You have my permission to have an affair

[Chickenkatsu]

DW said this recently when I brought up the idea of us having sex. She hasn't been interested for months and it seems to be staying like that. Is this just a normal phase during peri-menopause or does it stick?

I'm a bit confused, if we didn't have children I'd consider leaving but we do and I definitely don't want to leave them.

Sex has always been a bit difficult because I'm quite large and she's quite small but our last attempt seemed to hurt a bit and we had to stop. I think that if we tried it more often with plenty of lube she'd get used to me but that doesn't seem likely at the moment.

I've never cheated at all, I even once had a dream where I was invited to an orgy and I said "No, I can't, I'm married". I'm pretty sure that she doesn't want me to have an affair, it's just a way of shutting me up.

I think you need to first of all decide whether this kind of open relationship would work for you. (Both in terms of you having relationships outside the marriage, and her doing so if that's what she wants).

If it is something you would like to explore, then raise it with her again and ask her if she is serious. Obviously there would have to be a lot of discussion of boundaries, how much you disclose to each other etc etc. But some people do make it work.

Otherwise you need to discuss other solutions to your sexual incompatibility. Could PIV work for her with alterations to technique? Could you both be satisfied with activities other than PIV? Etc etc.

Basically, she is not obliged to do anything she doesn't want to, but nor are you obliged to stay in a sexless marriage....

Good luck.

I honestly think size is not the principal issue. My DH and I are similar in that he is large and I'm small. Lube helps but being fully aroused is best. I find essentially he stretches me and the only time I'm careful is if we haven't been intimate for a while.

I would be worried about her suggestion of it being ok to have an affair. Ultimately that will be explosive and end your marriage in most cases. You need to talk and understand what and why she feels the way she does. She may also reply on the fact you won't leave, but equally that will only last so long once they are older.

Yes, we've had two children naturally and they took loads of times so it's certainly not a show stopper if she really wants to.

I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't accept an open marriage or anything close to that, it was just a way of closing the debate. How do you even go about having an affair anyway? Most of the women I meet are school mums and its hardly something you can put on the class WhatsApp group!

I think that the best option is to try and put some passion back into the marriage and if that doesn't work consider separation once the children are older.

An affair? Just don't.

Although I expect there are some couples who make it work ... until it doesn't.

OP, if your wife is perimenopausal and penetration is painful, it would be worth her reading about topical oestrogen and discussing it with her GP if needed. Don't raise it just because of sex, though - lack of oestrogen can cause multiple pelvic issues as women get older.

Libido varies greatly between women but what helps almost every woman to relax enough to enjoy penetration - as well as lube and with the above issues resolved, if relevant - is patience, foreplay and communication.

OP - if she used to have more of a libido - then HRT - with both estrogen and testosterone may help reviving it.
She may also be worn out and struggling with aging. And not filing confident in herself.
So - reigniting passion at this juncture isn’t a matter of you doing something - she needs to want to see a doctor and do something.

I’d have an honest conversation about it all with her. There are many versions of ‘open relationships’. They don’t need to be affairs that involve emotions. They can be arrangements with other people in similar situations.
But of course - they can get complicated. So clear rules and boundaries are important .
As to where to find likeminded people. It’s easier than you may think.
You can try swingers, or married dating websites. Or you can try Killing Kittens. For either women on their own, or couples looking for a play partner. Given what you mention about your anatomy - you may be popular on there.

Thanks everyone for the replies, this has been really helpful.

I've brought up the idea of HRT patches a number of times but she takes it as an insult and says that she's not a fruitcake. I said that this is pretty common and it doesn't mean that she is mentally ill but she says that she hasn't got any time to go to the GP anyway.

I've never heard of killing kittens, looks pretty good actually.

Maybe I can buy her some HRT products online, it'll be worth it, if it saves the marriage.

I think it might be just a way to shut you down without having a real conversation about what the issue is from her side.
Obviously you cannot force her to have have sex or even tell you what might be the issue, but at the same time you don’t need to stay in a sexless relationship either, that’s completely your choice

the affair comment could maybe mean your wife doesn’t want sex and more, but still wants the stability and safety of a marriage/ home life.

@Chickenkatsu

You can’t buy HRT products online for your wife. They require prescription. And she needs to want to take the medicine.
If the only symptom of peri-M is loss of libido - and she is not bothered otherwise - I can see why she doesn’t really want to do it.

Basically - instead of trying to ‘fix her’ you need to talk to her and see what you two as a couple are going to do. Presumably you still want to have sex. She seems to not to. You’ll need to decide if her permission for you to have sex outside of marriage is something she actually means.