Have you lost your virginity/had sex as a young girl with a much older man?

[ConfusedIdiot]

Hi all,

I was doubting if posting here or in Relationships, but I think I'm more likely to have the kind of answer I'm after here.

Recently I found out someone I work with, a man in his 50s, has been having casual sex with 18-20 year old girls. Lots of them.

This is a man I thought was very moral and sensitive, a feminist. He thinks there's nothing wrong with it and the girls are on it for the fun.

I'm horrified and I'm trying to find out if this is my prejudice and there's really nothing wrong with it in some cases.

If you did this as a young girl/woman, or know someone that did, what were your reasons? Did it affect you? What do you think of it now?

Thank you for any replies.

I fell pregnant at 18 to a 49 year old man.

Not my finest moment. Looking back now I had daddy (well parent really) issues.

Didnt affect me in either way other than the obvious DC at the end of it. I don’t think anything of it now-it’s just another part of the tapestry that is my life.

Thank you for replying.
I'm really very unsure about what to think about this kind of relationship.

I did.

I had daddy issues and very adverse childhood experiences and now as a much more stable adult I have learned after copious amounts of therapy that I used sex as a way of self harm.

I lost my virginity at 13 to an older lad (he was 17) I was 17 sleeping with a 40 year old man then at 18 I had an affair with a 47 year old married man. There were many others in between but always always older than me.

It makes me really sad to think about it now actually but relieved to have worked on my trauma to a level where I understand my younger self a lot more.

I should also say I had a horrendous childhood in the form of physical and emotional abuse. So I would say that had something to do with it.

I'm sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing

I lost my virginity at 16 to my 18 y.o. bf but I cheated on him with a man in his forties and I felt guilty but the sex was so much better for me. Idk why but it turned me on that he was old enough to be my Dad, it felt more naughty or something. Plus he was more experienced. I'm not sure my Daddy issues have ever fully left me tbh

Yes when I was seventeen dated a 29 yr old man. I had huge father issues as a younger person . I now believe that this was a form of abuse on his part as I was young and vulnerable

I was 15 and he was 40. It was not consensual in the sense that I didn't really know what was going on. He was a waiter in a place that had a few B&B rooms. He said he liked me, I kind a liked him too. He offered to show me around behind the scenes and before I knew it, he had locked the door of a bedroom and started kissing me. I was surprised. He then raped me.

He blackmailed me, it was a small village and I delivered the Sunday paper. So every Sunday the same thing happened for 6 months. I explained it to myself that he was my boyfriend.

It was only when I was 20 that I realised what had actually happened. It massively traumatised me to this day.

That's such a heartbreaking story @Thisisnotmyrealname12 . It's terrible you had to go through that. I hope you are finding the way to overcome it.

I just keep thinking I can't find any excuse for a middle aged man to have sex with teenagers, even when they consent, knowing how vulnerable and immature they can be.

Oh @Thisisnotmyrealname12 I'm so sorry that happened to you 💐

I lost my virginity at 15 to a man nearer 40. All my boyfriends/fwb have been minimum 10 years older, although I'm now the happiest iv ever been with my bf who's only 2 years older. Iv always just had a thing for older guys

I was 17 he was 40 - it went on for several years. Both of us were highly promiscuous but obsessed with each other. At the time I was crazy about him, now I can see it affected me a lot and I could have made better choices without him.
I still wonder how things would have been if we’d married, although he’s been dead a while now.

If it's just casual sex between consenting adults then what's the problem? They're both just using each other physically for gratification so age is irrelevant.

A lot of people say that young men are clueless at pleasuring a woman, and older blokes are better (presumably down to experience). So maybe your colleague is dynamite between the sheets and all these young women are using him around like a play thing? Hopefully he's had the snip or got a very good pension!

@altmember
isn't the power difference an issue here though? 18 years old is practically a child compared to a man three times her age.

I struggle not to be terribly judgemental.

Is it really that different from a middle aged man lusting over fifteen year olds just because they have reached the legal age? There's a lot of maturity difference between 18 year olds, some might be almost adults but some are still children.

I would feel sick if my daughter were in this position. At 18 they may be adults in the eye of the law but they are in reality transitioning to adulthood and still need advice and support whilst finding their way. Having sex with a man old enough to be their father or grandfather isn't part of that process

Not really, if it's purely casual sex/hook up the emotional aspect of a 'relationship' isn't there, so neither is the control or power inequality.

It's entirely normal for 18 year old girls to be sexually active, and acceptable to be promiscuous in this day and age. It would be wrong and judgemental to assume that these women aren't fully able to decide who they have consensual sex with.

For casual sex it doesn't matter who the dick belongs to - 18 or 80 - so long as it works.

Obviously if it's more than just a physical hookup, any kind of relationship should raise eyebrows (sugar daddy, gift buying, grooming, false promise of commitment, someone in a position of responsibility etc are all possibilities). But the op doesn't mention any of that, so it's apparently nothing more than casual sex between 2 consenting adults.

I have always had BFs much older than me at 19 I was dating a guy in his early 40s then at 22 I dated a guy in his early 50s .
My Dh was the closets age to me he was 15 years older than me .

I dont have any father figure issues , I was lucky enough to come from a very stable home.

I do wonder if things would be looked on in the same light if it was a older woman dating a young lad

For PP that have been pressured/ forced into sex with older men , I am sorry you have had to go through this it is a despicable thing to do to anyone.

It's just grim and gross. Leave the young women for the young men and the older men for the older women. It just feels wrong and exploitative.

Maybe I've met the wrong kind of 18 year olds, and nobody choose what they like, but for an adult man to target girls younger than 20 for sex it feels exploitative.
I would say the same about 50 year old woman choosing 18-20 year old boys for casual sex by the way. Although I do feel that girls that age are more vulnerable than boys because of the possibility of getting pregnant.

I haven't but nearly did. I knew a guy when I was 16, he was about 45, he was very interested in me, I knew it but he didn't act on it. He also had a girlfriend who was in her late 20s. When I was 18 he was single and tried very hard to take me out even though he knew I had a boyfriend. He tried again a year or so later, I had a different boyfriend (my now husband) and he was married (to someone just a few years older than me) so that time he was definitely just after a fling.

I bump into him occasionally now and honestly if I found myself single (I wont) I'd probably go there. He'll be 60 now, he's rich and good looking and I'd give it a try for a night. I've a thing for older men although my husband is just a couple of years older