Wife just likes vanilla sex

[itwillgetbettersoon99]

We've been together over 20 years. Married with kids. I've ALWAYS had a higher sex drive. More often than not my advances get refused.

I'm a loving husband. I've told her before about the importance of this for me. I've expressed about trying to spice things up but she's not interested. Sex is ok but it's always just in bed int he same position every time. I even try to go down on her but she doesn't like it.

I've tried everything , I've talked to her about it but she doesn't seem bothered. I don't want to find it elsewhere but I feel like it's my only option as it's so important to me

Talk to her and then if it doesn't improve you'll have to decide whether it's a deal breaker, if it is move on

That’s a great suggestion

I don’t agree with talking to her again, she has already told you she’s not bothered and pushing her to have sex she’s made clear she doesn’t want, isn’t right. She is also entitled to only want to engage in vanilla sex and nothing more BUT you also don’t have to stay in a relationship where there are clear differences, if this is the case then leaving the relationship and seeking the relationship and sex is the only logical answer.

(Chap here)
You have lots of options, but some are joint decisions and some are solely yours.
Never push a lady to the point she obliges just to "shut you up." You'll know, and it's a killer for your soul.
I know it's frustrating as hell, but it'll only drive a bigger wedge between you.
Mate, the only answer is talking; asking her lots about her feelings, wants, desires and hopes, and everyday frustrations. Listen very carefully. Really listen to her.
Sounds like she's pretty clear what yours are !

Only you know whether you can rekindle something, or if she'd rather you had a fwb and your relationship was co parents and friends only, or if you'd both be happier apart......but stay clear of resentment and coercion. That's bad news and a one way route .....

Be honest, and listen. If you really love and respect her, do this first.

"Been there, done it, got the t shirt."

I don’t know how you managed to survive with sex in the same position for 20 years. Or, why you decided that this was the relationship for you back in the day - clearly you were never compatible.

But as you are where you are - I agree - you don’t have many options. Talking to her into trying new things is clearly not going to change anything. She doesn’t care or want to try new things.
Divorcing over having more varied sex life seems like a very dramatic move - especially if the relationship is happy otherwise and you work well as a couple and as parents. It seems a very selfish move that would create so much pain.

I agree - the only solution is to discretely find some outlet for what you seem to crave. It’s not without risk, of course, but by the sound of it you have reached a point of not being able to suppress it anymore.

If this were the Relationship board - people would be suggesting doing the honourable thing, or asking your W to open up your marriage. But in real life - divorce over non-vanilla sex is not something most people would chose. And for most people - agreeing to open marriage is a very big step. Often, in situations like yours - the partner with less libido/desire to experiment - often would actually prefer not to know / and appreciate the less pressure and disappointment coming from their dissatisfied partner.

Ideal partner for you would probably be someone in similar situation. This is why ‘married dating websites’ exist.

Don't go elsewhere. Have a good long think about the relationship. Is there any other aspect that is an issue. Talk and talk honestly, tell her you are desperate, ask her why she is only into vanilla, it could be a million reasons you have never even thought of. Is she lacking in confidence, does she think she is fat, or that she smells? Has something said to her by someone in her past (parents ex-partners etc) made her feel inadequate, ugly, embarrassed etc. These ideas may sound daft but even the most confident person has some kind of hang up. Make her realise how serious this situation is for you both. Can you work through it? What about councelling? Very few people want to live with an unsatisfying sex life, her included. So, don't play away. Talk to her, no matter how embarrassing it might be. Give yourselves a chance or you might have regrets. If she knows the situation and what it's continuance means, she may well want to put the work in for your future. If not...well at least you tried....

@itwillgetbettersoon99 so after 20 years this is now a problem?

Like other pp say don’t cheat behind her back that’s a shit trick. Either love her for who she is or leave simple

You have tried to talk but your asking her to change which is wrong.

Women's bodies change so much over 20 years, child birth, hormones, menopause etc. I think if your wife read this she’s be wearing your balls as earrings.

Talk, talk, talk. You shouldn't coerce her but at the same time you have needs. Could an open relationship work?

100% this ^^, after 20 years I cannot see her changing, but you don’t need to stay married either