Starting a conversation with DH about women

[grumpystarfish]

I've always known I was bi, and DH knows that I've had experiences with women before we met. However, getting into a committed relationship with him and getting married I thought that was it as far as that side of me goes.
Over recent months (probably years, if I'm honest with myself) the desire to be with women is getting to be something I can't ignore.
Everything else is great. I know people do have the kind of arrangement having is possible, but how do you even start the conversation? The last thing I want is to make him feel rejected or inadequate, but it's the one thing I can't get from our marriage.
Anyone successfully created an arrangement where this can work?

I haven't done a runner, apologies, I'm still here. Lots to think about.

Thank you for the responses everyone!

I am actually fine with that - but he has another hobby that he’d rather spend his spare time pursuing and it doesn’t happen to involve having sex.

BUT, it’s not actually the same. He’s happy for me to be with women because it’s not a need he can fulfil. I totally fulfil his needs to be with women. If he had another need, then we would discuss it.

Define "the desire to be with women". What does that look like? Do you solely want sexual encounters with women or are you looking for a more meaningful relationship?

I think you need to figure out what you really want before you ask for it.

DH knows about your history so it's not going to be a total surprise. Just be honest with him. It doesn't detract from your love of him to have unfulfilled desires. And expressing those desires to him doesn't even mean you intend to do anything about it. But the first step has to be letting him know what is going on inside your head. Don't have any expectation beyond that for now. Just have a conversation about how you're feeling.

Yes, open relationships can work but you're nowhere near that conversation yet. Baby steps...

@HappyHumpDay thats exactly the answer i was expecting! Its ok for me to do and (back peddling) its not the same because its a woman. Just be honest and admit you wouldn't be ok with him having sex with other random women and its a double standard, its ok to admit that. And if you think you fulfil all his needs and he doesnt fantasize about other women then youre simply deluding yourself. I get it though, the cognitive dissonance. The fact you refer to having sex with other women as a 'hobby' says a lot about how you justify it.

Sadly a lot of these monogamous turned open relationship are very one sided and selfish. Its one person deciding to rewrite the rules and its really not a nice thing to do to the other partner. For a myriad of reasons. And i get there are a lot of vested interests from people in the comments either engaged in this or thinking about it and a lot of self justification and mental gymnastics. Its not a sign of a healthy relationship if one partner is having sex with random other people, its actually the opposite. Its toxic. And if the partner doing that had any respect of feelings theyd realize that their sexual desires dont mean they can put the other person through that. There are plenty of people out there who want a monogamous relationship with someone is isnt sleeping around and maybe if you really cant keep your libido in check the kindest thing would be to let the other person go and have a relationship with someone who isnt having sex with random people rather than having your cake and eating it because youre literally that entitled and selfish.

@Savetheclocktower
It might not be one sided. It might not be selfish.
It could, of course, be both of those things. But only the two people involved in the relationship will ever know that, and you’ll never know if you don’t start the conversation.

There’s a lot of shame and self loathing about some of these things. And that doesn’t do anyone any good at all.

Why would you need to discuss your partner seeing other women @HappyHumpDay surely it's just a hobby in your opinion? Or is it not so gigglesome if it's your partner having sex elsewhere rather than you? 🤔
And regarding there not being a need as you satisfy him, what if he just wanted to experience sex with other people, someone skinny, curvy, black, someone dominant, submissive, older, younger, presumably seeing as you're so laid back about it and it's just a hobby you'd be totally fine with it if that were the case? 😉 or perhaps not

So many people on this thread have not a clue about how ENM works in practice. Here's a thought... did you love your firstborn child less when your second arrived? Love is not a finite resource... it's entirely possible to treat more than one person with love and respect.

Yes, there are abusive men and women out there who talk their partners into open relationships simply so they can fuck around. There are also a huge number of people who navigate this difficult path with care and empathy.

I think you missed the part where I explicitly said I don’t have a problem with him seeing other women!

It's not a need, it's a want. Bisexuality is not a reason or excuse for non monogamy. Gender and sexuality is irrelevant. If you're both fine with a non monogamous relationship then great, crack on. But it's not fair to approach your partner from the angle "I have needs, and you can't fulfil them, so if it's ok with you I'm going elsewhere".

