What To Do When Male Partner is Impotent /Cant Get it Up ?

[cakes1]

This problem is driving me insane, l have been seeing this guy for 9 years now , 10 years net year. From the day we meet it was instant sexual chemistry attraction between us. Both attractive, fit etc But , he failed to tell me from the offset that he was impotent. ln 9 years to date, he's only managed an erection for 3 mins and that's it.

Okay.. l thought to myself oh maybe it nerves, new partner, it will improve etc . So we do everything else. Foreplay, heavy petting, kissing, etc without being graphic here . as l like to be respectful. To me , he is the cutest thing .and he has all l desire in a man. l am very much in love with this guy also which makes this very sensitive subject complicating. But my hard luck here with him is that he is unable to make love to me ..his dick doesn't work.

Coz these days its hard to find comparable men like him to fall in love with etc

l really like this guy and vice versa ..it works both works ..our spark and connection for each other is 10 ..every time we meet up and ongoing through out 9 years to date. But he told me that his biggest fear ..is rejection and me rejecting him so as not to hurt his feelings l have respected that and noted his comments . But he goes all out to try and make out with me when we meet up without any luck but frustration for him and me.

I told him ..l never hurt his feelings he will be terribly crushed and depressed if l break up with him, which l will never do.

But 2 weeks ago, l mentioned to him in a casual manner "why don't we get some blue pills Viagra" in the middle of another hot session when l try to put condom on his "joystick" it flopped. l was shocked by his reply .."which was .."oh. that sounds like very hard work" omg /l was shocked.. here's a guy trying so hard to make out with me " no joy here at all.

l don't want to upset him and we break up" /l know life is not perfect and we all have to embrace our imperfections and make the best of any given situation. l think he was embarrassed and shocked that after 9 years together bring this subject matter up like this.. ..which l know he has been expecting from me to address the "elephant in the room" with him over the years we been seeing each other to date, which happened 2 weeks ago.

His rational thinking /l sense from him is that , he can do better without a condom , having unprotected sex? this is not a gig l sign up to, with him or any other man on the planet //having risky sex is not on the cards for me , nor with him for both our health and protection . l discussed this with him in great detail and in writing for clarity on both sides here.

My worry here is with the blue pill it does have side effects and its unsafe somewhat .. for soe men ?. my fear is forcing him to take the blue pill and he falls ill or something else happens to him and he blames me .. l don't want to go there at all.

lt is not my place to play the role of GOD here .. l am just speaking out loud here . for alternative options ..l like to hear from you if you are in a similar situation or have any other advice for me .i.e. are there any lotions l can rub on his joystick to make it erect or pro long the erection, l know he be ok with this he wont go to see his GP ever, and l know for a fact some men are born impotent ..not their fact when they are in this life long condition. etc ..What's a girl to do ? hey ho..this is a very sensitive subject matter .

Like millions of women .. l am clueless about this subject matter. Just coz someone's got a defect doesn't mean they are useless. l know men who make scarifies for women as well its not one sided here. We have to learn to respect and embrace each others imperfection, no one is perfect at all. Tx for sharing x

@cakes1 nine or ten years without decent sex is a very long time, and I speak from experience, except it was my XW that didn't want / wasn't interested in sex.

Obviously, it is a major issue for you, and I can completely understand why.

You don't say how old your man is, but ED is very common in men over 50, less so in younger men.

He really (really really) needs to go to his GP and get some help. It could be something physical, but it might just be psychological. Do you know if he was always impotent?

I don't think there are any creams / potions or lotions that will help - a good erection needs blood flow to the penis, and if that ain't happening, then it's not happening...

Viagra is available over the counter (maybe YOU should buy some and just present him with them... ), or by prescription from his GP, which is much cheaper. It should be taken about an hour before sexual activity.

Alternatively, Cialis is available as a private prescription from someone like Lloyds pharmacy - you take one a day, every day - a bit easier than Viagra, and allows for more spontaneity.

However, I'd sit him down, and talk to him. Tell him how much you love him, love being with him, etc, but explain that you desperately want him to make love to you (you may want to use other words...)

Tell him you love everything you do together, but you are missing that final piece. Suggest that he ( really really) needs to see his GP, or discuss with him if there is anything else that's stopping / affecting him / his performance.

If he won't do anything about it, (ask yourself WHY he won’t...) you'll have to make a decision if the lack of sex is enough for you to end the relationship.

Good luck!

