My wife doesn't masturbate - is this unusual?

[Saturdaymorningsaregreat]

Reading a recent thread on MN reminds me again that there seem to be a lot of women who regularly masturbate - daily or even more often. Which I think is great. Sex is one of the best and most important things in life and staying connected with your sexual self in this way I think is very important.

The thing is my wife never, or hardly ever, masturbates. We do have sex a couple of times a week and she has orgasms every so often although not every time.

But if she's on her own she never masturbates and never really has. If I ask her about it she says she can't remember the last time, or that she "doesn't feel the need".

Personally I'd love it if she did masturbate. Selfishly I'd find it exciting to know that she did. And I think (happy to admit it if I'm wrong) she'd enjoy sex more, be more orgasmic, etc. if she did masturbate. I try to encourage her to sometimes - in a lighthearted way, in the right moments.

I totally realise that everyone is different. On the one hand maybe this is just who she is and of course that is totally fine. I certainly don't want to land her with pressure or expectation that she "should" masturbate and that it's somehow "unnatural" if she doesn't .

On the other hand I don't want her to be missing out on something she might find is really pleasurable/relaxing or whatever, if for some reason, emotional, psychological, etc that she feels she can't/shouldn't masturbate.

She certainly has masturbated occasionally in past years, has orgasmed and has told me about it. But neither she nor I can remember the last time she did.

With all the recent discussion about how often at least some women masturbate I wonder if this is unusual?

"We do have sex a couple of times a week and she has orgasms every so often although not every time."

Soooo, a lot to unpack here.

A lot of women who masturbate find that they enjoy sex more.

But perhaps you need to find out why she only orgasms sometimes with you and whether she's happy with that.

And also, why are you happy with that?

Thanks @lostincumbria Your response is much appreciated. She orgasms maybe one in every six or seven times we have sex. Always has all the years we've been married. We've talked about it occasionally and I'd love her to orgasm much more, if not every single time. But she says that she really doesn't need to come each time to enjoy good sex. She most definitely seems quite happy and satisfied by the time we've finished even if she's not had an orgasm herself.

I always put as much effort in as I can to foreplay, etc. I'm a decent, caring, unselfish and loving husband and we know each other really well having been married a lot of years so I don't think it's down to any inadequacy on my part (acknowledging I'm always open to learn and improve if I can!). It just depends on how horny she's feeling or it it's simply an enjoyable sex session at the end of a busy day for eg. with no need for a fireworks conclusion etc?

Maybe this is connected to the lack of masturbation question? There's nothing "wrong" as such, it's just that some people don't feel the need to very often, or at all? But I did wonder how usual this was given the amount of conversation about very regular masturbation?

It's brilliant that women can now be really open about expressing their sexuality and doing what they want to do and getting the very best from sex in ways that would have been frowned on not so long ago but I'm just wondering whether the aim and ability to have an orgasm every single time - which clearly is the case for some women (and I say fantastic to that!) - might not necessarily be the case for all women all of the time? Or maybe I'm wrong? I often am!

I masturbate regularly, however like your wife I don't orgasm every time we have sex..nor do I really need to. The sex itself is enjoyable enough for me, if I orgasm it's a bonus. If I was to orgasm every time, each sex session would have to be rather lengthy as it takes me a while to get there!

I think with regards to masturbation, everyone is different, I masturbate most days but I do have a high sex drive, more so than my DH.
Have you spoken to her and asked her how she feels about only having an orgasm 1 in every 6 or 7 times she has sex? How do you help her reach orgasm? It also sounds like you need to communicate a bit more!

I don’t think there is a connection. I never masturbate, I just don’t feel the need. I don’t have a high sex drive and never feel horny unless I am actually having sex. Despite that, I enjoy sex and it’s very rare that I don’t orgasm.

To be honest I think it may come across as you pressuring her about it. It's actually none of your business whether or not she does and maybe she doesn't want to talk about it. I read your concern for her pleasure as more of a control thing, but that may be my experience speaking.

I think it's unusual, yes. There's nothing really wrong with it though, her libido is probably just low.

Fwiw, I was married for over 20 years and masturbated a handful of times alone. I masturbated for my XH to watch a few times. I orgasmed 99% of times we had sex, often more than once.

When we split, I invested in a good vibe. It gets used regularly. I don't see DP enough each week you see, so I'm making up for it.

I had what I needed in my marriage and I'm getting what I need now!

You've said your wife is happy with the amount of orgasms she's having. She's not needing or wanting to masturbate. Sounds to me like all is well between you both... Don't worry what the rest of the world is up to, as long as you two are both happy and comfortable with your sex life, that's the important thing.

Thank you all responders so far. I really appreciate it. You've given me a lot of food for thought.

@FemSxBoard I totally agree about communication. It's an absolutely vital and ongoing thing to keep in mind. Sometimes I do forget and need to hear it in mind lot more.

Although on this particular issue I do think we do communicate. Whenever it's come up in conversation my wife has made it really clear that she really is fine about how often she orgasms during sex. I really don't think she's either not telling me the truth or dissatisfied, so I think I simp!y need to believe her.

