I’ve lost all confidence and my marriage is suffering

[Noconfidencedilemma]

I’ve name changed because this issue is quite embarrassing but have had my account for years. Please could anyone give me some advice or help me understand why this might be happening?

I've been married for 4 years but we’ve been together for 8. I’m 30 and my husband is 33. I used to be a size 10-12 perfectly happy. I then put on weight just before we got married and it’s just got worse from there. I’m not massively overweight but I just don’t feel sexy anymore. I’m a size 14-16 but one issue is my face is quite round and my double chin is huge now.

I’m a very fussy eater so sometimes I find it hard to maintain a healthy diet and I do have a snack issue too. I walk 10.000 steps per day bit it’s not enough. I work so hard each day but I’m just staying at the same weight. I literally can’t bear the thought of being intimate as I don’t understand why my husband would be attracted to me. I can’t get on top for long as I get out of breath and my legs go like jelly. My tummy is big and my double chin is worrying. So I always prefer missionary.

The issue is my husband wants me to get on top and I feel bad making him do all the work all the time. I have to admit I close my eyes during sex too… I just lay there with my eyes closed. It’s like I don’t want to make eye contact because I'm shy. I feel so stupid and immature. I’m very experienced in the bedroom and my younger self would be shocked that I’ve become a wife who doesn’t make any effort in bed. I’m not sure if this all has something to do with me not wanting to let go in the bedroom in case my husband judges me. I could do it with a stranger just fine (if it wasn’t for the weight gain).

It seems that I’m shy… or worried to let go with my husband rather than some one night stand who I couldn’t care less about. I’m trying to think back to before I put on weight but I can’t remember what sex with him was like before. On the eye contact thing… is that normal? I feel awkward just staring at each other. I feel so silly writing this. Please give me some tips!

I am sorry to hear this. Once you lose your confidence and get inside your head like that, it can be very difficult to change.

It is very easy to say that you should believe that your husband still finds you attractive, and it sounds like he does, but you need to believe it yourself.

The first step I think is to have a proper talk with him outside of the bedroom and explain what you have said here. If its too difficult, then write it down, or send him a voice note. Let him hear what you have to say and give him the opportunity to reply.

Maybe invest in some underwear or other bedtime clothing that you feel sexy in and wear that to help boost your confident. Low lighting/candles is a cliche but definitely has its place. How does your husband react when you close your eyes, dont want to get on top etc?

For me personally, the sexiest thing a woman can have is confidence in the bedroom. Shape, size, stretch marks, tummy etc shouldn't matter to your husband and if he says and acts like they don't then you need to try and take him at his word. It wont happen overnight, but go slowly and try to build your confidence back up. Hopefully from there, everything else will follow. Good luck!

I have tried Noom and it really helped me with a longer term weight thing.

Good luck!!

Reverse cowgirl it OP!

build up to the eye contact, focus on seeing his face enjoying what you’re doing rather than being stuck wondering what he’s thinking if that makes sense.