I don’t understand his kink

[Choochoo22]

DP’s kink is being kidnapped by a man (he’s a practicing straight man) and fucked with the kidnapper thinking he’s a woman.

He says obviously this is just a fantasy and would never be reality because rationally the actual thought repulses him but the domination and sex/gender confusion aspect really turns him on.

I just don’t understand it, it makes me feel almost uncomfortable though.

For years we’ve enjoyed bsdm (mainly me as Dom), however this is a kink he’s recently disclosed to me and I don’t know how to move forward.

Its now affected our bdsm sessions (which I previously enjoyed) as I can’t get it out of my head.

But if its a fantasy thats all it is? If he was saying he wanted to have sex with a celebrity would you think the same? Is it because its homosexual? Its the domination piece that is the thing for him I think - if so whats the issue? I'm not trying to shame you or criticise you but it sounds like you have a mutually good sex life and explore a bit so this is maybe an expression of that that he wanted to share? Sorry more Q's than answers! I'm interested in hearing what you dont like about it?

I can't quite get my head round how the kidnapper wouldn't realise he was a man, but that's by the by really 😉this particular one wouldn't bother me as I find the gay thing quite horny (I'd feel more threatened/turned off by fantasies about other women) but I know a lot of women don't feel that way, so is that the issue? I don't think it's really saying much about his sexuality other than that he likes these kinds of "thought experiments" and might fantasise about men sometimes - again depends how much that bothers you.

Interesting questions.. it’s definitely the ‘he thinks I’m a woman’ and fucks me and I like it part that confuses/icks me. We do pegging, lots of anal play and I’m very feminine looking and he loves that (well he says he does), however it confuses me; he said he once saw a film when he was quite young where a young woman was kidnapped and exploited sexually and he loved the idea of being THAT woman, so not exploiter but the exploited, and we experiment a lot with that.

I think the whole thing gives me the ick- the thought that he gets off over thinking of a man anally raping him dressed as a woman and that turning him on. I get the dominating and submitting yourself to someone, I get the pegging/anal play (the wonderful prostate an all), it’s such a far out fantasy.

Fucking Pamela Anderson I’m on board with, being raped by a man that thinks you’re a woman and that being the ultimate is just something I can’t get my head around.

OK. Are you worried its a fantasy he will want to make real? Do you think he is gay? Do you like doing the pegging/ prostrate stuff or just go along with it?
Lots of men like this stuff precisely because they are not supposed to/ its forbidden.
Remember early exposure sexually really writes a lot of scripts especially depending on the context in which the exposure happened. In his case he may have seen that film by accident which is why its so powerful.
Do you get your sexual needs/ fantasies met as I get the slight feeling that maybe you dont? Might be wrong tho.

Yes, I think in the back of my mind he’s always going to yearn to live that out, I suppose nowadays with fetlife and fabswingers it’s not out of the question for him to. We are monogamous.

Hi Choochoo22. Well that’s a new one on me and I can certainly see why you might be a bit more shaky with that. But many people have fantasies they would never actually want to act on IRL. He might also like the idea of slaughtering invading aliens or driving the getaway car a la Baby Driver, but that doesn’t mean he’s enlisting in Trump’s Space Force or taking the family car out for a jewel heist. But…maybe talk it through a bit more, just to put your mind at ease. 😯

It's good to hear this is only your DP and not your DH, because that's at least going to make it easier to run for the hills... which is exactly what you should do. And just be glad you found out sooner than later, that you don't have children (?), etc.

Pay attention to how you FEEL. How it makes you feel in the pit of your stomach... that is called intuition. Don't ignore it.

At the end of the day... realize that people tell you what they're comfortable telling you. Underneath that is at least one other, much deeper and more intricate layer that you really, really don't wanna know about.

The fact that he just now told you this after being together for years goes to show that he's let you in on a deeper layer... as far as it being the deepest and darkest? I highly doubt it.

Throw on a cushy pair of running shoes, and I bid you better luck in the future with another DP.

Interesting points.. He actually is my DH and we have DC. We’ve been into BSDM since day dot however this particular kink was a flippant comment not too long ago which took me by surprise. I’ve since spoken to him about it and he’s just confused by the fact I’m confused because in his mind.. kink is kink, not so much to me I’m afraid.

We are very open however and I’m not sure there is a deeper layer here but interesting you think there might be @SgtPecker

It's a crazy fantasy because he likes being dominated and so being seen as a woman ie stereotypically 'the weaker sex' feeds into that IMO. I don't think it's far out at all tbh considering the things you're both into - is it the fact that he's being dominated by a man that makes you feel a bit off? Are you wondering if he's bisexual? Worried he might cheat? Feel you can't indulge it because you're a woman so he's always going to be missing out? If I was him I think I'd be confused what your issue was tbh and why everything else was ok but this was an issue when it's just a fantasy. I have a lot of fantasies, many same sex that I don't feel I need to play out in real life, i think it's great that he feels he can share them, there's obviously a lot of trust between you - but equally you can say, that's not my thing.

Some things are just better as fantasy, if some were reality they would be awful (rape fantasies for example) or else as soon as you've done them (even just as role play) they lose that edge of excitement and being taboo don't you think? On the other hand you could just play with gender roles if you're into pegging it's probably not that hard, you be male and pretend you think he's female and just role play it (if the issue is that you're upset you can't live this one out with him).

It might be just a surprise to you that he's fantasised about having sex with a man and you need a bit of time to come to terms with that as it was unexpected, it's also not something a lot of men would be comfortable admitting. At the end of the day though communication is absolutely key so my advice would be to figure out exactly what is upsetting you/making you uncomfortable/freaking you out about this and talk to him. Remember you can say 'this one isn't for me' you don't have to like everything the same or indulge every fantasy either of you have, you're individuals, just be honest and respectful.

Lots of people wondering if its the homosexual element that troubles you. It's quite common for straight women to be turned on by homosexual fantasies (just think of gay characters in fan fiction). Less mention of the fact his kink involves the violent rape of what the rapist supposes is a woman. Putting himself in the woman's shoes (and being turned on rather than terrified) doesn't exactly negate that. If a kink strays into a very misogynist (or racist or homophobic) territory, it is going to be a more difficult one for some partners to accept.

Boom @FunnyTalks you have hit the nail on the head! That’s it!!!! Why did I not see that before clear as day? That’s the exact bit that’s giving me the ick. How the hell do I approach that can of worms with him 😑im big on consent and safe words, anytime I’m the ‘Dom’ I still very much ‘check in’ throughout on him, so it’s absolutely the aspect you’ve mentioned that I’m struggling with.

I think it needs a talk through. A lot of men don't automatically "get" misogyny because it is the environment we're all raised in, the air we breathe etc. It's a tricky one because of course it can be OK to be turned on by fantasies we don't want to come true. But your partner chose to share this one with you, with seemingly no consideration of how you would feel as an actual woman.

My ex had the same fantasy and the sub in BDSM Since we split he is now transitioning. X-sex hormones etc. Not saying your DH is the same.