I don't know where to go from here

[NameChangedForT]

Name changed because I am embarassed talking about this.

Husband and I have been together almost 20 years. He is 10 years older than I am. Sex has always been great-at times, I had a slightly higher sex drive than him, but otherwise we seemed well matched in this area- until about a year and a half ago.

He has always occasionally experienced ED, going right back until we first met. I would describe it as performance anxiety as he will openly say he is very shy, and this happened with other partners too. Its never been a big issue and I just thought it was one of those things.

About a year and a half ago though, this became a much more frequent issue. He has been to the GP, no physical issue. He has tried tablets with mixed results. During this time, I don't know if driven by frustration or a genuine change in preferences, he has begun to be very prescriptive with certain things he wants, in what order and when, and spontaneous sex is almost entirely out of the question now.

He revealed about a year ago that he used porn a lot more than I thought-he said it was pretty much daily- and I do think that this is part-but not all-of the issue. This has reduced but in all honesty has not stopped. There is a specific fetish he has that he will look at (its pretty tame and I don't mind indulging this), but also he looks at more run of the mill stuff too. This is more sporadic now. There is zero chance he is seeing anybody else.

As time has gone on, I would say success rate of penetrative sex is about 10%. Slightly higher if we try oral or hands, but not without a huge amount of effort sometimes. I have tried everything, I cuddle him and reassure him, I have tried doing things just for him, dressing up, doing all of his suggestions-he initiates almost every time so I don't put pressure on him. The end result has been bizarrely that because of the issues we are having, he gets his needs met more than I do-sometimes he has an orgasm without being fully hard, sometimes I just carry on because I think-finally! I am doing something right!

He will say that he is happy to return the favour with oral or hands and sometimes this is true-but others, he will be quite obvious that his heart isn't in it, even though we could have been engaged on foreplay for a couple of hours. At this point, we just stop and that's the end of it.

I will be completely honest and say my self confidence is completely destroyed as we now seem to be at the point that nothing I do can get him physically aroused, although he says he is still attracted to me and will compliment me. He says he wants to. There is no pressure from me. I don't even like to suggest sex any more, as much as I would like to, in case I upset him.

He is genuinely very upset by what is happening. We seem to be stuck in a never ending loop. We have tried lots of things, including abstaining trying for a while, but it is gradually getting worse. I miss the closeness and that feeling of being wanted.

I really feel for him and I think we are both desperate to make this better. I know its a bit selfish to say but I don't know if I am ready to completely abandon a regular, satisfying sex life.

Our relationship in all other ways is fantastic and I wouldn't change a thing. Can anyone please offer any advice?

Didn't want to read and run!

Just to say I think you will get a lot more replies to this on the Relationships board which seems a lot busier than this one.

The only real suggestion I've got is that he takes up exercise, obsessively so if possible!

There will be a physical/metabolic aspect to this as well as psychological. So if he can get really into something like cycling, weightlifting, etc, it should help with his mood & willingness to be open and connect with you.

What happens when he uses porn, does he need to wank for 2hrs or is it all a bit more rapid? If so he really needs to go cold turkey to try and regain some sensitivity and excitement. Even if his daily porn habit has reduced (I bet it hasn't tbh) it will of course impact on his ability.

If I were you I'd stop trying to please him, stop trying to coax an erection and an orgasm out of him and tell him plainly his porn overuse is ruining your sexual relationship. He needs to stop it and if he doesn't want to then you need to think if the relationship can survive as it is.

Would he go to couple's counselling?

Has he tried completely stopping the porn?

Thank you for replying. It is difficult to talk about so I appreciate the kind responses.

Tbh regarding the porn, he is very, very uncomfortable discussing this and says it is something he has done since his teens-with the regularity I described. He says he doesn't use it to masturbate-it really makes no difference to me whether he does or doesn't-other than I do think it is affecting our sex life now. He says he has cut down, a couple of times he has stopped completely-probably for a month or so. It did make a difference. But he seems to get drawn back in. He knows that my viewpoint is it is ruining our sexual relationship and from a very selfish standpoint, I am crushed he continues to look. It makes me feel inadequate.

Couples counselling-I would be open to it, but he would not. He is intensely private and very, very shy about discussing sex even with me.

The exercise is something he has started a bit and he has been more careful with his diet.

Truthfully, if the sex doesn't improve, I will have to adapt. I love the bones of him, splitting up isn't an option. I have no interest in a sexual relationship with anyone else.

I sincerely hope he manages to kick the porn habit. It’s not biochemically addictive like a drug, but it is addictive in that it does mess up the pleasure response of the brain (like a drug does) which can take months or longer of being porn free to get fully back to normal. There are organisations out there geared to helping people get free of it. I really hope your husband finds a way through.

The ‘ideal’ for me (which I will ever strive for but never fully achieve) is for my wife to be the only one who gets a second glance from me. Faithfulness doesn’t start and finish in the bedroom, but in my thought life. I know that the better times in our sex life are when I’m not in the habit of letting my eyes get distracted by the sight of any other woman or fantasising about someone else.

If you’re able to accept this then I guess finding acceptance and working on your self-confidence will help but realistically is this something you can fully say you’re willing to accept for the rest of your life? It’s difficult as you adore the bones of him but sex is also a big part of a relationship, not everything but it’s a big part of it. I have no direct advice regarding ED but hope
you manage to work through this.

