DH wants threesome and more!!

Whatsup1234 · 2022-11-27T23:35:02+00:00

Question on what would you do. DH really wants to try a threesome with a bi guy and try some things with him too, I have known he is curious about this for many years. He would love a threesome with another female as well. He's also wants to watch me have sex with other men. We've been married for 15 years, have a child aged 8 and have sex about 1-2 times month. He says he wants to true new things and spice it up. I really don't know what to do? I don't think I want to but he has spoken about this many times in the past. I've even half seriously told him to go try it some things on his own but he insists he wants me involved. I don't know weather to try it or not and is this normal??

Coldhouseflowers · 27/11/2022 23:43

This is not going to end well, and where is this going to take place ? Sounds like he’s trying to coerce you into this situation .

Original poster

Whatsup1234 · 27/11/2022 23:47

We haven't gone as far as discussing where when who's. I don't feel pressured in to it, just want to make him happy.

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 28/11/2022 06:52

Can’t you spice things up with toys / trying new things that just involve the two of you. It’s a big ask - you’re clearly not comfortable

Original poster

Whatsup1234 · 28/11/2022 09:02

We've done the toy thing etc and tried some other things. Our sex is very samey. The thing is there is part of me that thinks maybe I'd enjoy it.

OP posts:

4pence · 28/11/2022 09:31

With the right people it can be a lot of fun. Keep talking and come to a consensus of what you both want

GoodWisp · 28/11/2022 11:05

This is high risk when it comes to your individual wellbeing and your relationship as a whole. If it was going to work out it would come from excellent communication, honesty and trust and a bunch of reading of the literature around that lifestyle.

‘Normal’ is a social construct that is meaningless and often harmful to those who aspire to it and oppressive in the societies that sanctify it. Human relationships and sexual identities are on a spectrum and these types of relationships and identities are as legitimate/normal as any other.

You wanting to make him happy isn’t likely to result in it, if just manifested in you being passive, uninvolved or un-interested in his decisions, which may cause harm to both of you and your relationship. This needs proper discussion.

It’s absolutely fine and healthy to put limits on what sexual activity you will or won’t engage in or what you both wish to try out but this takes a lot of communication and a strong resilient relationship. These can also be negotiated and will naturally change over time.

Without prying, so no need to reply, I’d wonder how your sex life /marriage is currently and how happy/content you both feel.
I’d also consider/talk through the following:
Is having sex 1-2 times a month enough for you both, who initiates it? Has it always been like this? How are your sex drives? How confident are you both sexually? How is the sex? Does it satisfy you both? What are each of your fantasies, have you shared them? Have you tried exploring them as a two some? What is it he wants to do with a male partner?

Moving to inviting other people into what was a monogamous marriage feels quite sudden move, is the deep end and again high risk.

DumbleDorey · 28/11/2022 12:44

GoodWisp · 28/11/2022 11:05

This is high risk when it comes to your individual wellbeing and your relationship as a whole. If it was going to work out it would come from excellent communication, honesty and trust and a bunch of reading of the literature around that lifestyle.

‘Normal’ is a social construct that is meaningless and often harmful to those who aspire to it and oppressive in the societies that sanctify it. Human relationships and sexual identities are on a spectrum and these types of relationships and identities are as legitimate/normal as any other.

You wanting to make him happy isn’t likely to result in it, if just manifested in you being passive, uninvolved or un-interested in his decisions, which may cause harm to both of you and your relationship. This needs proper discussion.

It’s absolutely fine and healthy to put limits on what sexual activity you will or won’t engage in or what you both wish to try out but this takes a lot of communication and a strong resilient relationship. These can also be negotiated and will naturally change over time.

Without prying, so no need to reply, I’d wonder how your sex life /marriage is currently and how happy/content you both feel.
I’d also consider/talk through the following:
Is having sex 1-2 times a month enough for you both, who initiates it? Has it always been like this? How are your sex drives? How confident are you both sexually? How is the sex? Does it satisfy you both? What are each of your fantasies, have you shared them? Have you tried exploring them as a two some? What is it he wants to do with a male partner?

Moving to inviting other people into what was a monogamous marriage feels quite sudden move, is the deep end and again high risk.

Great advice and wise words 👍🏻

RabbitSocks · 01/12/2022 22:14

Maybe try going and just watching at a club/night like killing kittens first?

but if you know you don’t want to then say that. Don’t slide into it or feel you have to. That’d spell doom.

