Sexy underwear

[Olliee1983]

First post in what seems like forever but having some marital issues and looking for an outlet for advice. My wife and I are having counselling, our relationship has been distant for many years but we’re both working on getting it back on track. One of my issues has been a lack of intimacy and sex in our lives. I have a very high sex drive and my wife is a self confessed once a month lady which has been the case for much of the last 5 years and every now and again it flares up and causes arguments. One of those days was today when a parcel turned up from a well know underwear shop which was one of my wife’s Christmas presents. She automatically assumed it was underwear and said no woman ever wants to receive sexy underwear at Christmas or birthdays. All of her work friends apparently say the same, it’s an absolute no no. My parcel was actually PJ’s, admittedly not a long night gown with high collar but still most definitely PJ’s. I just feel a little bit miffed why wanting to buy my wife something sexy should be so wrong. I find her beautiful and I tell her all the time how sexy she is and how much I am attracted to her but I rarely feel anything close in return and it’s so difficult to deal with when all I want is to be with her. Sorry, ridiculously long post.

What are the rest of your lives like? Average week?

Because if she's not feeling sexy or confident, you buying lingerie will just make her feel pressured. It's like a massive unsubtle hint... "I'd like you to dress up sexy for me, to satisfy my desires" That's why so many women don't like their husbands buying lingerie.

You'd do better to address the cause of her low libido. How is the relationship generally? Are you intimate in other ways? Kissing? Handholding? Cuddles?

I wouldn’t say it was hectic, we have 2 kids aged 10 and 5. I work 5 days, my wife 3. I do most of the housework and cooking, even if my wife has been off. The kids don’t give her any space though and I’m sure she feels smothered a bit but she would never say that. She says when I’m really affectionate and close with her I’m smothering her. Neither child will sleep without one of us being there until they’re asleep and that means we have zero time alone to watch a film or cuddle on the sofa. If the kids are around us they rarely let us snuggle each other. This has caused me to feel a spare part and before we started counselling i withdrew a bit from being a close and attentive dad. It made me angry at times, I almost resented my kids having all this time with her and me getting the cold shoulder. We’re now trying harder but it feels like I’m making most of the effort and if I suggest that is the case it’s another flash point for disagreement. Tonight is another great example, she’s still with my eldest waiting for her to fall asleep and she’s 10. We’ve tried sharing it around but my theory is what we need to try doing is say it’s time you went to bed on your own at the appropriate time. Is it any wonder we’re having problems!

I would love to address the cause of her low libido but she won’t address it. I certainly see how me buying her something sexy if she’s doesn’t feel it herself won’t help, I have never ever intimated that I don’t find her sexy. I have always found her so attractive but I appreciate I can’t control what she thinks of herself, much as I’d like to! My wife thinks the way to address how mismatched sex drives was to allow me an open relationship so I got what I needed. I was mortified. Really hurt by that as it made me feel so unloved, unattractive. I’ve said many times the only sex I want is with her, when there are feelings and a connection. I’m coming to the conclusion that no amount of counselling or me absolutely breaking my back in every other area of improvement I can make will ever lead us to having what I see as balance in our marriage. I’d love sex everyday with her but appreciate she isn’t built like that but her compromise is for me to seek sex outside of the marriage. I feel so unloved, even though she says she loves me dearly. I’d love to feel like she desired me the way I desire her but it might never happen. It’s cutting me up inside and I cry about it most days. We know we should speak more openly about feelings but she just shuts down outside counselling and it’s always me pushing her to open up as the counsellor suggests. It makes me feel crap to be honest.

I’d say that a big part of the problem is the children’s reliance on your wife. She’s always in mum mode, if the kids can’t sleep without her there then this definitely eats into your evening and it’s hard to them feel sexy when you’re waiting for a kid to wake up. Is there any chance of some time away? That might help both things, some time alone together but also the kids might realise they can get to sleep without mum. They won’t be young forever either, my daughter was the same for not going to sleep unless in my bed etc, she’s nearly 15 now and definitely sleeps in her own bed.

