because I am. I’ve said several times, that if it’s not enough, then he should find someone who will shag him 24/7 but then he gets upset for me saying it. He’s hanging on... I’m not for how much longer though.

@Logicalreasoning your situation is doubly complicated, as you are sexually attracted to your DP but not able to act on that due to your health. He clearly needs more than someone to have sex with though, which is why he becomes upset when you suggest he looks elsewhere. I think that is a very positive sign!!

In your situation I would be having a very frank conversation, let him know he is very much desired, however the pressure for sex when you are not physically able makes you feel dreadful and this further impacts your libido.

I get the impression that you want to make your sex life better for both of you, but please feel free to ignore my work arounds!! Would it be possible to try to explore the situation within the confines of your abilities, if penetrative sex is off the menu would you both find it acceptable for him to masturbate in bed beside you, could you take over at the critical moment?!

Sharing fantasies, reading erotic novels together, loving massages all build intimacy.

It’s surprising that you still desire her so much when she is rejecting you so often. Desire usually wanes when someone shows you no affection.

OP, I am in a similar situation www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4709088-how-to-cope-with-an-almost-sexless-marriage-can-counselling-really-help?page=1 but my issue is she refuses to talk about it.

You said you talked about it, but how much?

Have you got to the bottom of why she doesn't fancy you as much as you fancy her? To what extent could it be something you do / don't do? Or something unrelated to you (work stress?)?

Have you considered some kind of couples therapy? You mention she has self-esteem issues, that's an important angle to consider.

Have you ever tried doing something to reinforce her self esteem but without making her feel the pressure for sex? Eg compliment her / hug her / talk to her in certain moments where it's clear there can be no expectations of sex (before taking the kids to school, before going to work, etc).

@LosingIt2022
I have just read your thread, you got a lot of abuse ( you a man, so that’s to be expected), and not much advice.
if your wife really refuses to talk about it, divorce her, she has got everything she wants from you, marriage, security, kids, and your needs are now bottom of the pile, get a no fault divorce, amicable co-parent your kids and never get married again.

Maybe have that real cards on the table conversation with her and ask if she had to choose would she work on her own libido, want you to go to a professional, have an affair or end it? Not as an ultimatum but to try and explore both your feelings.

I have a friend who's in something of a similar situation and if she had to, would prefer that her partner went to a professional. I would be absolutely horrified by that idea and would prefer my partner had someone else, if eg my health prevented sex. I have to say that I don't think my partner would do that, and I'm quite aware that if it were me who was faced with a sexless relationship, I'd want to get sex elsewhere. It's a worry as we clearly have a morals mismatch.

I'm aware that MN considers even a kiss with someone else to be the absolute end of a relationship but I definitely don't. I do have a polyamorous element to me but I think it's playing with fire to try and make a monogamous relationship poly.

I had sex with another man whilst with my ex-partner because I was sexually unsatisfied (no excuse, off course), we clicked in many other ways but not sexually. It took a chance encounter with another man to realise that the relationship wasn’t what I wanted anymore, so eventually I ended things.

It’s really difficult. I’m in the same situation, I think there are a lot of us out there who just want the sexual bit of our relationships back. My wife and I aren’t very well matched and I can feel the frustration leaking into other areas of our life. You do start to resent them abit over time which is also sad. No advice but do understand where you’re coming from

I'm not sure who is female and who is male here
I'm a female as you may be able to tell by my name.
I've found men, every man I've met for sex/friedship to be sex mad
My DH is sex made and at times ticks me off.
He is also a cuk and if it was up to him, we'd be at it every day.
DH also loves porn, I dont and may watch with him once month a Cuk video and then we have our fun but her prefers Cuk fun
We are ok and he would never push me as I'm a lot old and I'm around 60 and a good time could mean resting my body for at least a couple/3 weeks or so if I was to enjoy again, so he understands.

Cheating is never the answer.
Many turn up their noses at swingers/Cuks etc but try it. Your OH may just enjoy the cuddle/touch and poss more and you may want to go all the way and set out that way
We dont waste time with socials/drinks/bs talk etc

Even though we went into it years and years ago, I never have initiated another meet its always DH.

There are ways of winning people over as hubby did and though at times II still feel odd about it once we meet up etc, its great. The only bit of cheating I do is not to tell him how much I enjoyed it, lol.

Me, it would put me off for life if I saw DH with another woman and the neaest we've come to that is once when we met a couple and we were in different rooms, that was not for me.

As hubbys a Cuk, I get to get guys I could only dream of at 60-ish and NSA. Hubby never meets, arranges a meet with the same guy twice bar a couple yonks ago as he feels things could develop into an affair and I agree with him

Read up, ask around but don't cheat and be aware of whom you are dealing with as many on these sex date forums lie and lie.

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist? Because all your issues seem common ones and therefore a therapist may have ways to help you both.