Has anyone got over death grip?

[Justonethingi]

Long story short, new partner and he is great… except he has death grip. He admits that it is probably that (no meds or health issue etc) he knows he should not want for a while… but I need to help rectify it as sex is amazing… except he just can’t come and we go for hours and I get sore. The only wat he can come is using his hand which does leave me feeling quite shit even though he says it’s definitely not me.

Anyone been through this and out the other side??

IMHO, it's not Death Grip, it's performance anxiety, where he's thinking too much about the sex, rather than just enjoying it. Are you together often or are their longish gaps between meets?

@FirstHusband he thinks it’s death grip? He had a bad relationship before though? I’d say we are having sex about once a week at the moment?

As long as you're ready for sex, if he can 'save himself' for you and you go for the main event without foreplay, things may be a lot more spontaneous. If you try it and it doesn't work for you, it's not like it will be a month before you're together again.
Hopefully, a couple of quick results will allow him to focus on you, rather than his thoughts about making love to you which (I think) is distracting him.
When I'm overthinking, I tend to spend too much time giving oral - which I love - but too little time thinking about my partner.

@FirstHusband not sure I follow… save himself at what point? We do foreplay but maybe we don’t do enough I don’t know?? I’m happy with it, but we end up going for ages and thrusting and thrusting and I get a bit sore and it also is starting to make me feel shit and inadequate….I know it isn’t his fault and we are talking about it, iv just come on here just to see if anyone has been through it and how they fixed it?

if he was a 1 minute man (now that I have a lot of experience with!) I know all the things to do but this is new territory! He’s hard so that isn’t a problem and he says it’s the best he’s had (great!! Same for me) I’d just like to know what to do as he isn’t sure! This is now 2 months of having sex once a week or so..

@Justonethingi "save himself" means no masturbating in between sex sessions with you. The idea is that by removing the "death grip" things gradually return to normal over a period of a few months.

Remember though that the whole death grip thing was invented by Dan Savage, and has no grounds in medicine. An experienced urologist says it's not in the first ten things he'd consider when encountering this problem.

@lostincumbria ah ok I see. I c an suggest that… I’m not sure he has been lately to be fair , I know he did say he hadn’t the last week but if I know it takes longer than that maybe he will persevere

I think the Wikipedia article on this is interesting. It is a mixture of things scientists have said, alongside some utter hooey.

Here's a science bit: "The concept of death-grip syndrome is not recognized by any mainstream medical bodies."

There are all sorts of reasons why a man might be unable to orgasm: age, nerves, antidepressants, insufficient arousal, stress, having had a wank recently, porn addiction, insufficiently relaxed, fear that he won't come, or any combination of the above.

"Death grip" is an extremely unhelpful concept that distracts from the real cause or causes.

@Catullus5 I absolutely agree as I read that, did a bit of research and couldn’t really gain an answer hence coming on here to ask people who have over come this! He can absolutely ejaculate… just take a literally forever if he is inside me pumping away and me getting sore (that’s if he can at all) and I can’t get him off with my hand as I can’t do it quick enough or long enough!! Haven’t yet wirh my mouth as he said that feels disrespectful (ex never gave oral) despite me reassuraning I want him to?

I don't think there is an easy answer. There are as many combinations of reasons as there are situations. He says it's not you: do believe him. But it's likely that he doesn't know himself what the cause is.

I'm interested that he feels like BJs are disrespectful even though you're happy to give them. That feeling won't be helping him: that's really a form of inhibition I should have added that to the list.

Perhaps the best thing is to work out that you actually want here: good sex with him. Does that really have to be vaginal sex? Perhaps if you just concentrate on having a good time with him it'll come right with time.

@Catullus5 sorry no he loves BJ he says coming in my mouth he feels is disrespectful. He’s only come in me twice in 2 months, once was fine and once was after ages and then him basically giving himself a hand job for a bit (to ‘get himself there’??) so I don’t know what to do? I concentrate on him, I really do. I feel I’m missing something but he is content! He’s also obsessed with me coming first, something I have never ever experienced from a guy and I just don’t work like that as I feel under pressure, which he knows. So I don’t know what to do with this, he says he’s fine and he’s having the sex of his life…. But I feel really shit and inadequate as getting a guy off should be quite a simple thing to be able to do! I just want to help him but he doesn’t offer any solutions and says I’m doing nothing wrong?

there is certainly reduced sensitivity post 50 , no problem with getting, maintaining erection.to finish I need to use doggy position or spooning .it's difficult to finish with missionary these days but we still have great sex, no complaints.

I've tried slower masturbation , loose grip to mimic PIV but has little effect - age related wear and tear , sigh 🙂

To be honest it doesn't sound like either of you can be having "the sex of your lives". And I can't believe he can be feeling "content" if this is so clearly an issue for you. Coming inside you just twice in sixteen sex sessions (working on you saying weekly for two months) isn't normal.

He's feeling the pressure to orgasm (having to assist himself there with his hand can't be a good feeling for him either) and he's putting pressure on you to orgasm first.

It sounds like you both need to take a few steps back. Why not just take time to enjoy each other and each other's bodies in sensual but not overtly sexual ways for a few weeks?

My advice to him would be to cut back on masturbation altogether for a while. (I did for a time and it made all the difference - the sensual enjoyment of sex with my wife skyrocketed from a point where I had been taking a long time to ejaculate, especially during oral sex).

