Completely off sex

[wadercl]

Anyone else completely off of sex? I’m 5 months pregnant and since conception my husband and I have had sex twice (both times I didn’t really want to at all). Before that we had been trying for years unsuccessfully even with IVF, which didn’t help the situation!

I pretty much know it stems from being unhappy with myself/a bit of mild depression. We have a 3.5yr old who is v demanding, no help from family (in fact most of the time someone is usually unhappy with us for some ridiculous reason or another), and my husband and I haven’t ever had a night out together since our son was born. I’m a stay at home mum which is so much harder than I thought it ever could be, and I’ve lost contact with my friends because I’m the only one with a child and it’s v difficult for me to get into London to see them for their dinners and lunches so they stopped asking (completely reasonably!). All I do is clean up, cook, look after a very strong willed little boy and do the shopping. I used to take pride in my appearance but now I don’t exercise so I’m bigger than I would like and I barely wear make up or even wash my hair. I never get dressed up and spend basically every day in slob clothes.

My husband insists he fancies me but I mean how could he? I mean really? I don’t even like myself. I look older and feel v ugly and tired and miserable. He has a job in the city and will see so many beautiful women in his office every day. He even mentioned 2 attractive girls in his lift getting a salad the other day (like not in a pervy way, it was necessary for the story he was telling me). So why would he still want me?

Whenever he touches me I genuinely flinch. Every part of me wants him to stop and to leave me alone. I can’t bear it. He tried earlier and I was trying not to let on and just get through it but he called it and said it would feel like rape so he turned over. Then I feel terrible like the worst wife ever. Not making him feel wanted, generally just failing at every thing I’m meant to do and making everyone’s lives a misery. I often wish that we had never met and that I was still single or (when I’m feeling v dramatic) even dead. Then I imagine he could have been with someone else who could have given him everything. A happy life with children and some grandparents to help out and then could even have a career and still be interesting and attractive! But we are where we are and I couldn’t leave my family because we have a son who (even though I’m far from a great mother) needs me. So what happens now?

Interested to hear some other stories/experiences. Anyone got through anything like this sexually? Even though I know my husband wouldn’t want to divorce I feel like he needs a lot more than me.

Thanks all in advance!

Depression and low self esteem will make you feel unattractive and undesirable, even if your husband tells you a million times he fancies you, won't make any difference. I can completely relate to the worry about having him work with 'attractive' women, that's your low self esteem worrying about probably nothing and what you need to ask yourself is a) are there really that many beautiful women about, b) is he that gorgeous they'll find him irresistible and c) do you trust him not to cheat IF he was propositioned.

All this will only change when you start to love yourself and I don't mean in an arrogant way, but in a 'yeah, I'm alright' accepting kinda way. It's really frigging hard, cause I've been there. I had an ex who was a hairdresser and he was working on women every single day and I met some of them and they were lovely looking but he never cheated. Just because your husband mentioned 2 attractive girls, doesn't mean anything. Men are visual beings, they look, but as long as they don't act. I know it makes you feel shit, because you're down on yourself, but you MUST believe he loves and finds you attractive. Being a stay at home mum is hard and even harder when you're doing it alone. You need to make a more of an effort for YOURSELF, show yourself that you are beautiful. If you do that every now and then, your confidence might start slowly changing.

I went completely off sex when I was with my last ex. I couldn't bare him near me. It was a different situation to you, he made me feel like shit, so I had no desire to be intimate with him. We didn't have sex for ages and thank god we had lockdown so I didn't need to see him (we lived separately). Even when lockdown was over, still didn't feel inclined to be with him. His cheating kinda fucked it up for us.

Have you had this convo with your husband?

Losing touch with friends and having a 'life' is also quite challenging, same thing happened to me, but it's slowly slowly coming back and it's been wonderful. Perhaps you can reach out and see if someone wants to come over for coffee/chat as a first step. It's difficult when you have a young child and being pregnant but something is better than nothing :-)

Sorry for the long reply, but honestly I hate reading people feeling bad about themselves (I just wrote a post on the chat forum about this), I wasted decades on flipping between disordered eating trying to make myself into something I'm not. Only you can change how you feel about yourself, nothing external will help, it's all from within.

Good luck and remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL no matter what you think.

x