I’m aware that may get some criticism for this post. Could I please ask that you try to be kind as it’s taken a lot for me to build the courage to do this.
I have been married a while now and have children that I adore. I love my husband and would not want to do anything to hurt him. He’s kind, caring and the best dad I could wish for to our children.
The thing is, that love has changed over the years. Life, children, the demands of life and work I guess all impact that. Add to that the fact that as we have aged, we have become different people, either becoming more (or less?) physically responsive and self-aware, evolving in our beliefs and the awareness of the roots of those beliefs (and false beliefs) and feeling an increased separation in how we are able to relate with one another. When we were younger and until having children, lovemaking/sex was fun, exciting, adventurous and very physical. We’ve both changed over time and our appetites have changed. We no longer have the intimacy that we once had, and we sure as hell don’t have the adventure.
I have become more physical and voracious in my desire for sex. Not just the volume, but also the intensity, the variety.
I wish I knew why this was. Maybe getting older does that? I feel like I’m reaching my prime at a time my husband is losing sight of his. I have tried to talk to my husband about it many times and share with him my thoughts, desires and fantasies. Hoping against hope that he might have a revelation or injection of libido from my honest sharing, instead he dismisses me, laughs at me (not jeeringly but more patronisingly) and this makes me feel somehow shameful, alone and weird.
My first question is ‘Am I weird?’
I feel totally alone in this place. My friends, though they can identify with this experience make light of it as if that’s just the way it is. Is it?
‘Just the way it is’?
Do I need to just accept that and put a lid on it?
My second question is more of a controversial one.
Does anybody have someone that they can trust that has filled this gap for them?
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking whether it’s possible to have someone in my life who is in the same situation reversed, who is married and has no intention of doing anything to upset the balance in their life, who will not fall for me or place demands on me, and who can fulfil a physical and synergistic role in my life. Someone who I can have mind blowing (or at least satisfying) sex with in a way that helps me to get on and love my family, my husband, my life without feeling resentment?
Is this complete fantasy or is it possible? I’ll be honest. I’ve looked to see if that exists. I can see much evidence in other countries but not in the UK. Do we not do that kind of thing here or am I looking in the wrong places?
The internet is amass with absolute predatory scum who will jump on the first thing that moves. If I were to consider this, I’d want to know that I’m safe, that I can meet a genuinely kind and adventurous person that I can get on with, not feel uncomfortable in my mum bod and just have some fun, intimacy and great sex. I’m not interested in sleeping around, or having transitory or transactional sex. And I’m not going to join some dating or hook up app.
Does anybody identify? And I’d be interested to know your experiences, positive and negative and where you started.