Good afternoon OP,
Warning...LONG POST
I can relate to this 100%, but from a male point of view.
My wife and I used to have a great sex life, it was adventurous, frequent and fun.
However, after coming to terms with the fact that we would be unable to conceive naturally, we began on the fertility treatment path.
Before starting treatment, the pursuit of a baby had already begun to impact things. The scheduled sex in line with timings of ovulation removed spontaneity and fun, and replaced it with functionality, which wasn't great for intimacy and romance. As time went on, my wife began to grow more and more resentful of her body for not being able to do what its supposed to. She began to fall towards depression, but still wanted to try and so it was a tough time.
We started the IVF journey in 2009. We had two failed attempts and the hormone injections ironically killed sex drive in her as she fell more depressed by her bodies failure and I did feel at times that she may end up taking her own life, she was so low.
The process took a huge toll on us, our relationship together and with others.
In 2011, we were blessed with a DD, our world changed in so many ways. However, it took a while for us to start having sex again. Even then, it wasn't close to how it used to be.
We decided to try for a second baby and again, had to go for IVF. This time we suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks, which remains the single most tramatic experience of my life, the feeling of helplessness was immense. A year to the day of the miscarriage, we were blessed with DD number 2. Despite carrying two children, we had two c-sections as she wasn't able to deliver naturally. Again, in her eyes, a failure of her body.
Second DD is now 8 years old, but our sex life has never fully recovered. We have had pllenty of open conversations about it, but something in my wifes mind and body has been changed, perhaps forever. The biggest thing she seems to have lost is a sense of fun. For a time it was replaced with a feeling of bitterness towards those who could, on the face of it (as you never know what someone is really going through) conceive naturally and easily.
I took it all very personally for a long time, and resented her disinterest in me sexually. I never doubted her love for me, but her sexual desire for me was not there. Now we average sex about 5-6 times a year. I have a high drive, and would like it 2-4 times a week.
What I have come to learn is that her lack of desire is very much connected to the fact that she still hasn't forgiven her body for letting her down. This has the knock on effect of her not feeling body confident, and feeling there is no way someone else could actually find her body attractive or desireable. I have told her many times that this isn't the case, but as people know, it doesn't matter what others say if you don't believe it yourself.
This year has begun to feel a little different. We have had frank, open and honest conversations. I have stopped feeling it is me, and have tried to be patient and understanding about it. I know that she would like it to be different, but can't force her body to feel what it doesn't.
I don't know if it will get back to how it was, that is probably unlikley. It isn't helped that we have a busy household with busy lives (not complaining about this, but it has an impact) and time and energy are in short supply.
Reading this back, it seems very downbeat, and it has been really difficult. However, I my experience has taught me that fertility treatment is hugely tough emotionally on a couple, but it is also hugely physically tough on the mother. It is they who are poked and proded, have the hormone injections, and have to deal with the physical trauma of a miscarriage and failed pregnancies. As a mother, you have felt all this, something that us males can't ever fully appreciate or understand.
Many have been through fertility treatment, and have different experiences so this won't relate to all. Equally, people who have no experience of fertility treatment, either for themselves or someone close, may find it hard to understand what it is like, and what it can do.
I don't know how you feel about your body, but it haas been through an awful lot. You can't overestimate the impact of these physical stresses on your body, but also the long term mental impact on this trauma.
All I could possible advise is that you could be sure you have come to terms with what you have been through. Accept it is trauma, and there is an element of PTSD associated with it. This takes time to deal with and process. I would say this is showing in the fact you began to cry, and asked your husband to stop. It is the association of the trauma and pain of your experiences with sexual intimacy. As hard as it is, you likely need to try to seperate these. Easier said than done.
Your body isn't what it was before, but thats not a bad thing and you have a wonderful child to show for what you went through.
It is about changing expectations of your body from yourself. It may be that you need to relearn what your body likes and doesn't sexually. Remember that sex can be fun, and it can be sex for sex sake, not with the aim of having a child.
You are allowed to feel good, you are allowed to enjoy being intimate without hope or expectation of producing a pregnancy.
I am no expert, I simply come from my own experiences, and having been on this journey for 10 years now, I understand how it can be. It is one of those things that unfortuantley the more you stress about it, the worse it can become.
Good luck with everything. If you have any questions, by all means feel free to PM me.