AG .... Thank you for your reply to my ad post . your comments are on point... l hear you loud and clear ...phew ! hard call and yes l am aware he knows what he has to do .. like many typical men / they have a phobia of addressing their health, medical problems and are in complete denial .which is what l am dealing with here. Women are much better at addressing and dealing with health medical conditions than men. So it sounds like its a situation that has no way of improving here until he faces up to his medical life long condition / he has
to help himself and l don't see that changing any time soon. lt will be 10 years
next year that we have been seeing each other. Ayaya ! this is sad new for both of us and for me ...No lotion Trust me if l wasn't in love with him and vice versa l would have left first year l met him . l am so jinxed. l kapeesh 100% .. Thank you.

@cakes1 We're not great at seeking help, that's true..

If he wants to do something about it, it's down to him. I'd say you need to put some pressure on him to get his finger out, so that he can put his... Oh, hang on, this is a family show...

Seriously though, if sex is important to you, and I'm sure it is, (10 years is FAR too long to not have sex!) then either you get him to a GP, or you move on...

or you look for other solutions outside the relationship, but I can't recommend that...

^^ 100% this, BUT, think about what you do if the pills don’t work at 1st,
he definitely needs to see a GP , 3 minutes of erection in 10 years something clearly not working..

My worry here is with the blue pill it does have side effects and its unsafe somewhat .. for soe men ?. my fear is forcing him to take the blue pill and he falls ill or something else happens to him and he blames me

yeah It does some side effects, but the same drug is given to people with heart conditions ( was developed as an angina treatment), so it won’t really hurt, but drag him into Boots and talk to the pharmacist about Viagra connect & the side effects ( maybe buy some), but think about what happens if it doesn’t work at 1st , as is doesn’t work for all men

l posted my thread , above thread first thing when l woke up very early this morning ,very 😴sleep indeed .But this subject matter was on my mind.. l decided to post my thread get some sound advice from the community here and experts. l need to edit my spelling errors. l dont touch type l nor am l a typist either. Question. how do l do this any one.. where is the edit button .. l only log on here average 2 to 5 times a year and that is it.. l am proactive on this site as l like to really .. Any one who can help me how to do this? Thank you so much x

Unfortunately there is no edit button.

would you both not be prepared to have some STD tests so you can ditch the condoms? Not sure if that would make any difference or not, but might be contributing. He really does need to go to the GP as it’s unfair expecting you to put up with nearly a decade of this when there’s a potential answer. Or as other posters have said, just buy over the counter. Better to go to a GP but at least get a home blood pressure monitor if buying online etc.

Is he able to get an erection and ejaculate if you give him a hand job or blowjob? Or is he basically dead to someone else’s touch?

How is his cardiovascular health?

Viagra will give him an erection (and a red
face!) but won’t actually put any power in his thrusts, it won’t give him sexual desire.

Is there mental illness in his family, in particular did his mother have severe issues? It sounds like there is a psychological reason why he is holding back from being sexually intimate with a female.

Viagra will give him an erection (and a red
face!) but won’t actually put any power in his thrusts, it won’t give him sexual desire.

This is not really true, Viagra won’t do anything without desire, if he has no desire or arousal there will be no erection, Viagra ( and the other meds), work on the mechanics of getting an erection, but the man has to want one.

dear lord ....side effects with Viagra .. yikes... he wont agree to take the blue pill.. l saw his reaction when l mentioned this to him and his reply was.. " oh no.. that sounds like too much hard work " omg .. l couldn't believe what l was hearing .. any one else would be so blessed .. l have stuck by this guy and this is what l get ..seriously dude... this aint my problem at all ...and l am not putting myself at risk by having unprotected sex with him . l don't know where his joystick has been ..far worst l wont give him unprotected sex blow jobs.... very high risk activity .. its on me if l end up catching any thing from him . just remember oral sex is a high risk sexual activity and the fear of catching incurable nasty STDs far worse HIV once these sexual transmitted diseases once they enters the blood stream there is no turning back ever at all ..it can be removed from the body .. blood stream ever at all . this is not a gig l want to sign up nor sign up to with him or any one else. I guard the safety of my health, sexual antics and general well being with great caution.. Afterall we are only on earth planet once and not twice. l love myself far too much to be sexually careless to think about having unprotected se - it will never happen under my watch ever in my life time against the back drop that he has a sexual defect He is impotent and just in complete denial about this when l made my first attempt at discussing this subject matter with him two weeks ago. l don't want to cause him emotional distress which may impact our relationship .He cant deal with his health condition at all and he has discussed with me and the fear of rejection..
l want to respect his feelings and not destroy him emotionally. l think he was born impotent and that there may also be other line emotional issues that also play a part in his life that he has never been able to address or discuss with anyone ever. l am not expert at all Coz of his situation he is an introvert and he is very careful about the way he communicates he does say much at all .lt is very difficult for me to read his mind , some times its like speaking to a brick wall he becomes evasive and elusive in his style of communication with me .l do feel sorry for him somewhat .. l have been dating him for almost a decade l kinda of know the way his mindset works . Thanks for sharing x