Have an honest conversation with your wife but without her feeling that it’s pressure for sex. Women who don’t want sex don’t want to receive sexy underwear. I guess it’s because she thinks that stepping into a gorgeous lingerie set isn’t going to change things. Your sex drives don’t match and not sure how you change that

Definitely the situation with the kids doesn’t help at the present time but I can’t help thinking my wife is also quite glad because obviously without her being in the same bed, sex is a total non starter. We have every opportunity to get away together as my in laws are currently with us (not in the house) as they’re converting the garage into an annex for them to live in now they’re getting older. I’ve asked my wife to come away for the weekend but she says she doesn’t feel ready for that yet, doesn’t feel ready to put herself in a position where sex might be expected. It feels like for her, the counselling was her starting at level 0 Like we had no marriage and I’ve started somewhere different. I feel like I’m trying to build on the good things we already had and she is trying to start it all from scratch again so we need to build back up to intimacy, but she has openly admitted that she doesn’t know if we’d any more often is likely. I am sure there are things we could try to increase her libido but as much as I love my wife and only want to be with her, I want her to want me sexually and not just go through the motions. Prior to us starting counselling when we did have sex, very infrequently, it was always really good. Certainly the best I’ve ever had and she has always said the same. I want to believe that she’s always been truthful about how much she enjoys it when we do have it but it’s difficult to not let the mind wander and think maybe it’s always been a lie. My posts are so long, but it’s like a therapeutic exercise this.

There's a lot going on here.

Your children could be settling asleep themselves by 10 & 5. For their own sake, development and basic well being you both need to focus on getting them into a routine of falling asleep without a parent being present. However long it takes.

Secondly, why are you both in counselling? Counselling isn't a quick fix solution to every marital problem. It certainly won't "change" your wife to suit your needs.

Offering you an open relationship is evidence to me that she is not interested in a healthy intimate relationship with you. Even someone who wants sex "once a month" wouldn't offer this.

Whilst I appreciate that we're only hearing one side of the story and also buying at intimate dressing gown was only going to inflame matter and sounds clumsy by you, I don't think she wants any sort of intimacy with you at all. She has a responsibility to the relationship and irrespective of your "high sex drive" (which sounds a little pushy to me), I don't think she is shouldering her part of this.

Crying isn't going to help. But neither is banging your head against a wall hoping for her to change. She's not going to.

It sounds like it's become this huge thing between you that's causing you both much angst.

I think you're shooting yourself in the foot by trying to reassure her. If you're constantly telling her how attractive she is and how much you want her, I imagine she feels a tremendous amount of pressure, an expectation that sex has to happen whenever there is intimacy. It almost becomes a turn off because she's immediately thinking "Oh great, he's after sex again. How can I get out of it?"

Try telling her you're not going to have sex for a month... it's completely off the table.. but in that time you'd like to reconnect with her. Spend some time alone together without the kids. Relax together. Take her for a spa weekend. Get a couples massage. Hang out in the sauna. Take a bath together. Go for walks holding hands. Kiss her. Cuddle her. Stroke her hair. Be naked in bed together but don't mention sex or try to get her in the mood. You might be surprised how she reacts if she's in a more relaxed state without any expectations of her...

Ok from my POV it sounds like, as you said, she is at 0/1 and your are like 10-100.

If the children sleeping thing is able to be changed then yes do all you can but when it comes to you and your wife you may have to work really hard to reset your expectations, press the Patience button again (and keep it held down) and expect it to be there for a while.

I would suggest you need to sort yourself out and expect that to be the norm for a while. I don't know your wife's emotional batteries are like but it may be that she's flat and just running to catch up and as a result she's got nothing left for her let alone you and her.

How's your money situation? Can you afford to send your wife away for a bit of RnR? Something that's specifically just for her, maybe even go see a really good friend if not hotel/spa type stuff and leave her alone (unless she reaches out to you) and give her time/space to breathe, rinse and repeat may well be necessary....it might help??

Also what do you do for yourself? Run, swim, gym, learn something new, something that you can feel passionately about so when it comes to checking in with your wife she sees that passion as it can (it might take a while as she may well be refilling her emotional reserves up so again patience) be very attractive.

So my thoughts (mine not telling you to do anything as you know your situation along with your DW best) are sort the kids sleep hygiene out, give to your wife without asking for anything, 'ave some good quality you time, learn something new and talk, talk, talk cos without that communication it's like walking through a closed plate glass door.

