Need some perspective please

[Grenoble124]

My DH and I have been married 20 years. We have had difficulties in our marriage at times. we have three young children.

We have a complicated history when it comes to sex, basically he doesn't seem to want it in last 8 years or so. We have gone a long time without with various reasons put forward ie co sleeping.

Recently things seemed to improve, I felt hopeful again. We began being intimate regularly again

Then it stopped. I have found out this is due to a comment I made when asked if I had cum. I was honest and said no (because he hates lies) but said it would give me something to think about. It has now come out that this throwaway comment is the reason we are back in a sexess marriage.

Before it was because our son slept with us. It feels like an excuse and I am feeling very resentful. There is no kissing or other intimacy and previously this went on for years.

Would this comment upset you? Do I need to apologise? Or is he manufacturing another reason not to be with me.

There is a lot more to this story. I don't want to drip feed but will add later, if relevant.

Thank you.

I'm not clear what your comment was.... can you put it in quotation marks please?

Just telling him you didn't cum is an absolutely fine and normal thing to say if true....

So my comment was 'no, but it will give me someghing to think about'. We would have had wine. I assume I meant as in when I was alone it will be a nice memory. I don't even remember saying it tbh.

I think men often think that if sex doesn’t end in orgasm then it’s a failure, but actually a) women are quite used to not always getting there, and b) sometimes the arousal is enough!

It does sound like there are a lot of issues though that you both might need to work through. Trying to rebuild intimacy, and trust and exploring arousal rather than aiming directly for an orgasm?

Why would not coming give you something to think about ?

Thank you. I would have meant in a nice way as in when I'm on my own. But he didn't like that. Yes there are a lot of issues. He won't talk about them.

We do get on well and don't want to split.

@Grenoble124

he will have taken it as a slant against him.
he would have thought you would be thinking why he didn’t ensure you had climaxed.

sounds like more talking is needed and why not say sorry.

does not cost.

Thanks. I will absolutely apologise if I was in the wrong. That's why I'm looking for perspective on it. He is like a closed book though with this so will have to pick the right moment.

I think that’s an odd question for him to ask, it’s sort of setting himself up for failure, but also a bit of an odd answer really, not really sure you need to apologise as I don’t think you are in the wrong, but maybe explain the meaning?

I understand your comment OP, as in “us being together is a lovely thing to think about regardless”, it’s not a slight or a passive insult, as previously mentioned a lot of women are used to not getting there, so a particular end-point as such isn’t really the main focus, feel sorry for you OP, can’t do right from doing wrong.

I think the meaning was that just because I didn't cum didn't mean I didn't enjoy it and it was a nice memory type thing. He would ask me that as he wants me to be satisfied and I do generally orgasm.

I just was starting to feel secure that we were back on track now I feel frustrated and sad. I don't want to pressure him but it's always at the back of my mind.

We have literally gone years without or with it once or twice a year. I don't think I can go back to that.

I wonder deep down if he just doesn't want to be intimate with me yet knew he was running out of excuses. Now he has one. Honestly it has been maybe two months now. I can't remember exactly. We only probably had a few nice months in the summer now back to normal. Just fed uo with it.

I've found it is easy for one partner to say one thing and the other partner to hear something different.
Rather than worrying about what was said, think about what to say next. No apology needed. What will tell him the intimacy was good and you want more, without putting pressure on him?
Good luck. ❤️

I am a woman and not currently sexually active. However if I had a history of sexual problems and an on off sex life with my partner on a serious long term basis and my partner said to me during a rare sexual encounter when I asked whether he had orgasmed "'no, but it will give me someghing to think about'."
I would either take that as him being sarcastic or having a dig at me or just trying to make a point about our sex life. If he had just said "no" tho, I think I would have been fine with it.

Thanks everyone x

You meant something nice and he took it badly, so he’s refusing any more sex with you. This is dire, OP, and it’s not your fault. Tbh it sounds as if he’s constantly sulking. I couldn’t live with that.

You do need to discuss this with him, in a loving and unpressured way. But honestly it sounds as if things have gone too far for too long. Do try couples counselling. Also, he needs to see his GP in case there’s something physically or psychologically wrong that could be treated.

If he refuses to try anything, I would consider leaving him. I know that’s an enormous step. But do you want to continue this loveless marriage?

I may be a bit late with this response.

I don't think your comment to your husband was "wrong" however it would have, at the time, been good to keep the discussion going. Perhaps with the goal of helping him understand better what would help to make you orgasm. Then, the next time, you could give a little more direction - firmer, keep going, that's good, not there and soon. This does 2 things. It helps you communicate better and it helps him understand your body better. Once he gets the latter his confidence will grow but don't stop the communications.

So perhaps just arrange some adult time and start with a good chat about what you both want and then discuss how you can achieve it. Maybe one glass of wine each to help the relaxation but keep talking.

Men love verbal feedback especially when it is not really words (moans, whimpers etc)

Good luck.

I wrestled with this for years. I had it all wrong. I now take no offence or blame from my wife not coming, it isnt my fault, she doesn’t work in the same way and it is not always guaranteed. These days...Nor for me either. It is her gift to me to be allowed to come. Waiting for that gift (sometimes a couple of weeks) makes us feel like lovesick teenagers.

He needs to grow up. He sounds like a Sex Sulker.