Do you think sexual fantasies & personality are related

[overponder]

Feel free to move this to, ahem, the other board, but wanted it to be more general than necessarily explicit.

Just that really. I know some couples share and some couples (or more) don't. I've been in both kinds of relationships. Ups and downs of both approaches (totally open versus more circumspect).

My latest partner always states if asked that he is very regular and mainstream in his fantasies - whatever that means - and has now told me a little. I've been pondering over whether fantasies have any relation to personality. I don't mean really extreme stuff. I think that I could say very vaguely that my more gentle souled boyfriends have had quite female centred (solo/lesbian/watching) fantasies. Not so much actual "action". The more alpha male types have had more - god, suspect this will get moved - male/female "action"/groups etc. Sorry to be a bit vague but not quite sure how to pitch it.

Wondering if they have any correlation to introversion/extroversion or whatever or if completely random. All sorts of theories about working though things that might have happened early in life... I'm not so sure about that.

And no, I'm not trying to illicit anything hairy handed or for everyone to reveal theirs, I'm just wanting to keep it psychologically focussed.

Probably yes. People in high power, high responsibility careers tend to want to be more submissive in the bedroom I think. People with lower status in the world might fantasise about being more powerful/dominant over some one. Just my opinion, I haven't conducted a study or anything, so could be wrong.

Thanks for a response on a silent thread.

Yes I wonder if this is almost the opposite to what I was thinking. I get that for the high powered city types this type of thing is probably a psychological outlet and a relief from the day to day. Probably goes against my gentle soul, gentler fantasies hypothesis... not sure.

I've noticed in myself (without giving too many details) that my fantasies have often been a fetishizing of things that have been going on in my life, over time. It's a bit disconcerting and I've never really tried to act then out.

Perhaps that contradicts the idea that fantasy and personality are related, as in my experience the fantasies are a bit more dynamic.

It’s quite complex really and not something people talk about. I wonder if they link to being submissive/dominant in general (or how you feel at that time) and what you’ve been watching/media in general. I can imagine that someone who is empathetic and gentle is less likely to watch things that are violent and therefore less likely to fantasise that. On the more extreme end, there does seem to be a link between porn viewing and action taken. But I guess that’s a bit different to fantasies in general.

I find the lesbian vs gay men vs straight fantasies interesting as that seems very variable and not related to sexual orientation so I’m really curious about that!

I'm not 100% sure if I know what you mean. Possibly. Do you fetishising things going on in your life that are non-sexual?

I don't have a fantasy that's stayed with me through thick and thick - do people? I remember reading the Nancy Friday books and it seemed to be that people "had" a fantasy. Mine have been dynamic too. Some themes maybe. But I can remember some when I was younger that would never pop up now.

I don't do prob - have done a few times in life but not as a rule. I do wonder how that forms people fantasies as opposed to the other way round. I know when I have seen it it has stayed with me... for a while so to speak.

My spontaneous fantasies that arise now when I am on my own are quite different recently. Fascinating where that comes from if not externally. I think I might know what you mean therefore, I hadn't thought about fetishising current circumstances and encounters, but maybe that is part of it.

I don't do Porn, not prob...

Yes that is fascinating. I think I am straight. Maybe not 100%. Always just been with men.

Mostly fantasise about men but sometimes women too, alongside the men or on their own. Sometimes its more than one woman! Not sure what that means. I thought that was normal but there's been a thread running recently that maybe indicated it was less so. By normal, I don't mean abnormal or wrong, I mean, the main pattern for a "completely" heterosexual woman. Mind, my Kinsey scale comes out at 2 so....lord only knows.

I'm not 100% sure if I know what you mean. Possibly. Do you fetishising things going on in your life that are non-sexual?

Yes. It was a way of coping with those things.

BTW by dynamic I mean that the nature of my fantasies changed more quickly than any personality changes I might have had. Was perhaps unclear there too.

I remember Nancy Friday - they always turned up in ads for books by mail order before the Internet. It seems to me that if fantasy is discussed now, it's always according to certain defined categories or within well-understood categories when in fact fantasy can go anywhere.

(Of course I've seen porn but I find it dull partly because it's generally unoriginal and doesn't allow the imagination any scope.)

@overponder , what was the other recent thread you meant?

Long time user, changed name. Thought this was really interesting so wanted to share my thoughts/experience. For reference I'm newly married to a man, 29 and female.

For me, I do think there's truth in the link between people not having a lot of power at work or elsewhere and finding that their sexual fantasies are focused on them holding the power even if it is just subtly.

