To want to feel sexually desired

[Sexanddesire]

Married for many years, both approaching our forties, we generally have sex once a week. I often feel my DH doesn’t show any sexual desire towards me, I’d love him to occasionally put his hand on my bum, boobs etc in the evening to build a little tension, just subtle signs to show he really wants me. I can’t help but feel he doesn’t desire me anymore, I know I’m probably overthinking things.

One of the great things about passionate sex is the wanting to be desired. With any long term relationship it is easy for this to go on the back burner. In addition some sections of MN often have posts about their partners/husbands touching them which they do not like. I find that a little sad. The issue is the difference between a grope an a caress.

Have you considered showing him that he is desired and how would he react? It takes 2 to tango. Tango well!

He used to do things to show he still desired me, maybe he just doesn’t desire me anymore like he used to after all these years or maybe I’m expecting too much.

I fully get this. I think men sometimes think we feel desired just because they want to have sex with us. I've had to have the (slightly awkward) conversation with my partner about wanting to be touched a bit more in the lead up. We have great intimacy outside of the bedroom, do you?

I think there is a lot of truth in this, I remember at the beginning of my marriage we were at like rabbits ( as most ppl are), but when that fades it hard to get it going again

@Sexanddesire don’t forget your partner will have a bum, back, chest etc, men want to be desired just as much as women do. This will probably help get things moving along

What have you done to show your H that he's desired?

I’m aware that may get some criticism for this post. Could I please ask that you try to be kind as it’s taken a lot for me to build the courage to do this.

I have been married a while now and have children that I adore. I love my husband and would not want to do anything to hurt him. He’s kind, caring and the best dad I could wish for to our children.

The thing is, that love has changed over the years. Life, children, the demands of life and work I guess all impact that. Add to that the fact that as we have aged, we have become different people, either becoming more (or less?) physically responsive and self-aware, evolving in our beliefs and the awareness of the roots of those beliefs (and false beliefs) and feeling an increased separation in how we are able to relate with one another. When we were younger and until having children, lovemaking/sex was fun, exciting, adventurous and very physical. We’ve both changed over time and our appetites have changed. We no longer have the intimacy that we once had, and we sure as hell don’t have the adventure.

I have become more physical and voracious in my desire for sex. Not just the volume, but also the intensity, the variety.

I wish I knew why this was. Maybe getting older does that? I feel like I’m reaching my prime at a time my husband is losing sight of his. I have tried to talk to my husband about it many times and share with him my thoughts, desires and fantasies. Hoping against hope that he might have a revelation or injection of libido from my honest sharing, instead he dismisses me, laughs at me (not jeeringly but more patronisingly) and this makes me feel somehow shameful, alone and weird.

My first question is ‘Am I weird?’

I feel totally alone in this place. My friends, though they can identify with this experience make light of it as if that’s just the way it is. Is it?

‘Just the way it is’?
Do I need to just accept that and put a lid on it?

My second question is more of a controversial one.

Does anybody have someone that they can trust that has filled this gap for them?
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking whether it’s possible to have someone in my life who is in the same situation reversed, who is married and has no intention of doing anything to upset the balance in their life, who will not fall for me or place demands on me, and who can fulfil a physical and synergistic role in my life. Someone who I can have mind blowing (or at least satisfying) sex with in a way that helps me to get on and love my family, my husband, my life without feeling resentment?

Is this complete fantasy or is it possible? I’ll be honest. I’ve looked to see if that exists. I can see much evidence in other countries but not in the UK. Do we not do that kind of thing here or am I looking in the wrong places?

The internet is amass with absolute predatory scum who will jump on the first thing that moves. If I were to consider this, I’d want to know that I’m safe, that I can meet a genuinely kind and adventurous person that I can get on with, not feel uncomfortable in my mum bod and just have some fun, intimacy and great sex. I’m not interested in sleeping around, or having transitory or transactional sex. And I’m not going to join some dating or hook up app.

Does anybody identify? And I’d be interested to know your experiences, positive and negative and where you started.

I have craved being desired for a long time now. I haven't experienced it for so long and it can be really difficult to deal with, so I sympathise completely. I don't have any magic solution I'm afraid. When everything else in your marriage, such as his qualities as a father, supporter to the family etc. are so good, it is then almost more upsetting that the 'lover' part of the relationship isn't working.

I guess I really wanted to let you know that I know what its like, and I sympathise completely.

I have chatted to anonomous people online in the past, people in similar situations just to vent without risk. I have found it helpful, but plenty of people will judge too. Thats what the internet gives you unfortunately.

@birdinabasket You might want to start your own post, as people here will be responding to @Sexanddesire's specific question about her relationship.

Tell him. He's not a mind reader.

@Sexanddesire Join the club girl, I do feel for you. Have you tried to spice things up? Does your DH have any kinks, any secret desires? Always worth finding out. Being a bloke, he'll almost certainly be reluctant to open up, but you can bet there's something there. He probably masturbates to porn, he'll never admit it but trust me, he does. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, it means he's still got a libido. But he may have lost the appetite for conventional sex, so maybe it's time to explore the unconventional. Discover his kinks, it might just be the key to reigniting things. In the case of me and my DH it turns out he wanted to be cuckolded - definitely the upper end of the kink scale, but maybe there's other (milder) things your DH is after. A bit of S&M? Bondage? Spanking? Role play? Maybe he'd like to watch you play with yourself, or use toys on you? There's so much to try before throwing in the towel... Good luck.

I was looking through mums net to try and find answers from the opposite direction, I joined mums net just to answer this post, to say you're not weird at all and that people have different drives. Just because your own differs from your husband's doesn't make you wrong.
Also to say, I could literally copy your article and paste it as my own from a male perspective. I've been in the same place for 5yrs, had akward and Frank discussions with my wife, given more space, time and patience than is good for my own sanity, she has had therapy as well as trying everything in between and still I feel nothing has changed in terms of desire, which she tells me she has for me, but still no outward signs.
Outside of sex we have a good relationship, we have fun and share activities and tasks, we both adore our daughter and this is my main reason to keep going with the marriage. but the one issue just grates day after day I'm sure you know how I feel.
I would love to hear how you are getting on 8 months since your post, has anything changed for you?

I think it's a little bit unreasonable to always expect your husband to be the one to initiate sex @Sexanddesire.

It seems a little passive of you tbh.

I listened to a podcast a few months ago by a French lady who was talking about sexual attraction in LTR.

He main point seemed to be about being seen, or more specifically, not being seen. She suggested that women should never allow their partners to see them naked on a casual, non sexual interaction. Her reasoning was that

"if we are seen enough, we no longer need to be seen"

She suggested that the only time your partner should actually see your breasts or vulva is during sex. That way they associate your naked body only with arousal. Kind of makes sense.

Why don't you try dressing sexy, but casually, don't try to have sex, just be around him, wearing something that you feel sexy in, not talking about lingerie, but normal, flattering clothes. Get him to "see" you.

@birdinabasket I have someone who is filling that niche for me, what you are asking for is definitely possible.