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Not had sex

5 replies

askagainlater · 28/11/2022 23:52

For 12 years. I find it shocking to admit to. I'm in my 50s now. Before,this I suffered many years of domestic abuse, including sexual abuse. The last time was when my son was conceived. Not only have I. It had sex for 12 years, but I can't remember the last time I even had a loving touch, not even a kiss.
I went though a phase where I just wanted ted a hug, but then covid happened. Now I can not imagine what it would feel like.
I feel a sort of deep but accepting sadness about it. I think this is it really, for the rest of my life.

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xpc316e · 29/11/2022 05:23

I am genuinely sorry to read your post. As humans we tend to thrive on acts of physical tenderness and affection; it's in our DNA to enjoy touching and being touched, so I see two aspects to your post.

The first is the lack of sex for twelve years. Sex can be a habit that one falls out of and one can become accustomed to it not being a part of life. Your comments lead me to assume that you are not content with either your sex life in the past, or in the present. The second, and for me the more upsetting, is your loss of physical affection. I am what most people would consider to be elderly in that I am in my late sixties and sex is assuming less importance, but I cannot foresee touch ever not being a vital component of my day to day existence. A tender touch from my partner can mean so much when things are not running too well.

Your lack of sex can be simply resolved by finding a FWB, and there is plenty of advice here on how to go about that. There are hordes of men out there who have the same itch that requires scratching. Finding genuine affection and tenderness is probably going to be far more difficult. Some people here have found a FWB and had the situation morph into one of real affection - it can happen.

I wish you well and hope that you can find what you need in life.

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AverageGuy · 29/11/2022 08:27

@askagainlater - Are you actually in a relationship at the moment?

Is it that your partner is physically there, but has mentally and emotionally checked out, or are you single?

Either way, it’s up to you to do something about your situation.

If you ARE in a relationship, ask yourself why.

Is it because of your son, maybe? Children are much more resilient that you think, and believe me, you may think that he can’t see / feel what’s going on, but he knows.

Can you have a conversation with your partner about the situation and come to a mutual understanding / split?

If you are single, then you need to start getting out there.
I know how hard that is – I didn’t start again until I was well into my 50’s, but it gets easier.

Maybe consider going to something you enjoy – do you have a hobby where there is a local group, for instance – maybe take something new up - I started doing Salsa (in an effort to meet women! Shock), and found I really enjoy it, and the social side of it is great.

As far as dating is concerned, OLD is an absolute minefield, but it is possible to find decent people out there.
When I started, after a 10-year period of almost no sex, I had the wrong attitude / mindset – I just wanted sex – and got nowhere. It may be different for you…

Whilst I completely get the desire for sex, ask yourself if you are the kind of person that can have casual sex – not all of us are.

Beware, because I’d say you are likely to be very vulnerable, and there are thousands of men out there that will take advantage of that fact in a heartbeat…
It can make what is already a bad situation much worse.

If you think you can cope with something like a FWB, if you have a dating app profile, (I found two FWB through normal dating apps) maybe put something on it that suggests your open to the idea.

Whatever your situation and decision, good luck out there!
Long distance virtual hugs

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Blushingm · 29/11/2022 17:32

That makes me so so sad - human touch can help at so many times, and can say things that words can't

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Whatliesbeneath707 · 30/11/2022 10:07

@askagainlater I am sorry that you are in this situation.
I have a male friend (age 52) who is in a similar situation to you, and his initial thoughts were that he felt sad to have missed out on all the physical non sexual & sexual contact during his marriage - it was years, like yourself. He is now in a situation where he feels able to think about meeting people & although slightly daunted by it at his age, he also feels excited & alive. I hope the same happens for you as you deserve to be happy. You also deserve to have your needs met and physical touch/contact are really important.
@xpc316e &@AverageGuy are wise posters. Do you think at some stage you could see yourself trying what they suggest? Considering it could be your first steps. Good luck @askagainlater .

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Rieslinger · 30/11/2022 14:14

I sometimes think we should have an emergency hug button for just these circumstances.
Sounds like you've had a rough time AAL, hope you get what you need.
We're here for moral in the meantime.

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