So many issues! Please come and give me your words of wisdom. Thank you.

[BuddleiasBurning]

OK.

I wasn't sure whether to post in Relationships or here. But, having read through other threads, the Relationship board isn't always very understanding when it comes to matters of sex! It's all a bit more pragmatic here! Which is what I want.

I'll keep it brief 🤞🏻

I'm in my late 40s. I've pretty much always been single. I had one almost completely sexless Relationship between 26 and 37 (probably had sex no more than half a dozen times) and prior to, and following that, my 'relationships' have been few and far between and have all been less than a year long (mostly 6 months or less). Sex has been very emotionless, passionless, scratching an itch type sex rather than anything more exciting or meaningful and has fizzled out long before the Relationship ended because I became bored and lost interest.

For the past 9 months, I've been in a relationship with a man who has always been in relationships and so is far more sexually experienced than me. I absolutely adore him and want to be with him forever really - but only if I can sort out the sex thing.

I grew up with some pretty dysfunctional attitudes around sex given to me by my parents - basically, don't say no, don't tell a man you don't or do like something and all women have sex they don't want to have. It's taken a long time to undo all of that and I think I finally have. Mostly.

But it means that here I am. A (much as I hate to admit it!) middle aged mum of 2 who feels clueless about sex.

Due to past rapes, I'm not very good if someone tries something spontaneously. I panic and shut down. But I also think I have quite an adventurous side and would try most things at least once if presented in the right way - eg during sexting or chatting. I don't mean a pre coital itinerary 😉 but if something totally unexpected happens, I freeze.

Technically, I enjoy sex with him because I've had enough experience to know what I've liked and not liked so far foreplay wise, so I've been able to direct him. But when I've asked what he likes, he just says," Everything you do is great," which doesn't really give much to go on. But as far as piv goes, because of past experience I can find it a bit overwhelming.

He has mentioned dressing up couple of times, which I'm not averse to at all but, last weekend and out of the blue he asked, 'So, when are you going to dress up like [a specific person during a specific point in time]?" I didn't respond well. He caught me off guard, his timing was awful, and all I heard was, "I'd fancy you more if you looked like..." or "I want to imagine I'm having sex with ... instead," and not, "I'd really like it if you wore x, y, and z"😕 So I felt a huge 'fight or flight' response and replied with, "Well, if I'm not good enough for you," which was totally the wrong thing and shut the whole conversation down, he apologised and said that wasn't what he meant (I knew hope that wasn't what he meant) but we both felt a bit awkward 😕 I doubt he'll bring it up again.

Its not that i feel I can't talk to him about it but there's just so much -

Limited experience of shit sex
The not liking total spontaneity
Feeling inadequate/unattractive
Having a fear around sex

I don't even know where to start.

We've both said we are in this for the long haul and I want him to be the last man I ever have sex with. But I don't want either of us to feel that there is something missing.

You could start by showing him this post...? Have you told him about the rapes and how it's affected you? If he's a nice guy, he'll be sympathetic to your worries and insecurities and help figure out a plan to overcome them together.

You've described a trauma response there. This isn't really about sex IYSWIM?

You need to trust yourself to trust him.

Perhaps some psychosexual therapy to release you from past trauma.

Hello
Im a male but maybe my experience will help.
I came to relationships with trauma around sexual abuse and becoming sex addicted. It took a long time to reframe how I thought about sex. My body was always on alert and I found having fast sex for instance, quite difficult as it triggered me. I had EMDR and that helped a lot. The thing that helped the most was mindfulness where I realised that I was at war with my body. I worked on thanking my body for being there, for helping me survive difficulty and worked to forgive myself for blaming myself for stuff that was not my fault. As a result I think about myself very differently. Please dont give out to yourself for when you get triggered, its not a failing, just your body trying to look after you. Good luck- I send you big wishes to overcome this.

Thanks for the responses. I've taken some time to think about them and I think you're right. It is a trauma response. I've had therapy for things that have happened but not psychosexual therapy. I'm not sure how I feel about that tbh.

I also think sex has fizzled out in previous relationships because of it. I've reframed it in my head as boredom and losing interest, and sometimes it has been - I've met a lot of men who just roll on, grunt and roll off again in the past 10 years. Plus those with ED and porn addictions who just lay there and expected me to do all the work after a couple of months. Things that have knocked my confidence rather than increase it. I've also had a couple of fwbs and found sex much easier with these men when feelings weren't involved. But I also think I've found sex boring because I haven't had the confidence try anything different.

He is a lovely man and I feel very safe with him. I know I need to talk to him about it. He knows things have happened but I do think he realises (maybe I didn't either) just how deeply they've affected me.

Max your insight was really helpful too. I'm sorry that happened to you but recognising it's body's way of protecting me is a good way of looking at it.

Wanting you to dress up, pretty knickers, stockings suspenders is him wanting you to be even more attractive

Logically, I can see that. Emotionally, my response to it is a bit out of whack!

I'm going to speak to him this weekend, I think.

Thats fine, happy to help. Your body will always look out for you so you have to tell it that its OK. The book by Bessel van der Kolk- The body keeps the score is interesting and Gabor Mate on you tube is good too. Make it your mission to see you are great!

As others have alluded to, I think you need to talk to him about it much more. Don't be afraid to tell him all your fears and concerns, but also tell him what you'd like to try. All couples should experiment, so enjoy the voyage of discovery.