Embarrassed that he didn’t get excited

[Confused9528]

name changed as I am embarrassed .
I have a reasonably good body and my husband usually has a high sex drive. I want it to feel a bit more exciting so I recently bought some sexy lingerie and my husband seemed very interested at the prospect of seeing me wear it.
however, when I did put it on, my husband couldn’t get an erection. He behaved like he wanted to have sex but he just could not get an erection. This is the second time he has struggled to get an erection, the first was a few years ago when I attempted to introduce some beginner level adult toys.

He said he felt embarrassed and I told him not to worry and that it didn’t matter but deep down, I was questioning wether he actually still fancies me. I felt a bit of an idiot sitting there in sexy lingerie feeling that it had had the opposite effect of turning him on.
I don’t want to be resigned to a lifetime of vanilla sex with the lights out.
how the heck do I spice things up with a husband who says he is interested but can’t get an erection whenever I try.

Hey there OP, please don't feel bad. He told you he felt embarrassed. Sometimes lingerie and toys can feel a bit too full on. Guys can feel pressure to perform and start overthinking.

How about next time you dim the lights or use battery operated candles and get your DH to put on a blindfold and you appear with your lingerie on and start kissing him, he can concentrate on the sensations without the visual overload and when he feels ready he can take the blindfold off to see you in all your glory.

Hope this helps. Good luck 🍀

Perhaps it was the anticipation that made him unable to perform, if you had revealed the underwear earlier in the day he has had a lot of time to get excited and maybe he just couldn't get it going when it came to it.

Next time try just surprising him out of the blue, maybe wear it under a coat and whip it off to reveal all.

Occasionally it's a thing, and it's nothing to worry about. He'll be more frustrated than you. He'll be back with a bang next time!

Two failed erections in several years are not statistically significant.
You say he like the idea of you in lingerie. Work with that.
Good luck. ❤️

it sounds a like performance anxiety ,feeling a bit overwhelmed after the buildup, causing failure.
as a PP suggests, don’t take it personally and try again, maybe with a more relaxed build up?

If you dated and married a man who prefers ‘vanilla sex with lights out’ - and all of a sudden, after years of that being your routine - you decide to introduce toys and lingerie (he probably considers kinky) -
I can see why he feels pressured and has performance anxiety when this happens.
From his post of view - noting needed spicing up.
But then he is getting a message from you that you aren’t satisfied with sex life the two have; and haven’t been for a while (or ever?)

I think - you need to approach this slowly and communicate in a sensitive way. Don’t break his already fragile confidence. There are ways to slowly introduce non-vanilla things. Just talk to him about wanting to explore and try new things, etc. Just don’t expect him to be on the exactly the same page as you are. Not immediately.
Clearly he is less confident or experienced in that dept.

As a red blooded male I would love my wife to do this, do it again and hope it was an isolated incident

As a man I think this was just more to do with the sudden pressure 'to perform' somehow. As one of the other posters suggested, a bit of teasing beforehand could have really helped to get him worked up a bit.

My wife always dresses up in lingerie for sex. I'm really visually stimulated and I have always been really turned on by a woman dressed that way.

However, sometimes I do wish there was some build up and communication beforehand. Often she just comes to where I am working in the house to surprise me. This is great but sometimes I do feel that pressure to perform and sometimes I want a few moments to switch from 'work mode' to 'sex mode' as well. That said, I'd happily rip her clothes off!

As with most of the threads here, communication is key. Don't feel embarrassed, and do do try again. Can't stress that enough. It does seem very hard for couples to be able to sit and talk about sex and put all the cards on the table so to speak.