My condition rules my life, but have I said or done the wrong thing?

[BisonGrassVodka]

I have to apologise for the length of this post, I speak as I find, maybe go into too much detail, But I can only tell the truth with me having ASD.

At the beginning of August I started seeing a new woman and we are getting on great, much better than I expected with me being on my own for so long. I was open and honest with her from the very beginning about me having Autism, it's never stopped me from holding down a very stressful job or getting on with life at all, I try to deal with things if and when they happen and to have as normal a life as possible.
When I was very young, my mother put me outside in my pram one very nice day, had she not come to check on me when she did, I could have died as a cat jumped into my pram and was laid across my face, it was very quickly removed and I was taken indoors, never to be left outside alone again.
Of course, I know nothing about this, can remember nothing, but learned about it when I was older.
I've never likes jacket or coats with hood on, my mother bought me a Parka with the fur lining around the hood and I refused to were it, I cannot wear a scarf, don't like having anything that is in my eyeline, I fear going to the opticians and a visit to the dentist is a nightmare, so I do wonder if my brain has some form of recall that only manifests itself when I'm in close contact with people?
Now one thing I can say, I've never had an issue with kissing and cuddling or close intimacy, but when it comes to oral sex I get the "ick", not because of the act itself, smell or taste, it's the sight of a lot of hair, I'm OK with some hair, be it shaped, close cropped or even all off, but a full bush is not something I can cope with. I divulged this during a conversation very early on and my partner said, "I like to keep mine short, sometimes shaped and when going on holiday and "special occasions", it's all off, so you have no need to worry there". I actually said, "thank you".

Roll on to last weekend, we'd been out for a couple of drinks and a bite to eat, on the way home in the car, she said, "I've a surprise for you", I had a bit of an idea where this was going had to stop the car as I couldn't see for laughing, she opened her handbag and gave me a toothbrush, I thought this was hilarious and within a second or two, she couldn't do anything for laughing either.

We managed to get home and went upstairs, I used my new toothbrush and went into her bedroom, the lights were off, but a bedside lamp was on, she was stood wearing nothing but a smile, I smiled and and kept my eyes on hers, not looking anywhere else. We kissed and she peeled my clothes off, we laid on the bed and I complimented her, I gently touched her neck, arms, back, bum and legs and was very happy. However, when turned back from having a drink of water, I saw her fur triangle, my blood ran cold despite the heat coming from me and beads of sweat appeared on my brow within a couple of seconds.
I hate to say this, but my passion vanished instantly, I said to her, "I'm sorry, but I can't do what you want us both to do", when she asked why, with the expression of a scolded pup? I simply replied, "it's all the hair on your lady garden". She was deeply hurt and I apologised to her, but. She apologised to me and said that she'd forgot, but did offer to go straight into the bathroom and attend to it, she even invited me to watch.

I declined the offer, quickly got dressed and drove home, I probably deserve this, but I've hardly slept a wink since and feel bloody awful. We have spoken on the phone a few times and we both apologised to each other again, she invited me out tonight, but I already had plans to help a friend out with a function he's running, she asked me if I'm free tomorrow and I said, "I don't know yet, as I'll not be getting finished until after 4am and then have to put the equipment away and drive home, so it'll be at least 6am till I get home. Can I call you around midday and we can make plans then"? She replied, "I can't spend my life waiting around for you, if I answer the phone yes, if I don't I've found something better to do".

Relationships are about compromise and I try my best, as anyone with Autism or family with the condition knows, I can be very difficult. I've had this function tonight planned for months and it's a lot of money, plus very good extra cash for me, basically 4 days wages for 12 hours of work.
My remark in her bedroom might have been out of order, but I did mention my "fear" and she had made a promise.

All I can do is try and call her tomorrow, if she answers, I'll be very happy, if she doesn't, I'll have to live with the consequences that my condition and behaviour might have ruined another potentially good relationship.

I suspect you will get slated on here, but you are entitled to change your mind about having sex should you wish to. The reason might be seen as shallow but the reality is not having pubic hair, or at least being heavily trimmed is very much more now the norm. As a women who goes to the gym and also has friends in their 30's and 40's, being bare is how they are...and what their partners want.

I suspect she didn't in reality even think about it and will be a little shocked and possibly hurt? But in the end if she is happy to be bare and you both want to try then fine..neither should do anything you are not happy with.

It does suggest she is well out of practice as few women sport a full on bush now unless perhaps older...certainly none of my gym buddies have one on show in the changing rooms !!

You expressed a preference, in the same way as a woman might say I don’t date men shorter than me, or I don’t like hairy men.

It’s wrong to coerce someone to change themselves, but ok to express a preference.

she did offer to fix her pubes so she understood your needs, so a call and a discussion sounds like a great idea.

Does this woman have a bald head as well?

I think you’d have been better off telling her that you were working on Saturday and suggesting another day, rather than stringing her along.

Can confirm that older gym goers male and female often sport a full bush, and continue to be sexually active with no hang-ups.

