Is honesty the best policy?

[Namechanged454]

I was honest with my boyfriend about our sex life and now I'm left wondering whether I did the right thing. Our sex life is great, however is mainly focused on him. We have alot of spontaneous quickies which I do love, but quickies don't tend to lead to me getting off. He's admitted from the start he has some performance anxiety issues and I think that when he gets hard he wants to jump straight to sex in fear that he will lose it. 90% of the time I don't mind this - we have great sex without foreplay and orgasms aren't the only thing I need from sex. But it would be nice for it to be focused on me every so often right? I've told him I want more attention on me, more warming me up etc and to be fair he took it well, although I'm now worried I'm going to have made his anxiety around sex worse because he said he had no idea he wasn't doing a good job and being so selfish. Anyone else been totally honest and it worked in their favour??

In my experience being honest helps you to feel better because you release some of the bottled up tension. It does not automatically mean your partner is motivated to participate in change. You can still end up very disappointed in your sex life.

I've got a feeling he will try and make some changes, because I know he wants to make me happy - but I'm worried he's now gonna overthink everything he's doing because he's now got it in his head I'm totally unsatisfied! Confidence is key in sex isn't it and I'm worried il have knocked his now! X

I was totally honest and it ended a relationship

can you point him in the direction of something like this.

nationalsocialanxietycenter.com/social-anxiety/male-sexual-performance-anxiety/

read the section around CBT, try to get him to think about being in the moment (sound’s corny I know), and have foreplay with you etc not think about losing his erection ( which he is probably worrying about)

I absolutely believe that we should be able to express our needs and ask for them to be met. That is always the best policy.

You're not being critical of your partner. You're just saying that you'd like him to do something more for you. That's perfectly reasonable.

We should never assume that we'll get what we ask for. Partners are entitled to say no. However, in your case, it sounds like he is willing to make some changes.

Why don't you take the pressure off and ask if you can have the odd session where he just focuses on your pleasure without having to get it up for full sex. There are lots of ways he could get you off and make you feel valued without PIV. Perhaps if his attention was on making you cum with his fingers or tongue, he'd be less "in his head" about what his cock was doing.

Sex is off the menu for a week or so thanks to an unexpected medical issue this week... obviously feel sorry for him being in pain but my god I'm glad I had the chat with him before because we've had two "all about me" sessions since... and they've legit been the best yet! I don't know if that's because I'm more relaxed too knowing I've got everything off my chest etc but it was intense! No idea if we will end up back in a foreplay-less place when he's up and running again...but for now I'm thinking honesty was the best policy 😂

Honesty is great but there are different ways of delivering a truth. Sensitivity is always required when giving an unpalatable message to someone who you want to leave with his confidence intact.

But you should always be able to talk honestly and openly about sex to anybody with whom you are rubbing genitals. Just be kind if you want good things to result from your conversation

Great to hear that you had the best sessions yet after the talk! I totally agree with BB, ask him to do something that puts zero pressure on him. A sensual massage? Ask him to give you a massage that (if he wants) slowly becomes erotic. You will go crazy and let’s hope that he ends up hard 😉 If not, no problem… was all the time just all about you getting a nice massage. No pressure and he learns a new approach. If he is really willing to satisfy you, he will probably try to master this massage technique.