What really is the reason he won't ejaculate in your mouth when you are saying you want him to? This might need exploring a little. Is it because actually he would like to but is worried that he would find it difficult and gives this reason as a kind of excuse? Or is it, just as he says, really because he believes it's "disrespectful"? If that is the case I hope that you are able to reassure him that for you if really isn't.

Similarly, his wanting you to orgasm first - which sounds very considerate on the one hand - might also be him trying to take pressure off himself because of his inability to orgasm more quickly.

It might be worth seeking out some professional advice on this. "Retarded ejaculation" in men is a recognized condition and there are things which can help. All the best to you both .

@Saturdaymorningsaregreat he was in a very long term relationship… ex sounds very selfish and mechanical in what they did. I’m the opposite so he says it’s refreshing as he’s never had that. He had this problem with her so for quite a long time it isn’t just me. Can you elaborate more on what you mean by exploring but not sex? Just literally everything else but penetrating? His ex didn’t give blow jobs and made him feel they were gross, it is a genuine he thinks it’s disrespectful to come in my mouth so i think it’s been ingrained. I’m not fussed either way, but have reassured him it isn’t disrespectful as I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to.

@justabagman not reached 50 yet but I hear what you are saying for sure!

Maybe read up on delayed ejaculation OP - from good sources!

I'd suggest taking orgasm off the table completely, just enjoy the sex... no pressure to orgasm. If it happens great! You've only been together a short time, I think it'll improve the more you get to know each other.

@Tiger2018 but if no one is going to be coming then when/how do you determine when to finish?! Iv reiterated that my orgasm is not overly important to me, yeah of course I want one but I’m happy just doing stuff together and have sex without one all the time ()genuinely)

I think probably what I mean is touching and stroking each other in totally non-sexual ways - ie. foot, back, leg, neck and shoulder massages and deliberately avoiding touching or even going near parts of your bodies - genitals, breasts, etc. - which have any association with sex.

Leisurely massages can be wonderfully relaxing and bonding but more significantly for you and your partner I think would take away feelings of pressure, expectation and anxiety that sex has become associated with. As I say the whole point is NOT to have sex for the next few times you get together.

Maybe after a couple of weeks start to include more intimate areas but still hold back from actually having sex.

Don't worry, the desire won't go away. It may even actually increase. Just don't follow it up for now. By deliberately aiming for your "intimate time" together for the next two or three weeks to be non-sexual - but still really relaxing, bonding and enjoyable - it might help your partner by taking away something of the "issue" that non-ejaculation has become.

But I do want to say that I'm not a professional sex-therapist. I've just read a bit over the years and have had a good, sexually fulfilling marriage for a lot of years during which I've had to do a lot of learning myself.

As I mentioned previously if the issue remains ongoing there may be some underlying psychological or physical things going on and in which case suggest he has a chat with his GP?

And I meant to add to echo what @Tiger2018 says. When it comes to actually having sex just to take getting to orgasm out of the equation for now and just to enjoy yourselves. I think that's maybe the key thing to helping with the issue?

When my guy and I started to be intimate, this was his problem - he just couldn't come. I got sore and there is only so long before all sexiness is gone and its the repeated motion, pressure in his head building feeling like he has to climax - takes all the fun out of it!

So instead we just enjoyed each other, seeing what each of us liked...building the physical intimacy and being comfortable with each other. I cum easily so I didn't have a lack of orgasms but taking the 'requirement' for him to have one too just wasn't needed. We kept it chilled too - when we fancied a break or to stop, then we did. We'd have a brew, or glass of wine, got showered (together was especially yummy) went out to dinner, whatever - just being a couple. We communicated openly about it too. It removed a lot of worries for us both - just because he didn't cum, did not mean he didn't fancy me - this really helped me knowing this.

This went on for a few times until one day...it happened. A completely spontaneous orgasm from him. IT WAS MAGIC! We've now been together 3 years and the problem is no longer there. It took patience and understanding. We will do sometimes just stop when we feel like it, we still do talk about sex and what feels good ALL THE TIME. As that brought us together.

@Tiger2018 thank you. Ok I’ll try to see what I can do and just chill together. Shame it’s so hot otherwise having a bath today would have been a lovely chill thing to do together naked!

ah, the non-existent death grip thing invented by American fundamental Christians who think 70 years after everyone else that masturbation sends you to hell

But I feel really shit and inadequate as getting a guy off should be quite a simple thing to be able to do! I just want to help him but he doesn’t offer any solutions and says I’m doing nothing wrong?

No! It's not necessarily simple at all. It can be a real headfuck, not knowing if you'll be able to cum, and worrying about that while having sex. The worry becomes self-fulfilling.

What he says makes sense: you're not doing anything wrong and he genuinely doesn't know what to do. I think there is some very good ideas above about just taking the pressure off: just set out to enjoy yourselves.

Also you haven't mentioned how old he is. I'm in my late 40s and I'm mahoosively less sensitive than I was when younger.

Don't you mean Dan Savage?

Savage has attracted controversy over his comments and actions related to LGBT issues. He coined the term "santorum" to define a by-product of sex after former senator Rick Santorum made anti-LGBT comments in 2003, and condemned The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for its support of California Proposition 8, which banned same-sex marriage in California.

@Catullus5 yes 40’s ok thank you. Just not something iv dealt with before and he’s amazing and I want to help him which I’m turn helps us!

No.

Well apparently he made it up. Was it you instead? Confess!! 😉