Good luck mate, remember you love her.

F* now worrying I was OTT, sorry if I was!!!

Not OTT at all. You made some good points about patience, I definitely need to find some. Money situation is okay, I do all the worrying about that (something else that needs some balance adding to it) but we could definitely send her away somewhere for some downtime without me or the kids around. I’m very open about our situation and my feelings with her and other selected people but she hates confrontation and has come to associate talking about her feelings and mine with that. I can understand that as I’ve not always been able to take “feedback” but I’ve definitely got much better. She needs to meet me halfway or at least recognise that shutting down serious conversation has zero benefit in the current situation. I dread the marriage counselling sessions now because I have no idea what I’m about to find out because she seems to bottle it all up and I get both barrels once we’re in the room. As a result, it’s like we’re taking a step backwards every Tuesday and trying to make it up over the rest of the week. I appreciate everyone’s comments on here, there is a lot I can do differently and I’m prepared to do it because I can’t see myself with anyone else I just wish we were more aligned in our thinking.

Embrace the suck mate. It's good that your DP will speak and getting both barrels whilst shitty it does mean there is some outlet for her and it's not just getting fit to explode in who knows which direction.

Whilst embracing the suck may sound flippant it may well be something that will seriously stand you both in good stead longer term. If your DP feels that you can take what she shares without it causing a humdinger in time it could give her assurance to share more outside those sessions and if she hasn't been modelled to growing up that talking is good and healthy and life hasn't helped her overcome it it's brilliant that she is even tho you are getting it right now, if you know what I mean?

Hang on in there, whilst you aren't getting what you'd really like right now, it sounds like the direction is forward so fingers crossed!!

This is sad. My husband loves me in lingerie and so I often buy lingerie for me as a birthday or Christmas present for him. It’s his favorite gift as he loves thinking about how we will be “celebrating” later. Our sex life has always been alive (at least once a week, even when our kids were v small) although of course at times I was exhausted or sleep deprived. We then switched to having sex on Sunday mornings which was a great solution for us because in the evening I knew I could just think about getting some sweet, sweet sleep! As we’ve got older our sex life has ramped up. We now have sex almost every day, I often wake him up to have sex (which he loves). I am just so glad he still finds me so attractive in every way and we have great chemistry.

Yours sounds like a happy, balanced and very loving marriage. One where both parties see the importance in making time for each other, sexually and otherwise I’m sure. On reflection (which I have painfully found myself doing daily), I’m struggling to convince myself that my wife has ever been attracted to me, the way you are attracted to your husband. We were together for 5 years before we got married and then fell pregnant 6 months after we got married. I know having children is was massively important to my wife and as soon as we’d tied the knot she wanted to get pregnant. Obviously life changes when you become parents and I think we both struggled with that initially, I know I did for years. It has been said to us by our therapist (who may or may not be helping) that it feels like we stopped being a couple when kids came along. This reaffirms what I have tried to say to my wife over the years but it has always been challenged. She says I am needy, it feels like I am. I have been told many times that the children are always first, and whilst that’s perfectly fine, surely to ensure the survival of a marriage you need to apply some balance. We have very little and even now, with helpful suggestions from the therapist, I am the one always initiating the activities (strictly non sexual I should add) which seeks to redress the balance. It feels like I am putting in 80% of the effort and yet also criticised by my wife for pressuring her to engage on this more actively. She says she always feels like she’s on egg shells waiting for my next strop about something she’s done or not done. She is probably right but if I could see her making the effort I am, I don’t think I’d be acting like that. I keep resetting my expectations of her and this whole process and still somehow I feel disappointed

Olliee1983. This was me. I tried everything. I never looked at another woman because I didn't want to, I wanted my wife. She wanted a sperm donor which she got, twice. As soon as our second was born it was excuse after excuse. We always had a mismatched sex drive but now it was like non existent. I stood it for 12 years then thought do you know what, I want my kids to be happy but I deserve happiness too. We spoke about splitting up and she was ok if that's what you want. I just wanted her to say no we'll sort it out but no. Four years on and my kids are happy and I'm with someone who is on the same page as me. We are crazy about each other. It's a mutual thing that I never had

@Olliee1983 it is difficult with children because of course their needs come first while they are very small and dependent, but then I want to stay married and the biggest gift I want to give our kids is parents with an intact and happy marriage. I completely understand when women lose their libido at certain times due to exhaustion, illness etc. At the same time I want to be a sexual being, I don’t want to think of myself as a mother and nothing else. I find having sex makes me happier, more relaxed and more integrated as a person because it’s about pleasure and so is a way to put aside all responsibilities for a while.