I don't think that's a cliche. Eg when I was younger and my work was very simple and low-paid I used to fantasise about calling a meeting and having group sex with the most attractive male members of staff - the scenario is that I held the power. I was told I was desirable by them and they'd do anything they could to please me which ended up in group sex in an office with me getting all the pleasure.

Now I'm older I have a job with lots of responsibility but my fantasies are all about either being slightly dominated eg told what to do and instructed if you like whereas this wouldn't have turned me on when I was actually being told what to do all the time all those years ago.

I think it comes down to power and your perception of it for some people? And of course personality and previous experience. Eg you aren't going to fantasise about a threesome if you had one and it was cringe. But you might if it appeals to you or you had a great time having one.

I'm straight but sometimes I cannot orgasm if I only think of scenarios of men. I've never had sex with a woman in real life but I've orgasmed thousands of times thinking of scenarios where I'll meet a woman somewhere and we have sex. I have a vivid imagination and breasts turn me on more than penises do - in my fantasies. That's clear to me as if I cannot come sometimes it's because I've thought about men but women. Never had a lesbian experience in real life at all. Maybe it's because I haven't that it turns me on so much, who knows?

I think they are personality related, experience related and most have an element of taboo - I'm not going to sleep with the male colleagues and management but that fantasy did used to do the trick nicely. This might sound gross to some but without being too outing I used to be one of the only females in that job with over 500 male colleagues to see day in, day out. And I'm straight - of course I'm going to notice if they are attractive or possibly become attracted to them in a way over time. It's nature.

I have repeated fantasies which I would never act out in real life which basically boils down to lesbian soft porn in which no one in real life features in and I'll play it frame by frame on repeat for years and it always makes me come quickly. Am I bisexual?! A secret lesbian and I don't know it?! Doubt it - I never find women attractive in real life at all. Yet I may watch lesbian love stories and get highly aroused.

It's pure escapism - I'd run a mile if any of my fantasies could come true as I don't think I want them to be ruined by real life.

OK I'll answer this.

It is possible, there might be a correlation. But you'd have to differentiate between conscious fantasies and unconscious fantasies. Conscious fantasies in folks whose mind isn't conflicted and is 'at peace with itself' might to some extent agree, but unconscious fantasies in folks whose minds are conflicted or repressed might be very strong inside, and yet the person remains vaguely aware of them, because it's actually trying to repress them all the time.

This comes from psychoanalysis.

(2/2) In the latter case, the personality of the repressed person wouldn't match their unconscious fantasies at all, they'd be just the opposite. For example, for someone matching the stereotype of their biological sex very strongly, i.e., an apparently very feminine woman or a very masculine guy, who not only say they don't entertain any same-sex thought but go as far as condemning that thought in others and even hating homosexual people (most commonly of the same sex as theirs but to a degree also homosexuals of the opposite sex), might actually be harboring strong unconscious homosexual fantasies him or herself, he or she is simply not able to see them for what they are because they are unacceptable.

In this case the mismatch between personality and unconscious fantasies would be profound. And it is possible that the person will feed on and reinforce and reassert their conscious fantasies that do agree with their personality, only to keep at bay their unconscious fantasies.

I like the post of the person before mine who name-changed. That seems to have been written by someone whose mind is at peace with herself.

I'm glad also that I've never had any fantasies that tortured me. Some of my fantasias are, well let's say, kind of fantastic, but I treat them the same as dreams, i.e., something I'm not in control of, and wouldn't need to be. I enjoy them if they're nice and regret them if they're sad, but I'm not bothered by them or fight them. That's the best way to be, really.

Interesting. Very. Yes I wonder about this now. I'm quite old, but my fantasies when I was much younger were definitely very different. I've been thinking about how they've changed too depending on whether I was single or the relationship I was in.

I seem to remember at the end of a relationship with a very gentle submissive man that my fantasies became more... extreme. Wonder if it was to counteract the passivity. I then got with a man that was less passive and maybe my fantasies changed.

I was in a very long term dysfunctional relationship that dragged on for years because of kids. We hardly made love and I didn't like him towards the end. My fantasies became very romantic and loving (not about him). Again. Maybe what I needed or was missing.

Really interesting to examine.

I've been thinking about this recently. I wonder if I have repressed my fantasies involving women to some extent. Mostly I think of men. But women have become more prominent as I have got older. I don't think I've really integrated this. Maybe I think it means I'm not being authentic in my life/relationships. From what you say it is possible for me to be straight, but to have these fantasies. And I need to accept and integrate them, rather than worry and overthink them.

This is wise. I'm going to think about this and see where my thoughts lead.

