Man needing advice.

[namechange123x]

I have been with my wife for going on ten years, married for 7, two amazing children. I'm happy. I love her. We are good together, there are no problems accept one, she has no self confidence at all. She is so down on herself, the way she looks, she doesn't think she's a good mother, wife, friend. I tell her every day I love her and I think she's gorgeous (which she is) and she'll reply something along the lines of 'not as good looking as xxxxxx or xxxxx, or your ex, she was much prettier than me' then she will list everything she hates herself. As much as I dislike her feeling this way, it almost 100% affects her more than it does me. After having two children it definitely exasperated her negative thought processes. We don't have sex anymore (not for about 3 years) and this isn't a huge deal for me, yes I miss the intimacy but I love her more and I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable when she feels like she does. She has had therapy and we are on the waiting list for more. She takes antidepressants. I would have put this down to a post natal problem but she had it when we first met but I was sure I could help her and make her see that she is beautiful.
We are both late 30s.

Any advice?

I don’t have any real advice but therapy will help,

Posted too soon.
I don’t have any real advice but therapy will help, it will most likely be a slow process because these things can be so ingrained, has she told you why she lacks confidence? Did her parents criticise her a lot as a child, or did anything happen to make your DW feel this way?
Hopefully with ongoing therapy and support from you, she will slowly feel more positive about herself.

It's a really tough one. I emphasise as my wife can be like this sometimes although not as badly. It does sounds like she's depressed and as @FemSxBoard says therapy is probably the way to go. There is help out there and lots of people come through this and out the other side. I would say maybe post this under Relationships as you might get a bigger range of response, suggestions and help? All the best to you both.

@namechange123x "yes I miss the intimacy but I love her more and I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable when she feels like she does. "

You sound very considerate and thoughtful how you are dealing with this. Harsh as it sounds, you also need to be realistic (as does she) in that a relationship, especially at your age isn't marriage as that involves sex and intimacy. Over time, a lack of corrodes feelings and ultimately exposes both parties to vulnerabilities such as cheating and other people as you will yearn for that closeness. So carry on working at it, but also point this out as part of the process that longer term this cannot be the status quo.

MN is littered with posts such as yours and the end result. Suggest that you also have this moved to relationships as that is more what it is about. Lack of sex is just a consequence

@Marig1990

I hate to see her upset but I love her so much I would do anything to help her. There is no way I would ever walk away from her. I'm quite a strong person and I'm here to support her 'until death do us part'. I would never ever cheat on her. It's not something I would put her through. I'm here as a loving partner.

@FemSxBoard

She told me once that she was bullied a lot as a child and just hasn't been able to get over those words that the kids said. Since we've been married she has had 4 lots of therapy, we are waiting for #5.

@Rogerthedodger

I only want her my DW to be happy with herself. I love her so much.

Maybe lack of sex (or no sex) is one reason why she feels like she does?

Two things that in the past have completely destroyed my desire to have sex are contraceptive pill and antidepressants. Although during the periods of time taking these meds I would have put my lack of libido down to my self image, or something about him, or anything else - it's really hard to gain perspective on how these meds affect you when you're actually on them.

I will never take either again because of this. It is not an uncommon side effect of either. Perhaps not as known as it should be because of the cultural expectations on women to have sex whether or not they feel like it. (It's obviously great you don't adhere to that!)

The world is tough on women over body image. Exercise helps, not so much because of the way it might change one's body, but more because when you get into it, you start to appreciate what your body can do. And endorphins!