I have been quite shocked in a number of these threads recently discussing different libido levels that there is a significant number of women that consider it acceptable to never have sex again and expect their husband to be involuntarily celibate with no discussion. I read recently that it’s the person in the relationship with the low libido that sets the terms, and that’s so true. If you love the other person and they don’t want to have sex you obviously can’t force or coerce them.

I know I have been blessed with a husband who is crazy about me and compliments me daily, because now I read about HL women whose LL husbands’s barely show any interest or desire. I would find that soul destroying.

Oops was using a different user name!

Sexy underwear is always first on my Christmas and birthday lists.
Hes great at buying something that turns us both on and I like to surprise him by giving him a flash of it at the most inappropriate times ( like if we have visitors ect ) so he's knows we are in for a good evening 😉

It’s lovely to read things like this. That a woman wants this for herself as well as her partner. That must feel very special to have that sort of relationship. It also confirms that when my wife claims no woman has ever wanted “sexy” underwear as it’s a gift for the man and not the woman, it’s simply the people she speaks to about this and they claim this to be the only possible response. I’m not obviously going to tell her this, what would be the point!

For a number of months now I’ve wrestled with the idea that maybe my wife has never been into me the way I’ve been into her. Sure we’ve had times of amazing sex and intimacy but it was never as often as I’d have liked and since we had kids it’s fizzled out to once a month if I’m lucky when I now presume she gives in to my advances and allows us to have sex. She did imply during counselling she did this for a quiet life. Can’t tell you how good that felt to hear….. She always seemed to enjoy it (I say seemed to enjoy it as I’m doubting it all now) and she cums multiple times through a variety of ways, but afterwards she’s cold towards me. She doesn’t often want to cuddle and if I mention what we’ve done later that day or send her a cheeky text saying how much I loved it she responds in a very cold way. This isn’t recently though as since we started counselling we’ve not had sex. I think she’s expecting someone to give her permission or something as it seems the furthest thing from her mind and if I do suggest we might have some “alone time” she shuts it down quickly. It makes me question if anything is changing or she’s going through the motions to stay married. She says she loves me and I believe she does but she doesn’t fancy me, she doesn’t desire me and I’m not sure she ever has or ever will. I’ve got into saying (to myself of course) that I deserve better than this. To give so much to someone and not see it reciprocated is soul destroying. I don’t know how much more I can take to be honest

I've read through your replies and in one you r wrote she doesn't feel ready to go away together because sex would be expected. Did she actually say that to you ?

I'm a mum who has an autistic child who struggles to sleep on her own. My thoughts from reading your post and replies for what they are worth is that I think your wife probably feel's because you say you feel the children should not be reliant anymore at bedtime that you do not understand why the children feel the way they do so she holds that responsibility all on her own which can be a lot. I get that impression from your comment about general life as a mum aswell.

Parenting is hard especially if the children have difficulties with things. Have you ever looked into help with the childrens sleeping? If not then I would to get an understanding why they find it difficult and to try and get help with it. There are charities in most areas to help this your gp or school should be able to direct you to them.

You're sexualy incompatible. Which you knew already. What you also probably know is that it's not going to change unless your wife wants it to.

It sounds like, from your side of the story, that she doesn't.

You have two choices;

1. Put up with it, and let possibly resent her.
2. Move on and find someone compatible.

@Olliee1983 I stumbled across this and it reminded me of your post... Esther Perel is amazing at explaining female sexuality and desire so I'd recommend you look for her other videos and podcasts too...

"What turns her on is to BE the turn on... before you ask a woman if she would make love to a man, ask if she'd make love to herself..."