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I want decent sex...now!

28 replies

Jumpking · 28/08/2022 02:07

Been with DP a year. He's been having on/off ED the entire time. He will occasionally take a Viagra, but never likes to presume sex is on the agenda, so the hour it takes to kick in means the moment has passed when it begins to work.

For me, decent sex includes PIV. He easily makes me cum orally, but PIV is where I get the most enjoyment.

We were away for the first week of August, and he only entered me once, the last day we were away...and even then he lay still on top of me while I got off. He knows I like this- I enjoy making myself cum on him while he's inside me, then going again with us moving together. But there was no moving together after.

After the event, he immediately started telling me how he's got himself tied in knots and is really struggling to maintain an erection, even with the Viagra and he didn't want to talk about it on holiday. We'd talk about it after.

I then went away for 2 weeks with DC. He went away for 2 weeks with his DC the day before I got home. A whole month not seeing each other.

Prior to holiday, I can think of a handful of times when PIV has happened since January. If I climb on top when he's hard, he shrivels inside me within 30 seconds.

We see each other 1-2 times a week, so there's no opportunity for loads of sex to help him move past this. I rarely sleep over... which is frustrating as I've experienced that morning sex is better for his erection. I'm using my vibe an awful lot, both with him and alone.

Seeing the GP has been suggested, but there's a bit too much male pride for that to happen. The more of a deal I make of it, the more pressure he'll feel. Which isn't going to help at all.

Where do I go from here? As sex with him just isn't doing it for me.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 28/08/2022 02:16

End it and go find someone who satisfies you? I’m not sure there’s a solution where you stay in this relationship and also get what you want/need.

justabagman · 28/08/2022 06:32

how old is your partner ?

Jumpking · 28/08/2022 07:47

Mid 40s

OP posts:
Jumpking · 28/08/2022 07:47

As am I

OP posts:
Namechangeforthis9 · 28/08/2022 07:52

@Jumpking . Sorry but the outlook isn't good if he is having ED this badly in the 40s. I'm married but if I hadn't seen my DH for a month I know he would be rock hard and desperate for it!

If sex is important (clearly is) then the relationship isn't going to work.

Despite being married for years my DH still loves/ wants it most days

hashbrownsandwich · 28/08/2022 07:55

HCP here ~ ED can be a sign of some serious underlying conditions such as diabetes and liver problems.
He needs an ultimatum - he either seeks help or your gone.

lostincumbria · 28/08/2022 09:29

Genuinely amazed at how many men are having problems but refuse to seek help out of some bizarre form of male pride.

As above OP, he needs to grow up and seek help or get the hell out of there. It's not going to get any better, is it?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 28/08/2022 16:57

If a man in mid 40 suffers from chronic ED , then not being able to have sex is the last of his worries, he is 3 to 5 years away from a heart attack.

show him the link below

www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/erectile-dysfunction

Jumpking · 28/08/2022 19:04

Thank you for that link. Preaching to the converted about going to the GP

He's adamant he's got himself in a tizz over me and is having performance anxiety. He can get an erection alone, and can also masturbate himself over me until he cums. I can make him cum orally and with my hand, just takes a while to get going. It's the PIV that isn't working.

There's a heck of a lot of stress in his life at the moment and a close family member's death too after a long illness. He's right that it could be nothing, but I don't understand why the pride thing means he won't get checked out. It could be a sign of something much bigger and he's not the healthiest of people.

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 28/08/2022 21:20

he might be better off with the daily pills then
onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/erectile-dysfunction/tadalafil-daily

and a trip to the GP and get more healthy….

TwixBounty · 28/08/2022 21:57

@Jumpking I was going to post something similar, my DH isn’t yet 40 and he’s started having similar issues recently. I do wonder whether him being a heavy drinker has something to do with it. Reading some of these posts has made me wonder whether it’s health-related and I am actually feeling a bit concerned.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 28/08/2022 22:42

@TwixBounty , yes, being a heavy drinker over an extended period will absolutely cause ED …

www.drinkaware.co.uk/news/have-you-lost-that-loving-feeling

TwixBounty · 28/08/2022 22:56

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 28/08/2022 22:42

@TwixBounty , yes, being a heavy drinker over an extended period will absolutely cause ED …

www.drinkaware.co.uk/news/have-you-lost-that-loving-feeling

It very much looks like we’re starting to follow this road. He won’t give up alcohol though, he basically said, if I don’t like it, it’s my problem.

hashbrownsandwich · 29/08/2022 08:33

@TwixBounty heavy drinking and/or liver problems is a classic for ED.

TwixBounty · 29/08/2022 09:13

hashbrownsandwich · 29/08/2022 08:33

@TwixBounty heavy drinking and/or liver problems is a classic for ED.

I’ve tried telling him, he won’t listen, I guess he will have to realise this himself.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 29/08/2022 09:35

Loads of things can cause ED, and men should really see ED as early warning sign that something has to change with regards to health and lifestyle in middle age.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/erection-problems-erectile-dysfunction/

hummerbird · 29/08/2022 11:01

A friend's DH started to shut down on life in his 50s. All kinds of reasons.
Made redundant by company take over and got a VG pay-off. Money still in bank slowly evaporating value.
Friend suddenly took promotion at work and excelled. Making trips abroad with a new lover as part of work.
Her DH says "as long as you come back to me".. So she doesn't leave him.
Could you be happy with a similar arrangement?

Str8talker · 29/08/2022 15:39

Have a talk with him - polite and friendly, but don't leave anything out.

girlfriend44 · 29/09/2022 20:55

Cherchezlaspice · 28/08/2022 02:16

End it and go find someone who satisfies you? I’m not sure there’s a solution where you stay in this relationship and also get what you want/need.

Sex is not the be all and end all.
She might find someone who satisfies her sexually but not in other ways.

I would work on rather than changing partner.

Funberry · 30/09/2022 14:21

Do you ever talk about masturbation. By this I mean, is he able to get himself hard when alone, or watching porn (or whatever his thing is for example). If he is, then perhaps it is anxiety and pressure to perform that isn't helping.

Do you know if it is something he has suffered with previously? Is it a newish thing to him?

Just trying to think of how to try to refine the issue.

Cherchezlaspice · 30/09/2022 17:49

girlfriend44 · 29/09/2022 20:55

Sex is not the be all and end all.
She might find someone who satisfies her sexually but not in other ways.

I would work on rather than changing partner.

That’s your position. It isn’t necessarily everyone else’s.

1245J · 30/09/2022 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cherchezlaspice · 30/09/2022 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I expressed my opinion on what OP’s options were. Another poster tagged me and expressed her different opinion. I acknowledged that was her position.

I suppose what I could have done was go on an odd and wholly unnecessary snipe fest, but you seem to have that market cornered.

1245J · 30/09/2022 19:20

The snipe fest? You taught me that.

Cherchezlaspice · 30/09/2022 19:30

1245J · 30/09/2022 19:20

The snipe fest? You taught me that.

Okay, then.

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