Thank you both. Obviously the ideal would be that the porn is given up entirely, but this seems unrealistic. I am not sure why, as I don't look at other people, but it seems to be out of reach for him.

I would rather not accept how it is at the moment, but the obvious, easy solutions are all worse than the current situation. An ideal solution would be a rewind button to where we were.

I think it would be easier to accept if he didn't want to, but it is upsetting to see him upset and frustrated. He has always been very self assured and I think his confidence has gone as well.

I just wish I knew what to do :(

I guess writing it down may help:

He won’t give up porn to see if it will make a difference.

He gets his needs met more than you do.

He isn’t interested in giving you an orgasm because his hearts not in it.

Your confidence is affected as a result.

PIV happens successfully 1/10 times.

He won’t discuss sex or go for counselling.

If you’re able to work through these, great, if not and you don’t want to leave the relationship then really, you only have the option to accept it. I also don’t think it’s unrealistic to give up porn, he’s choosing not to.

It does help to see it written down. When we do have sex, it is great-sometimes I actually think "there is no problem here anymore", but it is really a toss of the coin. There doesn't seem to be any pattern of when these issues will happen-but if we have sex in the day, there is less likely to be a problem. Of course, having children means that day time sex is limited to when I am off work in the week.

One thing that is slightly weird is that we tend to have more issues of a night time and yet this is typically when he would look at porn. The porn use is definitely a lot less than it was. I am probably not wanting to push the "stop watching porn" conversation because he is genuinely emotionally struggling with the issues he is having. He has cried a few times and it breaks my heart.

Do whatever it takes to turn him on

To be fair, I have spent the last 18 months jumping through hoops to do this. Dressing up, Fantasies, sex toys, sexting, initiating, teasing, oil, massages, oral, anal, prolonged foreplay, varying positions, times, places, specific fetishes, several rings (sometimes help, sometimes not). We have tried abstaining, restricting to just kissing, just foreplay etc.

I have put in a lot of effort with very mixed results and unfortunately too much effort has the opposite intended effect as he then feels like he is under pressure to perform and that I am expecting sex.

Thank you though, good suggestions but it will be too much for him at the moment. He is incredibly sensitive about this.

How much alcohol does he drink? For someone who's bordering on ED, it might only take one drink to make all the difference.

I would say success rate of penetrative sex is about 10%

Do you mean he only gets hard enough for sex 10% of times you try, or that he loses his erection during sex, before he reaches orgasm? If the latter, how long is that taking?

He is teetotal. Might have a beer at Christmas but thats it. The problem is usually getting an erection, once he has one it is absolutely fine. It is psychological rather than physical we think. Rings don't help when this happens, although he does enjoy wearing them when he gets an erection, but they don't help get rid of the issue when it is happening. He rarely loses an erection once we are there iyswim.

Hi OP, my DH has suffered from some issues in this department. It is not a perfect solution, but we have benefited from using ciallis. it is easily obtainable from Superdrug or Boots- there is an online form, but no Doctor to see and is quite cost effective. DH finds that this provides some reassurance that his erection will hold- so even if it is psychological it might be helpful.

Can't be alcohol related then.

He will say that he is happy to return the favour with oral or hands and sometimes this is true-but others, he will be quite obvious that his heart isn't in it, even though we could have been engaged on foreplay for a couple of hours. At this point, we just stop and that's the end of it.

That sounds a tad depressing, and possibly related to the issue. Try to make sure he always gets you off with via 'foreplay' before you give him any attention at all (or perhaps given him just a slight touch and tickle, the lightest, sporadic stimulation you can imagine). For many people, getting their partner off like that during foreplay can be a huge turn on. I find it gets me more excited than piv. And of course the secondary benefit is that you always get some decent satisfaction regardless of whether or not he ever gets hard. I would also add that if this does work and he gets an erection, make sure you capitalise on that straight away, because I guess there's is a risk that he might lose it again if you just carry on with the foreplay.

Well the plan right now appears to be complete abstinence for a while.

Do you think it may be down to his specific fetish? Maybe that's all he's really into and it 'spoils' it when you're the one involved. I'm no expert but kinks can be a bit guilt ridden from a psychological point of view with some people I believe. Even if you think there isn't anyone else he is seeing in the flesh are you sure he isnt involved with web cams or messaging sites that he's paying for ?

Whatever is going on I don't think he is being 100% honest with you, there seems to be a bit of gaslighting going on what with the tears and seemingly leaving it to you to fix. I'm not sure if there's any thing else to be done tbh. Maybe get a fwb and leave him to his 'abstinence'.

Good luck. 10/10 for perseverance .

I am 100% sure there is no payment sites, we have a joint account, I am the sole earner. Anything else? In the flesh, I am sure, but of course I am so confused right now that there is a possibility of something online but I would say its unlikely.

Maybe his fetish is more of an issue. I have never refused him anything. I agree he isn't being 100% honest. But how on earth I get him to open up, I don't know. Feeling pretty deflated by it all this evening to be honest.

This.

Well not a lot has changed to be honest. I guess I learn to live with it. Maybe over time it won't feel quite so upsetting or like something is missing.

Sounds like has massive performance anxiety. Which you don't get with you are alone. It's hard and awkward but you could try offering to wank him off yourself instead of him using porn?
That way you can retrain his body a bit and it could get you closer.
Or have him watch you masturbate? And see what happens?