DH losing his erection in all positions except one?! - new issue

[dontplaythatsongforme]

My DH is 43 and his erections started to be a bit less firm around 40, and if we change positions etc he will lose it, and he needs more manual stimulation now. But up until recently there wasn't much of a problem.

Recent months though, he can only maintain his erection in missionary position. If we try any other position he loses it within a minute or so.

I am really trying to be supportive, I love him so much and we've been together a very long time, but I can't help but feel like my vagina is inadequate and I am a bit hurt. I do pelvic floors but have had 2 kids and age and I also notice more sensation in missionary, so maybe it is that other positions he doesn't get enough friction?. He swears it's nothing to do with my vagina size, but then I think he would say that though not to hurt me, why can he mostly maintain it in missionary, or if I give him oral, but anything else it goes soft?

Does anyone know about this? Is this a thing?

Hi. I've been in the same boat as your husband with this for the past year. It's a horrible feeling. Rest assured it's not you.

We've found that cockrings do a wonderful job of combating the droop. I'd recommend an adjustable one.

Thanks for replying @tastyCereal . I hope you don't mind me asking, but is it only in missionary for you as well? and why do you think it happens?

My DH just clams up and other than insisting it isn't me, he changes the subject.

Thanks for the suggestion of the ring, will suggest that.

@dontplaythatsongforme if his ED becomes worse he should get a gp visit as chronic ED can be an early warning of heart/ health issues

@notlongtoo Thank you. I think it would be a good idea to change things up a little. Our sex life needs to adapt to it. Like I said, we've been together a very long time and things are changing. I myself have insecurities and hang ups which doesn't help, but luckily we both still seem to have healthy drives and I can orgasm manually pretty easily, so maybe I could suggest he touches me if he loses his erection, or we could just use it as time to take a break. However it's not something we've ever done before - touching me was always foreplay, so hopefully suggesting it won't hurt his feelings.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow He is generally really healthy, healthy weight and diet, exercises every day. However he used to be an extremely heavy drinker (alcoholic??) and changed his life a couple years ago when the drink started giving him health problems. He is now teetotal, which I am really happy about because I never thought he'd do it. He went to GP recently for something else, and they said he has blood pressure 'on the high side of normal' , but he has a needle phobia so it would take some convincing to get him to take a blood test.

@dontplaythatsongforme high BP can cause hardening of the arteries and then in turn ED as the blood cannot flow properly into the penis

www.bloodpressureuk.org/your-blood-pressure/understanding-your-blood-pressure/why-is-high-blood-pressure-a-problem/erectile-dysfunction-and-high-blood-pressure/

might be worth keeping an eye on.

Yes it is a thing. Or it certainly was for me. For a few years from my mid to late forties and into my fifties I'd noticed that my erections weren't as firm generally (although for some reason my occasional waking erections - "morning wood" - which have nothing to do with sexual arousal - were rock-solid, which at least reassured me that there weren't underlying health issues).

It was a gradual thing and I wasn't entirely sure whether it was to do with aging or tiredness from general life stress or a combination of both.

It was particularly noticeable when my wife was on top or when she was giving me oral sex. Sometimes I'd go completely soft halfway through and "fall out" which was very frustrating for both of us and I was worried in case she thought it had something to do with her or that I didn't fancy her any more, when actually I fancy her as much if not more than when we were first married nearly twenty five years ago.

Missionary position (and to extent sex from behind) was much less of a problem. I think a softer penis is maybe more easily "kept in" during missionary than when the woman is on top. In missionary - at least for me - the stress, worry and anxiety I increasingly was feeling about "keeping it up" when my wife was on top or during fellatio disappeared and I felt relaxed enough to become fully hard. I think that's where the positions thing comes in and what might well be happening with you and your DH.

There came a point when we began to avoid sex with my wife on top which really wasn't great because we both enjoyed that position and it's the one my wife orgasms in.

That's when I thought I'd give Viagra a go. And my goodness it made a total difference! It gave me very full, lasting erections and I found I could relax, knowing I wouldn't go soft halfway through in any position. Sex stopped being stressful and began to be enjoyable again.

I've since discovered Cialis (or rather a differently branded equivalent of Tadalafil) which has the benefit of lasting up to thirty six hours compared to Viagra's four, so sex doesn't need to be planned. Viagra and Cialis are both easily available online as well as over the counter.

Basically for me Viagra and Cialis have broken the spiral of anxiety which led to the problem in the first place.

I'd like to bet that what your DH is experiencing has nothing to do with how you are physically and you have no need to feel hurt.

Obviously I don't know your situation or how well your DH might respond to any suggestion that he might need "assistance". I can only say I'm glad I realized I did and found a solution that really made a difference.

I hope you can too and that you found this helpful.