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Anxious about having Sex with Husband

3 replies

Topsynamechange · 31/08/2022 21:16

It's been a while. We've been together a long time and that side of things has really slipped due to health problems, shift work, stress and grief. We have both been skirting around the issue but now recognise and agree we should both get on with it to help restore levels of intimacy.

I'm so nervous , perhaps it won't be the same as before or be disappointing for either of us? Truly and honestly we are soul mates and I can't imagine life without him. The only one for me for the last 25 years. He is also in good shape..me not so much. It's an awful cycle...I know intimacy helps me feel better about myself, valued, less stressed, closer to DH and appreciative of home life but when I get in my low self esteem 'funks' it is the last thing I think about /want to do.

DH has also admitted he has let things slide due to working late shifts / tiredness and his previous health issues (he had a racing heart scare last year and was quite anxious lots of time off work).

Has anyone been in this position before? I read on here a lot about sexless marriages but I feel the big difference with us is that we DO adore each other, and can quite happily plod along without sex. We like spending time together and he still makes my tummy flip after all this time. We just haven't been having sex.

Any confidence tips appreciated.

OP posts:
AverageGuy · 01/09/2022 08:20

OP,
Firstly, long distance virtual hugs for you both, and well done for having the courage to speak to each other about it!

Firstly, try not to think about being intimate with your partner as "getting on with it" - You probably need to take things slowly at first, and let things take thier natural course.

Maybe agree to take piv off the table initially. Just take some time to re-discover each others bodies - have an evening or two of just touch - it's a shame the weather has turned, or things like putting sun cream on each other can be erotic, but maybe buy some massage oil instead.

Cuddle up with each other on the sofa, just touch each other - doesn't have to be sexual. Kiss more. Most importantly, make time for each other, and don't stop communicating!

josuk · 01/09/2022 12:01

Just a question - did both of you decide to do it because you think you are supposed to be having sex?
Or does any of you actually miss sex and feel frustrated with the lack of it?
If former - I am not sure forcing yourself to ‘get on with it’ is a good idea, if you as a couple are happy with the way your relationship is.
If latter - then I agree with going slowly, and just starting with increasing touch and playfulness generally. Also - talking about it and remembering some intimate moments, how it felt. Etc.

JestersTear · 03/09/2022 02:09

Wow, this could have been me posting this - the reasons for it slowing to a stop are the same, certainly and a similar relationship length.
I'm afraid I have no advice as I, for one, am not yet in a place where I want to think about starting things up again. We did try but what with weight gain and shyness on my part, it wasn't what it was. Then more bereavement and back to square one for now. Hubby tells me, if I bring it up, that he doesn't want to push me. That said, knowing that he still fancies me would be a great help, but I'm not sure.
For us, though, we still hold hands, kiss, tell each other nice things...we just don't 'do it' or anything naked together. We also don't sleep in the same bed, which probably doesn't help either.

So, no help or advice, but a post to say that I empathise.

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