It's no different to a woman telling her husband that she needs a partner with a big cock, and he isn't fulfilling her needs, so would like to open the relationship up. Or a man telling his female partner that he needs a someone else's big boobs so he can have a good titty wank, because his partner's aren't satisfactory for the job.

As I said, I've been in the OP's partner's position, and the way we resolved it was a genuine 3way (soft swing only). I didn't want to play around with other people by myself, and wasn't comfortable with my partner doing it alone. My partner didn't have any trouble finding another bi woman who was up for joining us.

It’s fundamentally different to wanting a big cock or big boobs.

Not long ago did a q&a about this on my social media platform. We tend to discuss sex matters, although not exclusively, what I got from it was that there is usually a big power dynamic in these types of relationships, and its always one person instigating about opening up a relationship, and subtle or not so subtle manipulation of the other partner who seems to have quite low self esteem and is more invested in the relationship and therefore willing to tolerate the other partner finding sex elsewhere. It doesn't seem a recipe for a healthy relationship at all as it's far too one sided and you see people agreeing to situations which they fundamentally feel very uncomfortable with, either due to pressure or manipulation from the partner who wants to seek out sex or a desperation to keep the relationship together and therefore agreeing to anything that's suggested.

Usually if one partner is asking to open up the relationship they've already disconnected to some degree from the relationship and whether their husband/wife agrees it makes little difference as they're going to do it anyway, it's just a way of easing a guilty conscience and not have to cheat, but cheating seems inevitable if the person is determined to seek out sex outside the marriage. It's what we would call a red flag and saying you're not happy opening up the relationship, long term doesnt seem to make much difference as the other partner has already made his/her mind up to cheat by that point, either with permission and coercison or without permission.

It depends if you want to turn your partner into a beta male cuckold who you'll have zero respect for, who has no qualms in you banging other people? Not really a recipe for a healthy long term relationship.

I mean you could man up and leave the relationship and persue being your true authentic self? I realise it tends to be more convenient to stick around and play the field though for most 🙄

What man doesn't want to see 2 women together? He will love it! :)

Ahh wow I'm in such a similar situation! I'm not married but have a male partner who over the years our sex life has taken a nosedive. I've realised a lot of it is due to my longing to be with a woman, something I've kept inside for so long but I don't even know why..I think it would even help my existing relationship if I could explore this side of me...but how do you start this conversation?? Any success stories?

Seems theres more of us out there, its a comfort just knowing that!! hihihi 😻

And...BINGO!

Goes to bang head off a very hard surface

@PeachyKeen123 yes there seems to be a fair few self absorbed emotionally immature women to keep you company 🙈 I mean if your sex life has taken a nose dive for years because you fancy women you could.. perhaps.. oddly.. like leave the relationship?

If your sex life was awful over a period of years and you were unhappy and it turned out the reason was that your male partner fancied blokes, your solution would be let's stay together and my partner can just bang other random blokes? That's literally your solution? 🤔

Open relationships are not "cheating with permission." You don't always get to have your cake and eat it.

DP and I have an open relationship which is very equally balanced. In the past, I've vetoed his potential partners and vice versa. And, because we love and respect each other, we don't do anything without the other's explicit consent.

Anybody who coerces or manipulates their partner into an open relationship is an utter dick. But please don't disparage all open relationships.

Name change fail! Umm bit harsh as you don't know mine or their circumstances.. I have tried loads to refresh our sex life, his drive has lessened whilst mine increased. I have even tried to leave but its not so simple, we are very tied up together financially etc. So if he won't try sort out his sexual issues, but refuses to consider breaking up why can't I at least test the waters by asking?

I may have got carried away by the idea, its not one I'd (or I'm guessing any woman) takes lightly.

Vetting potential shags for each other just sounds exhausting! Whats the point in being together?
No partner who says they love and respect you is going to be vetting people for you to shag. Sorry. Theres no love and respect there at all.

The thought of someone I loved sleeping with someone else regardless of gender would kill me inside and I wouldn’t be able to forgive and forget