How do I change our sex life

[Boredofthesame]

Hi all,

I know there has been lots of threads on here about premature ejaculation. I have read some. Condoms don't work its still just as soon. Its actually starting to get me down and I'm frustrated.
I can and do orgasm through foreplay but its always the same and pretty boring. I don't like oral on me which makes it harder. Despite many conversations dh just reverts back to the same pattern. Its him initiating by touching me down below then a bit more touching then piv then its over. Boring. I have tried to change it, have open conversations but it reverts back to the same after one time.

Take yesterday for example, dh spent all day insinuating he wanted sex. We very rarely have sex now because frankly I can't be bothered. Dh sex drive is low too. So this is how it always goes, him spending the day insinuating. So yesterday he did this, I got in the mood, he was touching me on my leg on the sofa, we went up to bed with the expectation, he starts the same pattern straight to touching me down there. So yesterday I pulled him back and began guiding and kissing slowing it down but dh is just 0-60 and can't hold off. Even the touches and kisses make him almost get there. So while this was going on he's trying to start piv all the time. So then we do that (before im ready if you see what I mean, which happens every time) I am just getting into it and bam its over. No orgasm for me. Its frustrating.

It lasts less than 2 minutes and dh is like an excited puppy so foreplay is short and piv starts always before im ready. Another issue is I don't always want to orgasm during foreplay with him rubbing my clit just laying there like a plank of wood. I want passionate love making with my dh.
He never touches me anytime other than sex and we never kiss or cuddle inbetween so I'm starting to feel quite used.

Nothing seems to work. Conversations fall on deaf ears. Any guidance from me ends quickly. Its like dh can't help it and I'm sure he can't.
I asked about an open relationship and that was a big fat no.
I feel like I'm entering my sexual prime and could weep at this being it for the rest of my life.

Welcome to the club @Boredofthesame

my DH’s libido is rather low, mine is moderate to high, depends on my mood.

We were quite adventurous at the beginning of our relationship but now it seems we’re stuck in the same routine, very similar to yours - he wants me to finish with his fingers first and then move straight to PIV.

Last time we had sex I told him to slow down during the foreplay. He said that telling him what to do turns him off… I was like fair enough, but it’s something you’re doing to ME so excuse me, but if I’ve got a suggestion I won’t hesitate to tell you🙄

So as much as I’d like to have more sex, I want it to be different- but then he wants to be in charge, which would be fine by me if it wasn’t the same stuff every single time.

I used to think bad sex is better than no sex but I feel like I can’t to be bothered anymore. Especially that I’ve got quite an imagination, and our current sex life couldn’t be more far from it.

I'm a member of this club too, sadly. With the added problem of ED. Script of kissing, breasts, carressing clit then piv. And ONLY missionary. Anything else makes him lose his erection even with meds. The last time I took the initiative and went on top but he climaxed immediately and that was that. No attention to my needs.
I've told him recently I don't want to try as he isn't happy with things and neither am I. We have conversations but absolutely nothing changes.

I'm 56 and he is 64. I absolutely don't feel ready to give up on sex. I would like an open relationship but I don't feel able to bring this up.

My only real advice is invest in a vibrator....

Its quite sad to hear others are in this situation but nice to know im not alone and its not all a me problem.
I'm only just gone 30. I intended to stay with dh forever but this really will be a deal breaker in the end I think. Its ok plodding on with frustration now but the resentment is kicking in.
I had another conversation with him about this just now and as always he claims he doesn't know what I want and its hard for him to get it right. Its not hard, I have openly and explicitly told him, I have also guided him. Its not difficult to understand but its probably difficult if you don't care and can't be bothered.
I have told him I won't bother if I feel used, end of.

There are men in our 60's (only just, in may case), that have a high libido and sex drive and make the focus of our time together our partner, rather than ourselves, so don't write all of us off!

In my case, it was my exw that lost libido - there was no intimacy, no passion, no nothing. When we did have sex (maybe three or four times a year), frankly, it did nothing for me, other than make me realise what I was missing...

After divorce, I found a fwb that had a similar appetite to me, and it was amazing, so don't give up hope!

My sex life with my exDH was very similar. Any attempts to vary the script were interpreted by him as criticisms. He also experienced premature ejaculation so would at times tell me to lie completely still so as not to excite him too much. Really not very satisfying although I did learn my own work arounds. I think the issue was that he was not very interested in me as a sexual being or in us developing a good sexual relationship. It was all about him and whether he performed well (by his standards) or not. To be fair I didn't fancy him very much but I didn't realise this until we were married with children. I think the only option in these circumstances is for you to both invest in a sex therapist or accept it will never be more than mediocre.

BTW I now have a new partner and the sex is incredible so I know what I was missing. I'm just very happy to have had a second chance!

I just started my own thread, it's not exactly about this but I can sympathise with you in terms of being bored of the same old thing. My OH has a similar issue of premature ejaculation, if we ever do intercourse (which is rare these days) he either gets self-conscious and loses it, or gets overexcited. Or sometimes I think he's afraid to lose his erection, so gets it over as quickly as he can.

For us, when things got really bad we spiced things up with vibrators. I found that he really likes to watch me pleasure myself, sometimes he joins in and uses the toys on me, but mostly he likes to watch me cum and he masturbates along with me. I'm lucky enough to be able to cum almost indefinitely, sometimes up to 15 times or so in one session, and he'll happily watch the whole thing and touch himself. He always cums way before I finish, but he'll just clean himself up, then resume watching. I squirt or gush out a lot of stuff when I cum, and he likes collecting it with his fingers and eating it up.

I'm not saying it's a replacement for a good hard fuck, I do miss that terribly sometimes, but it certainly helps. I'm also lucky that hubby has a kink for being cuckolded and that's something we're hoping to explore soon. Shame your dh isn't willing to explore that. It seems to me, if he's unable to satisfy you, he should at least be willing to try new things. I'm not saying necessarily opening things up, that's not for every couple and you can't force that upon him if he's unable to face it - but there has to be compromise somewhere. A good start would be to make it clear to him just how unhappy you are. Does he really know the extent of it?

Not sure how you would change the actual sex, but as for the PE can you not send him off the bathroom for some “private time “ a hour or 2 before hand to ensure the you get round 2 ?

Other end of the same boat here, partner has gone through menopause, her libido has tanked, no passion, no sex, nothing , so I’m celibate at 52, seems stupid to quit over this, maybe my sex drive will just die off as well, never thought this is how things would end up.

I’m early 30s and my other half just has no interest at all…the forced celibacy is really difficult. The resentment that they just don’t care at all about your needs is even worse…