Thank you for you kind words. He cant get an erection at all. when l try to put a condom on his joystick that is impossible ....without an erection a condom cant fit at all .. So we ve never gone past this initial stage ever at all. He then gets so nervous the entire scene is a disaster ..very frustrating for him-7both of us. l just dont understand what his problem is at all ?

Well if you both did STI tests then it's not really risky without a condom from that aspect, is?

I can't imagine being with someone nearly a decade and not trusting them enough to have unprotected sex. Especially if he can't get an erection, surely then he is unlikely to be sleeping with anyone else. I had an ex who just stood no chance of maintaining an erection and maintaining it with a condom on.

Hi op, I couldn't read and run. I'm a little bit confused. You say you've been together nearly a decade... have you not both done STI tests?! I thought it was pretty standard in the early days?
Also, you say you're trying to put a condom on his penis when soft... this is not what you are meant to do and I'm not surprised it isn't working! Condoms are designed to fit on an erect penis. I tend to do foreplay, oral (if doing oral that time) then condom goes on for PIV sex. Have you tried this? Or will you literally not touch his penis without a condom?

Do a compromise. You take the pill. He takes viagra.

You do seem very highly strung by the possibility of STIs. I'm sure after 10 years you would have realised if either of you had one. But to be on the safe side. Have an STI test.

I would imagine that after 10 years and you still think blow jobs are highly risky things (they tend not to be) then hes probably nervous by your high anxiety around the possibly of STIs. I think you should do some reading up.

I can not entertain the idea of having unprotected oral sex or sexual intercourse with any man that l date... l am not a married woman. l am a singlet by choice-suits me fine for now, l have dental tooth fillers, as l suffer from sore gums condition , which means l am prone to ongoing sore gums, bleeding gums and sensitive teeth condition on and off etc. l take various meds for this. So, l am at high risk of catching any sexual diseases transmitted virus from engaging in having unprotected oral sex and coming into contact with male semen body fluid. I am a realist, . who knows where he has been past etc and what he gets up to when he is not with me. we don't live together 24 X 7. I don't trust him nor any man at all. l have conducted my own personal research and l am clued up on sex, sexual diseases, STDs, HIV , AIDS etc to educate myself about the pros and cons. l am DDF and l tend to be DDF for a very long time. l am never going to compromise my health against the backdrop of someone else sexual shortfall or sexual defects or sexual imperfections i.e. being impotent and also being extremely selfish, someone who cant be asked to go and see his GP to address his impotency medical condition for himself never mind to benefit me, both of us. So wrong this ? He really cant be bothered its a BIG ASK from what l have seen from his reaction. He knows he has a problem with his dick that doesn't work. HE is deluded and l am a realist...only time will tell what happens moving forward but trust me l am on the case as we speak etc. My first stop is creating this thread right here initially and progress from there offline etc ."OUR HEALTH IS OUR WEALTH and ASSET." remember this everyone. Thanks for sharing.

Hi Op I have no experience of the issues that you have described. It must be very frustrating to say the least especially as you have been with your partner for 10 years.Is it possible to seek help from any medical professionals? Or anyone else that has can help.

Good luck Op

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Get him to.use his tongue and his fingers. You can still get pleasure and it takes the pressure off his penis.

Thank you for you sound advice.. haha😂 lol 😂 ..way to go then.. 😂 ..phew !

Oral sex actually carries a low risk to catching HIV. You sound quite paranoid about catching sti's after 10 years whith the same person, who, let's face it, doesn't sound like he's been physically capable of being unfaithful - unless you know you have an open relationship.
Let's say if by the tiniest chance you got HIV - you can then expect the same or even better life expectancy as someone without it, not least because your general health would be better monitored than an average person.
For whatever reason, you and he seem to be putting up barriers to suggestions on how to fix it, so are either of you really bothered? Swallowing a pill - it's so much effort that it's not even been tried in10 years!! None of this makes sense tbh 🙃

Erection. I do apologise.

Does he have a firm erection on waking in the morning? If not, he could really do with seeing someone. Ed can be one of the first symptoms of heart disease.