He always does the same thing - how do I change it

[Pavesi]

Hi all,

looking for a bit of advice here; my boyfriend always does the same thing in bed and I want him to switch it up.

Sex is good and we both finished satisfied but he doesn’t seem to read my body or listen to what I’m telling him.

A couple of examples:

• I can squirt and with previous partners it’s been effortless but when he uses his hands it’s like he’s not reading my body and instead is going through the motions of what has worked in the past (15 year relationship) which doesn’t work for me. It’s not the technique as such but a placement issue. We’re all designed differently and it makes me very aware that these moves are not being performed for me…

• He’s also quite well endowed and sometimes it’s just too deep. I’ve asked him to try the coital alignment technique and to move his body up when he’s on top but instead he does the same thing of moving down and being at an angle that can be uncomfortable

I’ve asked gently for what I’d like and given positive encouragement along the lines of “I love it when you…” but it doesn’t seem to be working.

How do I say “stop doing what you’ve always done and just listen to what I’m telling you, read my body and recognise what is working and what isn’t” without being so blunt and knocking his confidence?

If he just carries on in such a determined fashion, I doubt you will even dent his confidence.
Try word of one syllable, like - no - or stop!

By this point, I think I might be a little blunt and ask why he's not interested in doing things you'd enjoy - or even blunter and ask why he's not bothered that you're uncomfortable.

Don't treat him as the enemy. Being blunt might get him to stop doing what you don't like, but sex is about both of you and you need him to be on your side.
Not everyone is good at reading other people and it sounds like he's just not learned that skill ... yet.
What is the control dynamic when you fuck? Who is making the choices about positions, speed etc? Is there scope for you to be a bit more in charge?

Reading body language for me is hard I don’t know if it’s a general thing for men but I need to hear what my partner wants and what feels good. I would be delighted if a partner was vocal and did that as I would want to pleasure her before I got off so to speak.

If you are already telling him what you like and he ignores it and does what he likes that says it all and is your answer.

Sorry I end up saying this quite often...tie him up and do what you like. Can you get the CAT when you're on top?

It's worth investing in a decent set of ties with velcro fastenings round the limbs so that they're easy to do. I also find it incredibly erotic if the tying partner takes their time.

Then you have access to his hands and everything else, as you want.

Just tell him that the best lovers are those who can read people on an individual basis, and anyone else is just bland 😏

Be direct, it could well be that he is being a bit selfish, it can happen in the heat when someone is really in the zone, but it could also be that no-one has shown him a different way.

What's he like in the rest of your relationship? Caring, thoughtful?

Another thought is a buffer...something relatively soft that he wears which means he can't go so deep, would depend on how vigorous things get as you could get end up feeling a little bashed. Some of the simple cockrings could work either a long one or a stack...good luck!!

So if my wife is not doing what I like can I just tie her up and do what I want to her?
Excellent! Who knew that was allowed!