Former lovers

[LancashireLad]

In the early nineties I had an 18 month relationship with a lovely woman. She was lively and bright and really into me. We got on really well and the sex we had was the most electrifyingly intense I had ever experienced in my life. She told me at one point she'd love to marry me.

Long story short but we decided to split up because our respective career paths were going in entirely different trajectories which would have placed a number of insurmountable obstacles in the way. Massive, difficult decision but in the end we called it a day.

Over the couple of years that followed I recognised that I had been more deeply in love with her than I realised and felt an almost physical ache of loss in the pit of my stomach sometimes. But life, she and everything had moved on and a few years later I met the fab woman who has been my wife ever since. We have a great marriage, love each other loads and have four fantastic kids. So totally no regrets whatsoever.

From time to time I still think about that other lady. Not in a regretful "I made a big mistake letting her go" sort of way. But in a "I wonder what she's doing now, I hope she's okay and happy" sort of way. And yes, occasionally I still think about the fantastic sex we had. Basically I still care about her a lot even though I've not seen her for nearly thirty years.

It's not the sort of thing I feel I could ever mention to my wife although I did talk to one of my brothers about it who feels the same about a couple of his former girlfriends. In his case as in mine the relationships had basically been really good, the split-ups not all acrimonious but had happened for more practical reasons which were clearly right at the time, while a basic affection remained.

I don't feel guilty about the feelings as such but it does feel odd that matters of the heart sometimes have to be locked away and not shared even with your nearest and dearest when you take them out occasionally. And that someone with whom you had such a great relationship has nothing to do with your life anymore.

It's not a question as such but just a thought I wanted to share.

It's because it didn't run it's natural course and seemed broken off 'in its prime' that you're secretly pining for someone who, if the relationship HAD run its course, you'd be totally over by now.
Have you looked up this woman online? I'm guessing you have...
It didn't work for whatever reason and you happily chose your career path over her, same as she chose hers happily over you. Neither of you were actually enough for the other or you'd have chosen differently. You don't love this woman, you don't even really know her.

Let it be where it is -in the past - and be happy with the lovely woman who has given you 4 DC.
Pining for this virtual stranger you last saw 30 years ago is dissociative and disrespectful to your wife.

I think it's quite natural to still care about, think about and miss people from previous parts of your life.

You experienced strong emotions during your time with her and it's fine that a part of you still holds on to that.

I sometimes revisit memories of my first love. I'd never tell my partner. Because that would make him uneasy, unnecessarily.
But I do go back there in my mind from time to time and think about where and how he is now. I'd love the chance to see him again but I wouldn't reach out. Just if it happened organically.

Also... the same with certain friends who vanished from my life for various reasons. Still sometimes think about them, wonder how they are, care. And there's no harm in that is there.

I think always has hit the nail on the head ! It’s because the relationship didn’t run it’s course.

I have 2 previous relationships (out of a LOT of previous relationships) that I think about often. One was quite a short 6 month relationship but he was so handsome, lookswise if someone asked me to described my perfect looking man it would be him.

Second is an odd one, average looking man, not really doing well financially etc. BUT he was quite tall and the sex was amazing, always a real chemistry with him. I definitely couldn’t talk about him with DH 😬

Kitten2
I think that's exactly where I'm coming from. Where I am now, so grateful for a really good and loving marriage and family life there's no pining for a renewal of a relationship which is now personal ancient history.

But what's not normal in sometimes wondering about someone you had a particularly special relationship with, even just for a year or so, a long time ago? All I hope is that she's found happiness and is safe and well. Probably I'll never see or hear of her again. If it wasn't a bit of a weird thought and totally unlikely anyway I'd like to introduce her to my wife as I think they would get on really well.

I had something similar he was just too far away and been seeing each other for about 6months….this was when we were in our 20’s
so over 20 years ago, I met my husband closer to home and we split up but we have still kept in contact we are friends on FB and every now and again he sends me a text to see how I am and we chat but that’s it….sometimes we reminisce about what could have happened but shows you can still be friends.