PinotPony · 02/12/2022 20:04

GoodWisp · 28/11/2022 11:05

This is high risk when it comes to your individual wellbeing and your relationship as a whole. If it was going to work out it would come from excellent communication, honesty and trust and a bunch of reading of the literature around that lifestyle.

‘Normal’ is a social construct that is meaningless and often harmful to those who aspire to it and oppressive in the societies that sanctify it. Human relationships and sexual identities are on a spectrum and these types of relationships and identities are as legitimate/normal as any other.

You wanting to make him happy isn’t likely to result in it, if just manifested in you being passive, uninvolved or un-interested in his decisions, which may cause harm to both of you and your relationship. This needs proper discussion.

It’s absolutely fine and healthy to put limits on what sexual activity you will or won’t engage in or what you both wish to try out but this takes a lot of communication and a strong resilient relationship. These can also be negotiated and will naturally change over time.

Without prying, so no need to reply, I’d wonder how your sex life /marriage is currently and how happy/content you both feel.
I’d also consider/talk through the following:
Is having sex 1-2 times a month enough for you both, who initiates it? Has it always been like this? How are your sex drives? How confident are you both sexually? How is the sex? Does it satisfy you both? What are each of your fantasies, have you shared them? Have you tried exploring them as a two some? What is it he wants to do with a male partner?

Moving to inviting other people into what was a monogamous marriage feels quite sudden move, is the deep end and again high risk.

This!

It absolutely HAS to be a joint decision with both of you actively involved. Don't do it just to make him happy.

If you're keen to discuss it with other people, then the KK chat groups are a good place to start. There's a women only group where you'll get sensible advice from supportive people in the know.

josuk · 02/12/2022 23:15

Have you guys considered going to a sex club, or KK party and just looking around to see how it feels. You don’t have to participate.
And then you can regroup and see what you both want.

However - I do wonder. With sex happening this rarely in your marriage - is your H trying to force himself into heterosexuality?

Original poster

Whatsup1234 · 03/12/2022 08:41

We have actually been to a club long time ago. We did not do anything, just went for the experience.
Is this amount of sex low then? DH has a very big labido and wants it daily, I in the other hand can take it or leave it. The sex is really good when we have it, and I have multiple orgasms everytine. I do not think he is forcing himself to be hetrosexual as he has told me he is on the lower end of the bi spectrum since the beginning.
What's kk chat?

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PinotPony · 03/12/2022 09:13

I think 1-2 times a month is probably lower than average but there's no need for it to be more frequent if that works for you.

Killing Kittens has lots of different chat groups on its website. You pay a one off £20 membership fee to create an account. Men have to be Premium members to access the chat groups and are limited to how many they can join but women can join as many as they like. There's also a KK app.

Would suggest you head over to Women's Chat which is a "vanilla" group - no nude photos or anything, just discussions about everything from relationships to sexuality to periods. You'll get some good advice there.

Original poster

Whatsup1234 · 03/12/2022 09:28

1-2 works for me but really not for him. I know he pleases himself regularly, I've always felt I can't fulfill he's needs because his libido is high. Well what I thought was high but maybe it's because mines low. I really do enjoy sex and he can differentiation sex and emotional connection but don't know if I can.
Will look into the killing kittens thing.

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bedtimeisthebest · 03/12/2022 13:07

You really need to be 100% certain it is going to work for you both. If you're having doubts that would ring alarms for me.

My wife and I have threesome with other both FFM and MMF and often with intimate MM or FF contact, both with us both involves or only one of us, but this comes after a lot of honest open discussion between us.

It has opened up a lot for us but we also have a rule that if either one of us starts to feel uneasy about it then it stops immediately.

Please don't agree to anything just to please him as that could end your marriage.

It has strengthened ours immensely, but we know we are in a minority

josuk · 03/12/2022 13:42

@Whatsup1234

Ah, OK. I thought it was strange that with barely a sex drive he’d want to be experimenting with other people.

Bur that brings it back to you. I get it that you want to try to go along with what he wants, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. You can’t separate emotions from sex - as you said. And you don’t have a high libido. His fantasy of seeing you enjoying sex with another man - will not go how he imagines it. And best case - you’ll be forcing yourself to have an ok time. Worst case - you’ll hate it. And, of course - it’s not fair on whoever joins you.
A threesome with another female may work better - unless she also wants to engage with you, which I presume isn’t your cup of tee.

NortheastMan38 · 03/12/2022 14:24

Threesomes can be fun but only if both partners are fully committed to each other and to the idea of the threesome. Don't do it if you have any doubts about it.

I realise this won't solve your issues with your husband but having a threesome that you're not really into will only make the problem worse.