Anal sex in the range of normal?

[Rogerthedodger]

So here's a general question from an average, ordinary, curious (nosey?) chap.

From time to time I really love having anal sex with my wife and have done since before we were married in the late '90s. Even though we've been together and doing this for a lot of years it still feels kind of "naughty", which is part of the turn-on probably.

Sometimes my wife is orgasmic with it and other times she's just happy to accommodate me and enjoys me enjoying it, if that makes sense? And there are other times when it's "not tonight, darling" and we do something else. It's much more related to mood for both of us than pretty much anything else we do.

We maybe do it once a month or so but then sometimes many months go by and we don't do it at all, which is fine for both of us.

Is this average/typical? It's not the sort of thing that exactly crops up in conversation with friends over coffee after dinner but sometimes it's interesting to know where you fit in the range of "normal sexual behavior" - if there even is such a thing!

It’s probably quite frequent. Lots of women I know offer it “at Christmas and birthdays only” 😂

We go through phases, where it’s frequent (a couple of times a week) and virtually never…

I never have....and never been with anyone who's asked me to. Is that weird???

What's "normal sexual behavior"? It will differ from person to person and couple to couple.

If you are both happy with the situation (and it sounds like you are), then it's normal, and absolutely fine. It also sounds like you communicate with each other, and aren't "afraid" to talk about sex, and that, in my mind is the most important thing a couple can do.

If you will pardon the pun.. Crack on with it!

I don’t think there is is such a thing as normal, before I met my husband I had never even tried or been asked for anal, now with my husband it’s our usual sex act, it’s pretty much and every day occurrence for us. I’m pretty sure to other people it might not be “normal” but for us it is and we are both happy

I remember boys talking about getting their "brown wings" bleurgh

I've tried it 2 or 3 times in my life - just a bit painful and I like my bum for pooing.

@MrsBrollie Do you usually orgasm when having anal? As I say my wife does very occasionally - a couple of times a number of years ago without additional clitoral stimulation but that's very rare - especially so as we don't do it that often anyway.

We've found it depends on positions a bit. We're not great users of toys - although we've got a few gathering dust at the back of a drawer.

There have been a few times when she's been nearly, nearly, nearly there, but not quite and I've not been able to hang on any longer (as it were) which has been a bit frustrating. But as it's not a regular event we haven't "perfected a technique" and we are coming to it pretty much afresh each time.

I'm quite experienced with sex in general but I've never done anal. I've attempted it a couple of times but no way was it anywhere close to fitting in and I wasn't really into the idea of it anyway, so gave up. I enjoy a finger up there but that's as much as I can take. I don't think any man I've been with has expected it as standard. A few have suggested it but when I've told them I'm not into it, they have left it there.

Anal is like a fairground ride. Some people are willing to give it a go but decide its not for them, others won't entertain the idea, some people have a go and enjoy it and do it frequently

The difference is you're less likely to 'scream if you want to go faster'

@Rogerthedodger anal generally makes me cum but only with clit stimulation. It’s the combination of both that does it. The womanizer vibrator was life changing. I have never been able to cum from anal alone.

@drlel - Try living in France.

What happens in France?

I would say no, I had used to have a FWB who liked to wear ( is that the right term), a butt-plug during PIV, sometimes we we swap to anal intercourse, but not very often,

I find this an interesting thread as I have met a new man and he asked me at the weekend how I felt about anal.
I said I've never tried it and would never want to. I asked him has he tried it, turns out he has done it a lot with previous partners and really enjoys it.

He's absolutely fine with my decision (as he should be) but I did tell him I'm now worried I'm going to be far too boring for him!! It's very, very early days but surely he will miss anal sex if it's something that he enjoys?

For those of you who love it - could you sacrifice it for a new partner who really doesn't want to try it?

no ta

@Namechange85
"For those of you who love it - could you sacrifice it for a new partner who really doesn't want to try it?"

I'd never do something my partner was dead set against, so yes, happy to sacrifice something. However, I would always encourage them to push thier comfort zone, as it might be something that they enjoy once tried.

@Namechange85 I think that's a really good question. I don't know if this personal perspective might be helpful or not. Even though we don't do it that often I do really love the different kind of intimacy of anal sex and always have - with my wife and some former girlfriends. For me it's as much the preparation beforehand - the communication, the ensuring she's relaxed and totally turned on, the unhurried, sensual business of it all as much as the act itself which is the big thing for me. I've always thought that it's somehow bought us especially close when we've done it.

So I thought I would miss it hugely when we did take a break from it for about five years when my wife was never especially in the mood for it and it reached a point when it seemed we might never return to it.

Although out of the blue one day we both fancied it and started it (occasionally) again, by that time I had realised that it was whatever it was that we both wanted to do together which was more far important and which made the best kind of sex. If anal had stopped being one of those things and we never ever did it again then that was alright and I wouldn't especially miss it. So it may well be that your new man is feeling like this and is entirely happy?