Not helpful, the OP’s condition needs to be considered

Thank you for the replies, I didn't want to start a fight or denigrate anyone, as anyone with Autism, lives with a partner with it or has a family member with it, you'll be very aware of the complexity of the condition and the meltdowns that can flare up. I'm being totally honest and do have a genuine issues.

I was going to call her, but she called me first, we had a good conversation and we both apologised to each other again. She told me that she had carried out the promised topiary and asked if we could put this incident behind us and try again, I'm more than happy to do so and we've made a date for tomorrow night.

Fingers crossed I/we have no more hiccups and can carry on where we left off, but with a more enjoyable outcome.

Thank you all.

Nice outcome, hope it goes well

Great that everythings back on track. It sounds like you are both quite keen.
My partner is ASD, as is my brother. As you know it comes with challenges, but what I would say is that you need to keep talking about how you think/feel. As a non ASD person things can come across as hurtful, when in truth they are not meant that way. 3 years down the line I laugh about my partners direct language, whereas before I was floored by it. He talks more about situations that he finds stressful & that he needs time out.
Enjoy your date & hopefully more to come

Update.

Things didn't happen as planned, I went to pick her up as planned, there was no answer when I knocked on the door and I noticed her car had gone, I tired calling, no answer, waited 10 minutes and tried calling and her front door again, both times there was no response. I waited 30 minutes and tried yet again and again I was unanswered. I gave up and drove home, it's a 56 miles round trip and I wasn't happy about the situation, but couldn't do anything about it. At 4.45 my phone rang, so I answered it, "where are you"? she asked, I replied, "I'm sat at home having a sandwich and watching the TV". "You should be here like we agreed", she countered. I said, " I was at your house at 1pm, which is the time we agreed on", "err, yes", she said, "but I had to go out for a couple of hours and forgot my phone and couldn't call or text you". My reply was, "well we agreed to meet at 1pm and it's now almost 5, how was I to know I should have waited and why should I, when I have no idea what was going on or where you were?
She piped up with, "well it wouldn't have hurt you to have waited", I bit my tongue and politely told her, "I was at yours for the time we agreed on and with waiting for a while, there was no contact with you and I became very hungry, you live in a very small village that has 1 pub that is closed on a Monday, there are no shops and I was starving, hence I came home before I took ill from hunger".
Before she put the phone down, I heard, "my god, can't you use some common sense and think about me".

I've heard nothing since and I'm not being the one to call her, I don't need the stress, I've got enough going on in my life to deal with.

I'm not and never had been a mind reader.

Bullet. Dodged.

she's an unreasonable nightmare

bin

Time to move on. Far too much effort.

This isn’t a sex issue anymore, it’s a relationship issue. They can be difficult for everyone

Nightmare, bullet dodged

Bullet dodged, there would always be something.
Breathe and relax.

Given that info, you've gotta wonder if she did the full bush on purpose really. I mean, it's such an unusual phobia that it's not something anyone would forget about .
Intrigued to know, do you know how old you were when your mother recounted the tail ?(😉). Did you actually have the phobia before you were told I'm wondering, as you would of been far too young to have memory of it or even be able to process it. Don't think your mother did you any favour by telling you about it, unless the phobia came first and she was offering up an explanation.

Intrigued to know, do you know how old you were when your mother recounted the tail ?(😉). Did you actually have the phobia before you were told I'm wondering, as you would of been far too young to have memory of it or even be able to process it. Don't think your mother did you any favour by telling you about it, unless the phobia came first and she was offering up an explanation.

To answer the above, I've always had the fear/phobia, I've never liked anything near my mouth unless it was food or drink. I could/would only wear pyjama trousers in bed in case the top covered my mouth, I refused to wear a scarf, I would only wear v neck jumpers and T-shirts, the list goes on.

My mother never told me about what happened until I was in my late 20', so it's certainly not a new thing for me.

My partner is autistic (as are my children) and he wouldn't be able to touch me if I had pubic hair x
Hes repulsed by it and shaves his own too.
I just think if a relationship is worth having it's give and take from both .

My son is now 22 and was diagnosed at 4 years old, my daughter is about to turn 19 and she was diagnosed in early 2022. My son has done brilliantly and has just finished his 4th year at Lancaster Uni, my daughter on the other hand hasn't faired so well, she couldn't cope with school from the age of 12, she was bullied and picked on something horrible, we had to get her home schooled, but she didn't do any exams. All the friends she had turned on her and it got so bad, she refuses to out the house unless her mother or I am with her, she cannot cope with busy places, won't answer the door or phones, won't talk to anyone she doesn't know and is basically a recluse.

Have I passed this condition onto my children?

Wow I'm sorry she treated you like that but I don't think she is the right partner for you. Condition or not, her request that you should have just waited around with no explanation is completely unreasonable...she should have been the one calling and apologising to you. I hope you find somebody more reasonable and with good communication as it sounds like you try hard to explain yourself to your partner.

As for passing on ASD to your children - my understanding is that the tendency can be, but is not always, hereditary. But even if that is the case it is much better to look forwards at supporting them then thinking back on things like that.