DH Sex Drive

[MakkaPakkasPO]

So I'm hoping someone might have some advice.

I'll try and lay out the facts in a clear and concise way...

I've known DH for nearly 10 years. We have 3 DC.

We have a wonderful life and relationship...except for the fact that we've not had sex in nearly 2 years.

I am late 30s, he is late 40s.

He has a few health conditions (digestive health) that make him feel 'unsexy'. He also has grown up with an extraordinarily overbearing and narcisstic mother. These two things coupled with being raised in quite a religious house has made him a VERY inhibited man.

We are both generally exhausted with the small kids, however I have increasingly been wanting sex. We have spoken about getting things back on track but I haven't wanted to put pressure on him (even before kids he's had quite a few stamina and 'keeping it up' issues) so I told him the ball is in his court in terms of initiation.

On the one hand I'm pretty happy to wait (as I said, knackered). However, the thing that is troubling me is the fact that I find myself fantasising constantly about other men. I do not ever ever want to do anything that puts my family unit in jeapardy, and I really don't want to have these feelings.

I have wondered if we should go to sex therapy? To be quite frank, I have been gently suggesting for a few years that he gets counselling (because for the extremely dysfunctional relationship he has with his mum - but I don't say this explicitly to him because he struggles to acknowlege that she was not the best parent, though I believe that deep down he knows she was). But I feel like he might not think we have enough of an issue to have therapy.

Once upon a time we did have a fairly decent sex life, if a little bumpy.

I don't want to scare him off, I don't want to make him feel even less of a man than he already feels. But I don't want to resent him for not shagging me occasionally! I don't know if anyone will be thinking this but just in case - I know he finds me attractive, so I don't think it's that.

Might it be better if you take charge a bit? I know you said you want to leave the ball in his court, but it can be helpful with an inhibited man - it gives him "permission" to enjoy himself, if you see what I mean. Obviously discuss with him if he'd be happy with this.

I agree with PP you might have to take control for a while, you say the ball is in his court, you might have to initiate sexual contact which is not necessarily PIV if he has trouble with ED, a full body massage maybe ? Then his turn on you?

The problem is that if he then struggled with ED after I initiated it will probably make him feel terrible

while that is true, there is nothing wrong with getting some skin to skin contact, I assume he has a penis, balls, butt, chest etc, there is nothing wrong with touching those ( if he is okay with that) I also assume you have a vagina , boobs, butt etc, nothing wrong with him touching those ( assuming you are okay too).
and too be honest if you are in the UK ED meds are cheap, freely available and need no prescription or GP visit .

the other thing you could try ( if you have the time / space) is showering together and washing each other, a good way to get physically close without the pressure of intercourse.

Yes true. We do hug in bed etc.

He would not be very pleased if I got into the shower with him 😆

Hi @MakkaPakkasPO
I know it’s been a few months since you started this thread, but I wonder if you did end up going to therapy?

I’ve got similar issues with my DH, including his psychologically unhealthy upbringing and performance anxiety. Whenever I try to pick his brains about it, I feel like I’m out of my depth so I’m considering looking into sex therapy for us.

It sounds like we're in the same boat.

No therapy as yet, also no sex.

I said to him the other day that I think we have a problem but he doesn't think so.

I actually feel like we don't necessarily need sex therapy - he just needs therapy full stop!

Not sure where to go from here.

I feel you.

I mean, I don’t like stereotypes, but men are notorious for burying their heads in the sand until the shit really hits the fan!

I’m starting to think he’s asexual, every time I’m talking to him about being sexual and intimate in other ways than having an intercourse, he looks at me like I was speaking Chinese.

The other day I offered to watch something together on TV like we often do, but this time with no clothes on and in bed. I was fine with that it might not lead to sex, but I thought it would be good way to get turned on (by both of us), and see where it takes us. Guess what? He flat out refused. My own husband refused to get naked in bed with me! I was stunned, like why?

I think he’s got some major issues with being vulnerable and sexual. At some point in his life there has been a connection made between sex and something bad and shameful. Just as you OP, I think he’d benefit from therapy, although I highly doubt he’d agree. Especially if the therapist was a woman… The longer it goes on the more I wonder if there’s any amount of therapy that can make him desire me they way I’d like?

How's it going now. Have you managed to speak to your husband :-)

I'm in a similar situation with my wife

:-)