And it definitely goes without saying that there are plenty of other things you can do together, and not including anal doesn't make anyone "boring".

Thanks, it's just a niggle that if we continue to see each other that he'll be really frustrated and not fulfilled.
I will definitely not be trying it, A. because I have no desire to B. Damage caused by childbirth requiring surgery

I guess I'll have to wait and see...so far we are very open and honest which is a refreshing change, so if he feels that way I would hope he'd tell me!

"However, I would always encourage them to push thier comfort zone, as it might be something that they enjoy once tried"

Maybe trying a hotter curry, or stand up paddleboarding but "encouraging" someone to accept something into their body doesn't come across well.

For those of you who love it - could you sacrifice it for a new partner who really doesn't want to try it?

I wouldn’t say I love it, but I would certainly sacrifice it for a new partner who didn’t want to try it & I would fully expect the reverse to be true, if a new partner wanted to do something I didn’t (pegging as an example), I would expect them the respect that answer,

We've tried it a couple of times, but my wife didn't enjoy it so we didn't continue.
I saw a sex survey by Relate 10 years ago which said nothing about the actual frequency of anal sex, but in the final section on fantasies it noted that "a new fantasy for men, at number two in our survey, is anal sex. Some might hypothesise that this has become more popular with men because of the prevalence of the act in pornography. But others might suggest that the growing acceptance of sexual diversity means that it’s no longer frowned upon as it might have been 50 years ago. Either way, it’s important to note that it did not feature in the women’s top 10 list at all!"
I can't find any serious UK studies, but a "U.S. nationally representative probability survey of 2,021 adults (975 men, 1,046 women)" found that "Lifetime anal sex was reported by 43% of men (insertive) and 37% of women (receptive)".
A fuller summary of the findings stated "Respondents reported on demographic items, lifetime and recent sexual behaviors, and the appeal of 50+ sexual behaviors. Most (>80%) reported lifetime masturbation, vaginal sex, and oral sex. Lifetime anal sex was reported by 43% of men (insertive) and 37% of women (receptive). Common lifetime sexual behaviors included wearing sexy lingerie/underwear (75% women, 26% men), sending/receiving digital nude/semi-nude photos (54% women, 65% men), reading erotic stories (57% of participants), public sex (≥43%), role-playing (≥22%), tying/being tied up (≥20%), spanking (≥30%), and watching sexually explicit videos/DVDs (60% women, 82% men). Having engaged in threesomes (10% women, 18% men) and playful whipping (≥13%) were less common. Lifetime group sex, sex parties, taking a sexuality class/workshop, and going to BDSM parties were uncommon (each <8%). More Americans identified behaviors as “appealing” than had engaged in them. Romantic/affectionate behaviors were among those most commonly identified as appealing for both men and women."

@TheWifesLad I recall reading those stats somewhere too. Definitely interesting and informative reading. On this particular subject, curiously, the final sentence about "romantic/affectionate behaviours", rings bells with me.

The whole business of anal sex - the particular necessity for careful, unhurried, gentle approach, taking the time to make sure she's totally relaxed and communication both ways is clear and loving - that I'm totally in tune with what she's saying and feeling as we go carefully into it - in a curious way brings us a particular closeness and intimacy.

By the time we're up and away (as it were) we're pretty much totally in each other's zones and anal sex feels an especially emotionally bonding (even romantic) experience as well as a physically pleasurable one.

Sorry, I've just realised that I've repeated part of what I said, more or less, in my previous post, although addressing a slightly different point. My apologies!

My own experience has been that there are plenty of sex scenarios which are exciting as fantasies but, in the event, turn out not to be that great. Anal sex comes into this category for me. I have always been really into the idea but, in reality, it doesn't feel physically very different from vaginal sex (from the male perspective - I'm sure it feels pretty bloody different from the woman's point of view), and along with the fear of causing pain to your loved one, there is the additional faffing around required, risk of spillages, etc. It often breaks the mood and just doesn't feel that great.

Another one that was a huge disappointment to me was threesomes. Maybe it my innate male lack of ability to multitask, but I just can't get into having 2 partners. There's too much going on, I can't concentrate, I certainly can't create an intimacy with 2 people at once and as I have got older, the intimacy is the most important thing

My husband and I are quite adventurous (I think anyway) and anal is something we would do every so often. It's something I really do enjoy and it really gets me going, however I have never orgasmed during anal, to be honest I have only ever had an orgasm during vaginal sex a few times. I mainly only orgasm through clitoral stimulation. This is just how it is with me no matter what we do or try. We have a great sex life and it doesn't affect the enjoyment if I don't orgasm during anal or vaginal sex. It's amazing anyway.