OP, what do you mean by authentic, and do you mean that by denying your fantasies you've been inauthentic?

Interesting question OP.
Have you ever heard of The Journal of Sex Research? I feel this journal might have actual research on your topic 😊It does cover some fascinating topics that can lead you down a rabbit hole! You might just be interested in people's opinions but I bet someone will have researched this at some point. I think the journal is free to view via a Google search, if you're interested.

I think I have heard of it but didn't know it was accessible. I'll check it out. Thank you!

Well I guess that if I sometimes fantasise about women and have done throughout my life, but habe always said I was heterosexual. That's what I mean.

There's been times I've had the opportunity to kiss or get off with a woman, and I've turned it down. But thought about it. I suppose I'm wondering if fantasy is always just that, as opposed to desire.

It's not something that's torturing me as I'm in a relationship. There was a thread running where someone seemed to want to know if they should identify as bisexual. I think the upshot was that who cares, and why is it relevant if in a monogamous relationship. So with me I supposed it's just a ponder.

The thread was probably triggered but me being in a relationship where he isn't that open to sharing. Maybe because of this I wonder if he's not integrated his. What could be revealed?! Does it even matter. Claims they're "just regular". I think when it comes to fantasy there's probably no such thing, so I'm obviously more intrigued to find out.

Well, I think the answer to that is that fantasy is a person's own private space. It It is something that you can choose to bring into the real world, one way or another, but at that point it stops being just a fantasy and becomes a desire (as you said above).

On the basis of my fantasies I'd be polyamorous. In fact I'm about as monogomous as possible - I haven't ever cheated on anyone and haven't ever really been tempted to, ie, I don't want to bring those fantasies into reality. And that's quite nice because it means I'm not concerned that my fantasies would spill over into real life in unintended ways and can enjoy them a bit. I don't think this makes me inauthentic.

Regarding your DH: if my DW asked me what I fantasised about, if I was being really honest I'd ask her if she really wanted to go there. I've had fantasies involving all sorts of sex games with her that in real life I'd not want to do with her. And I've had an awful lot of fantasies about other people, including a lot of my good friends and work colleagues and other acquaintances. In fact this very thread caused one to drift into my head while I was having a meeting with my superior, which was inconvenient.

I don't know whether this is normal, or whether I'm a bit of a perv. But the point is that his fantasies are really his to reveal or to keep private and I think we should tread very softly when exploring these things with our loved ones.

I think - I know I suppose - that you're right. I'm nosy. I'm not sure I would share all of mine, but I do like to share some, and like to hear my partners. Some of them have been up for this, others not at all.

Thinking about it, I think I'm really ok with wild fantasies that are obviously not a desire. Either because they're so far fetched, elaborate or based around a circumstance that's never going to happen. I might be unusual in that I don't tend to fantasise aBout real people. They're just shapes rather than detailed people. It's about the situation and scenario. Mostly about what they are saying to me (odd maybe). Almost could be any man or woman. Ian never about one, always multiple which I have and would never do!! I think, like you, men probably fantasise more about friends, women in the street, colleagues, etc. Wonder if it's uncomfortable to share those as they seem to be more desirous (I know you're saying yours aren't). So if my partner tells me he's fantasising about a neighbour or friend, that's threatening immediately As it is something that is a possibility (practically at least). I think that's just too much info. I suppose you would never tell your wife about those thoughts? I'm assuming you only fantasise about women that you do find attractive in real life? I have some friends that do so this. And I suppose if you're open or swinging then this would be standard fare. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear about his thoughts about his line manager!

That's not my experience - alpha at work, alpha in the bedroom, I've found.

Well I suppose if I fantasise about anyone I must see something in that person that I find attractive. Sometimes it's about someone who isn't at all conventionally attractive, but I suppose I must feel there could be a connection of some sort.
BUT that said, a lot of my friends are women and there are some who I think are attractive, generally speaking, and I never have fantasies about them ever.

But yes. I would find it very uncomfortable to share them with anyone I knew precisely because they are about specific people, even though I have absolutely no interest in turning those them into reality. I'm not, and will never be, the swinging type. In fact simply telling someone would seem like a blurring of the boundaries between fantasy and reality.

My wife has never asked me about this and tbh I don't think I'd tell her. What I have told her about are things that I want to do with her. She's done the same. I hope she has her own harmless daydreams too but I've never asked her.

I have no idea what other men think. In my experience men can't discuss anything relating to sex for more than five minutes before it turns into a series of jokes. So for all I know I could be very unusual and your husband could be telling you the truth.