I know what I can do to help her to orgasm - it's very successful sometimes but on other occasions in between she's just not that concerned about it and doesn't respond beyond a willingness to have a basic enjoyable sex session even if she doesn't come herself.

@SeaMills That's really good to know.

@AnuSTart Thank you for the reminder that whether or not she masturbates is really none of my business. Actually it isn't. Enough said.

And in lots of ways I can, if I'm really honest, be a bit controlling - maybe coming from not a bad place though, usually because I want things/people to be helped along a bit or get things done/sorted (this comes across in other areas of life/work which have nothing to do with sex). I genuinely do want my wife to get the best pleasure she can from sex but I agree that's up to her to find and decide in her own way.

@Mum4kids1dog Yes. sometimes my wife has wondered if her libido is quite low. I think perhaps you are right. Mine is very high and I recognise it is as personal challenge sometimes, wanting to encourage her to be as enthusiastic sex I am when at times she's just not that concerned about it.

And finally to say that I do love her very much as she is and would never want her to change in any way. Thank you @Jumpking I think that about says it all.

I don't enjoy physically masturbating. As I get older it is less comfortable. I can however "come" using my mind or in my dreams.

I do know what I like and my DH has given me many organisms over the years. He recently really listened after 20 years and this has drastically upped the game meaning I now orgasm at around 3 times when we have sex before he does.

I don't like that he requests that I masturbate - I feel it is to relieve his guilt of doing it himself, although he denies it. I would rather he save it all for me, he knows this but has only recently learned the benefit to this.

Try taking again about how you can please her but not when you are in bed but perhaps alone in the car or away from the house to take away the pressure.

Good Luck

I tend to play daily, and orgasm with my partner most times, rare that i wouldn't. I'd say I've always had a high sex drive and currently seeing someone who has one too. But there's no right or wrong amount.

Sex is one of the best and most important things in life

Really?

But to your question, no I don’t think it’s unusual.
Or something that should be worried about.

@YouAreNotBatman I appreciate that this is not the case for some - perhaps many - people.

My statement was too generalised. I should have prefaced that sentence: "For me...."

Thank you for pointing this out.

Not unusual as some women don't masturbate. The vast majority, according to surveys do, but of course there will be some that don't. And also some that do but hide it. Personally I love to masturbate and I've been doing it since I was younger, my hubby loves to see me do it anytime.

I don't masturbate and never have. I've always felt that I must be a bit strange or unusual for not doing so. When I have touched myself to try inserting tampons, I've always felt a bit sick and faint. So, I only tried a couple of times, then I concluded that tampons are just not for me.

I rarely used to orgasm with my ex. Sex was very much all about satisfying him, and my pleasure was not even considered by him. On the one occasion I did ask him to help me out after he'd finished, he just said "Why?"

Luckily sex with my partner now is brilliant, and I orgasm multiple times when we have sex. He is an extremely considerate lover, and keeps pleasuring me until I literally can't take it any more.

I still never masturbate. I don't live with my partner, so we have sex just at the weekends when we see each other.

Your health is the most important thing in your life.

I dont think what she is saying us unusual. Ive been married 14yrs. We do have a regular sex life but like most things with kids around the house privacy and us time is more difficult to get. Im not deceitful but I dont share with my husband that I masturbate and probably give similar answers to your wife if he asked me. Being not committal when I last did it, saying cant remember etc.. Its something I do when he is away usually and keeps my needs in check. Not a substitute for sex together, but helps control the need. Im probably less open with him admitting to it, like maybe when we ere first together. But then I was probably telling him as a teasing / flirting way. These days its done to deal with a need I have. Hope that makes sense. So I dont think there is anything to worry about and you may find she is still having "me" time

If my DH asked me, I probably wouldn't admit to doing it, even though we have got more more adventurous in bed.

I wouldn't do if it impacted on my sex life with him and reduced my desire.

The big difference for me was when he wanted to introduce using a toy or so in the bedroom when having sex. He bought a vibrator and whilst the first night was a bit of a shock using it, we do at times use it together (more him using it on me) which he loves. What I found then was when he was working away in a business trip, I tried it alone and OMG had some amazing orgasms laid relaxed on the bed. Made me more fired up for when he returned as well!!

Agree. Similar to my thoughts

I have a healthy sex drive and only see my partner fortnightly (when we’re at it the whole time) but I still don’t masturbate regularly. Maybe once a year if kids aren’t around and I’m in the mood. But it’s not a necessity for me and doesn’t impact my drive. I orgasm more so than not during sex. I much prefer to be touched and enjoyed by my partner. So no, not unusual.

Masturbation is private and maybe she just doesn't want to tell you about it - that's allowed and that's ok.

However - if the sex is really good it's more likely to get your wife fired up for a few days during which she would be more likely to masturbate. If you're consistently getting ok sex it's not going to inspire your sex drive much. It might be time to look at how good your sex life is and how to improve it.